ballpoint

Sometimes I call the number on missing dog posters and just bark.

Watching the Tory leadership contest is like watching a pantomime horse with a dozen ar5es and no head.

Stop trying to corner the pie market.

You won't go wrong with this stuff. Available from Shopee and Lazada:

*Deleted post edited out* Funny how that poster, and many others of his ilk, have been trying to tell us, repeatedly, that this was just a peaceful visit by some sightseers, intent on taking some selfies, grabbing some souvenirs, and lynching the vice president. Oops, slip of the tongue, definitely not the latter. Now it seems that they were exercising their "constitutional right" to abolish the government and install a new one. I can't wait for the next chapter of this story, when we'll be told that these people were actually presidentially appointed deputies, sent in to clean up the town, save the nation, and ride off into the sunset with the girl, rather than just presidentially riled up idiots, intent on violence. Also funny that we are repeatedly told that one of the tenets of the right to bear arms is to be able to defend oneself against a tyrannical government, yet when the very section of society historically having most justification for pointing to such a government, namely Afro-Americans and other ethnic minorities, protests against said government, without even taking the step of bearing arms, those who spout the guns, guns guns mantra are the very same people who condemn said protests and demand the law use force and violence, with help from some gun wielding vigilantes to suppress them. It would be laughable if it wasn't so funny.

I strike out on a few, but every so often we kindle a spark. Especially when she's a lighter woman.

Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre One says to the other “What you in for”? The other replies “Endoscopy” “What’s that then”? the first bloke asks. “They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers, or even cancers", replies the second bloke. "What you in for?” “Camera up my bum" says the first bloke. “Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke. “Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden”.

I entered an Origami competition. I should have won, but folded under pressure.

A Texan emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch… Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

My wife came out of the bathroom, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my myself in the bath. You know what that means?" I said, "The plug hole is blocked?"

I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. It was so disgusting I almost threw away my sandwich!

I’ve just joined a dating group for arsonists. It’s great; they send me new matches every day.

Just watched a film about anal bleaching. All things considered, it wasn't a bad film, on the hole.

The Russians just can't stop lying. Calling Piers Morgan a journalist. Ha!

McMuppets at that.