ballpoint

The manager of my local betting shop tripped over and broke his ankle today. Thats the way the bookie stumbles.

Ikea have formed a football team. They drew with Bangkok United at the weekend. From what I've gathered they didn't have a great team out, but they put together a fantastic bench.

I've had a letter telling me I can't join the local Origami group. I don't know what to make of it.

Just a quick heads up, The sign at the hospital saying "STROKE PATIENTS" may not mean what you think.

I go round to people's houses to ask them whether they would like to try a different type of bread. I'm a Hovis witness.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day: The daughter said to her mother. "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied. "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said. "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied. "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said. "My nose is cold." The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said. "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother. "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said. "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies. They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Old is when…. “Getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.

Old is when…. A sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Old is when…. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

Married men should forget their mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

I was going to join the Army, but I just couldn’t see myself in camouflage.

BREAKING NEWS Police in Liverpool last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed, M.O.T. tested and insured. It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober. He had a full licence and no points. A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £2,000 for wasting police time.

I was in the supermarket today when a young woman came over to me and whispered, "I'm going to wear something see-through tonight, what do you think?" I replied, "Well I think it should be your glasses love. Your boyfriend is in the next aisle."

If you thought my impression of a fish was good please drop me a line...

No matter what goes wrong, There is always someone who knew it would.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.

I just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver. I can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words. “Stop shaking the ladder you little <deleted>!”

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.” “Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.” He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went mental!!!! No one treats me like a mug.

News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’ He obviously needs a calmer chameleon.

If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say 7 up is Lemonade.

My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant. Roll on next year!