ballpoint

Just renewed my car insurance and the woman said... Before you go do you have any pets? Me.. Yes I have a dog Her.. Would you like to insure him? Me... No he can't drive.

Bloke just knocked on my door. I opened it and he was about 3ft 3"tall. I said "who are you?" he said "I'm the meter man.

Just reading that there's a small island off the coast of Italy which is inhabited by 5 million Sicillion people… That's the biggest number I've ever heard!

I’m trying to organise a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

Alfred Clampitt, a six foot 4 inch, hairy drunk who has halitosis, BO, dandruff, fleas and a nasty temper, was named by police today as Britain's most unwanted man.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are standing.

The world is $400 trillion in debt. Which planet do we owe it to ?

Spoke to my Son last night about him treating the house like a hotel. I thought it went ok, but now there's a <deleted> review on trip advisor.

A bloke took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks" the bloke replied

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read: 'One day this could be you.' So I put my pound back in my pocket, just in case he's right.