ballpoint

I've just got first place in the national bull<deleted>ting competition. Well, I actually came 12th. To be honest, there wasn't even a competition.

At a recent job interview: "What's your name?" "Dave ******* ******* Smith" "Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave" "No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."

The police rang me today to say they've recovered my stolen sofa. Which I thought was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit scruffy.

Two salesmen were going door to door when they knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, bounced back open. She tried again and again convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door. She reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson when one of them said: "Madam, before you do that again, you might need to move your cat."

The Butchers have a sign in the window "Turkey £29" I wonder how he gets you there? That's way cheaper than the airlines advertise it.

I've just seen Two Police Officers lying next to a seesaw. They must have been Tipped off.

French police say they are searching around the clock for terror suspects. I think they should look behind the sofa as well.

Said the Dr to most of us on here.

Wherever they fall off the tracks.

Well, it certainly got you hooked.

Me and the wife are sat at the airport. My wife says "I wish I'd brought the television" "Why, are you bored?" I asked. She said "No, the passports are on top of it"

A man walks into his Doctors surgery with a car steering wheel stuck to the front of his trousers. His Doctor looks at him in shock and says; "My god does that hurt?" The man replies; "Not really, but its driving me nuts."

Prince Charles was driving his Aston into Sandringham Estate to visit his Mum, as he passed through the gates and onto the long gravel drive he accidentally ran over one of his Mums corgis. He leapt out of the car and to his horror the poor dog was splattered all over the front wheel of his car and crushed into the gravel drive. As he stood, staring horrified at what he had done, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. "I'm a powerful genie and I'll grant you just one wish, what shall it be?". Charles replied; "Can you put this poor dog back together, it's one of Mummy's favourite dogs?". The Genie surveyed the splatted dog and shaking his head he turned to Charles and said; "I'm sorry, even my powers can not help that dog, have another wish?" Charles thought for a moment and said; "Could you make Camilla good looking?" The Genie instantly replied; "Give us another look at that dog".