ballpoint

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

A blonde was trying to sell her old car without much success, because it had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.' “Oh no, not now. Let's look at the moon!' said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged. 'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita. 'Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.' Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.' Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... 'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.' Merry Christmas. And take your mind out of the gutter.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop asked "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."

It's the 8th dwarf. Jeehaddy.

Elon's quote was "until I find someone foolish enough to take the job". One man is over qualified.

And they both manage to find the same "some of the people" who they can fool all of the time.

Headline coming soon: "Donald Trump appointed CEO of Twitter".

The perfect Christmas present, from 1951. Complete with a lump of uranium-238. Buy it for your kids and see their tiny faces light up.

An angel walks into a hardware store and says, “I’d like to buy a Christmas tree.” The cashier asks, “Are you putting it up yourself?” The angel replies, “Yes.”

My neighbour's a devout Buddhist, but he still celebrates Christmas. Every December he sits under the Christmas tree, wraps himself in paper and lives in the present.