ballpoint

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in a hot oven until its bill withers.

Depends what day. I've got HG Wells coming over last Tuesday.

A medical student is walking along the banks of a river, and he witnesses a man fall in. The student bravely dives into the water and drags the man to the bank. The student climbs out, checks the man for vital signs and starts mouth to mouth as the man is not breathing. To the student's horror the man just starts to cough up water, so he rolls the man onto his front and starts vigorously pressing on the man's back to get the water out of his lungs. By this time a small crowd had gathered, and after a minute of so one of the crowd spoke up and said "you know it would be easier if you dragged the man up the bank a little bit". The student looked up at the voice, and replied "I am a second year medical student, I know what I am doing!" The voice was quiet for a moment, then went on to say "Very good, but I am a third year engineering student and if you don't get his backside out of the water all you are going to do is drain the river"

Reuters: "British man plunges to death in Ibiza" That toilet must have been seriously blocked.

If 2X2 makes 4 and 3X3 makes 9, how does OXO make gravy?

The Royal Norwegian Navy put barcodes on ships, so when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Faith can move mountains. She's just bought a big digger.

I'm sick of people leaving their wet umbrellas on my hall carpet when they come round to visit. It's time for me to make a stand.

I've just seen the weather report for Motown. 3 degrees, 4 Tops.

I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.

For sale: DeLorean DMC-12. No time wasters.

Following the safety advice that you should never return to a firework that hasn't gone off, my back garden has been out of bounds since 1997.

News for DIY fans Jack Black & Carol Decker are opening a tool shop together, it's going to be called Jack & Carol's tool shop.

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked : 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 Latvian men and 1 Latvian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman 2 English men and 1 English woman One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two Latvian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Latvian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about: her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

Two Aliens talking....... 1st Alien... "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite based nuclear weapons". 2nd Alien "Are they an emerging intelligence"? 1st Alien.... "I don`t think so. They have them aimed at themselves".

The army have officially released their new gun sights.