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ballpoint

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Everything posted by ballpoint

  1. ballpoint
    When we go on holiday my wife has to take a suitcase just for her knickers. God knows what we'd do if she took two pairs.
  2. ballpoint
    I've just started resistance training at the gym. So far this week I've resisted training four times!
  3. ballpoint
    The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.
  4. ballpoint
    Colonel Mustard. In the living room. With the door handle. Next.
  5. ballpoint
    Did you know if you said Mama Mia! in Italy it's an exclamation, but if you say it in Yorkshire it means "I'm home".
  6. ballpoint
    I asked my hairdresser if she has ever given a henna rinse? She said "no, but I've given a duck a bath."
  7. ballpoint
    I got home last night and my wife shouted "There is bright red lipstick all over your collar! Where's that from?" "I don't know" I replied, "But I'm seeing her again tonight so I'll ask her."
  8. ballpoint
    My neighbour Sid was a miserable chap. Sadly though, he’d been ill for some time. Fearing that his end was near, he called his wife to his bedside. "I have one last wish”, he said to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbour, Ken". His wife was perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken", she asks him. "I do", said Sid.
  9. ballpoint
    TRAFFIC ALERT....A truck carrying incontinence pants has spilled its load on the M62... Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.
  10. ballpoint
    My wife bought me a ceramic Rubik Cube, but I soon cracked that.
  11. ballpoint
    IKEA have sponsored our local primary school. Now assembly takes ages.
  12. ballpoint
    My wife just slipped and dislocated her jaw, and now she can't talk. I'd better phone the doctor and ask him to drop round anytime, in the next couple of months...
  13. ballpoint
    How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Please send answers on a coastguard.
  14. ballpoint
    If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies? The Swallow.
  15. ballpoint
    If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in? Quick answers please!
  16. ballpoint
    My mate said, "I like your sports car." I said, "it's not very practical now we have a baby." He said, "how about I buy it off you?" I said, "Go on then. Three Grand?" He said, "you've got yourself a deal." I said, "Nice one. You're going to make a brilliant dad!!"
  17. ballpoint
    Elvis Costello has a new job at the biscuit factory. He's watching the digestives.
  18. ballpoint
    My Wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted. Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.
  19. ballpoint
    I took my gran to one of those spas with little fish that nibble dead skin. A bit expensive, but a damn sight cheaper than a funeral would have been.
  20. ballpoint
    Don't mean to brag, but I overheard the doctor mention a trophy whilst talking about my muscles.
  21. ballpoint
    I'm not saying people in my area have bad teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.
  22. ballpoint
    "I'm going out to scrape the car," my wife said one icy morning. "Against what?" I replied.
  23. ballpoint
    I phoned up a hotel and the receptionist said "hello, best western?". I said "Unforgiven with Clint Eastwood".
  24. ballpoint
    A bad workman always blames his fools… Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…
  25. ballpoint
    Few people know that Albert Einstein had a brother who was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts. His name was Frank.

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