Lesson Finally Learned

[KhaoYai]

I haven't been a member here for long but I've been involved with Thailand for around 16 years.  Of course I'd heard all the stories about foreigners losing their life savings and having serious relationship problems (although I've also seen plenty of married foreigners misbehaving in bars too).  Its only since I joined this forum that I've read some of these stories in more detail and you know,  in an awful lot of situations, I just don't think that Western and Thai cultures are truly compatible.  I use the term culture loosely as I don't really know if its actually culture or not but I see a hell of a lot of things going on in Thailand that I have never seen at home - it might go on but I haven't seen it.  I would also say that obviously there are some relationships that do work and possibly some couples that exist on an equal footing where one isn't trying to get as much as they can from the other regardless.

 

I've had my share, probably more than my share of failed relationships in Thailand, maybe not failed in the sense I'd mean in Farangland because I've simply learned to get out when things weren't right but nevertheless, the relationship has failed. Thankfully I've kept my wits about me and haven't lost a lot of cash. The emotional cost has been pretty high though and I've finally realised that if I'd listened to my own gut feelings when I first became involved with Thailand, I could have saved myself a whole lot of hassle.

 

What were those gut feelings?  Well, I heard all the stories about Westerners flying in having met a young Thai girl on their previous trip, going back home, selling up and returning with a wheelbarrow full of money to marry their young beauty only to lose everything and end up on their own a relatively short time later.  Those stories alone should have made me more alert, more wary and more careful of who I chose to have a relationship with but did it? Of course not, I wasn't stupid, 'my girl was different' wasn't she? Yes I'd heard all that and learned nothing really but something I learned during my second serious relationship with a Thai should have taught me volumes.

 

Basically my then girlfriend lived with her mum in Bangkok, she was 21 at the time, a student and a real beauty. Her father and mother had broken up when she was very young but there was still a friendship between them and they would all still get together for birthdays etc.  Her dad had a girlfriend who he lived with and worked in something to do with the Crime Supression Division - he was a bit of a loser who liked to drink too much and was always borrowing money from her mother which she would never see returned. Her mum was a hard working woman who'd worked in the logistics department of a famous clothing brand's distributor for over 30 years.  One night my girfriend told me something that shocked me to the core. 

 

She told me that her dad's girfriend was actually married to a German guy who came over to Thailand 2 or 3 times a year. The German thought my girlfriend's father was his wife's brother!  When he came across to visit his wife my girlfriend's father simply moved into the spare room and listened to the German banging his girlfriend all night! Not only that, so believing of this story was the German, he also went on fishing trips with my girlfriend's father!  That in itself shocked me but the whole matter was talked about by both my girlfriend and her mother as if it was acceptable - not that it was right, just that it was acceptable.  I remember telling her and her mother how surpised I was that they still had anything to do with this man at all.  Maybe my girlfriend could possibly seek a little forgiveness because after all he was her dad. But her mother, an otherwise moral, hard working woman who'd been wronged by this parasite in the past - I just couldn't understand. I asked them both why they wanted anything at all to do with him and was simply told - up to him!

 

Maybe things like this happen in the west but I've never seen it.  In my social group it just wouldn't happen and if it did, the participants would be treated like outcasts but there I was, in a relationship with someone who seemed, in her acceptance, to think this type of behaviour was OK.

 

I should have known then that these people were different but I didn't - I always thought it was perfectly possible for a Western man to have a successful relationship with a Thai woman. Over the years I've heard many such stories and seen far too many people lose their shirts and I finally believe I've learned my lesson - but its a lesson I should have learned from that first experience.

 

I've decided that the only way for a foreigner to have a good life in Thailand is to be single and play them at their own game.  Thailand is a great place to use as a base for travel within Asia so I plan to do a lot of travelling.  I've learned how to get most of the things I need at almost Thai prices and know enough of the language so as to only need help in the most official of circumstances.  As for girls, well.....let them throw themselves at me thinking they've hooked a fish, I'll take whatever's on offer for a short time but then I'm outta there. I already have a house, I don't need to build one for anyone but if they want to play around for a few weeks thinking I might build them one, I can play that game but not for long.

[Dmaxdan]

The trick is to find a Thai woman that has never knowingly thought about a relationship with a Farang or has no acquaintances who have Farang partners. Then they have nothing to compare it with.

I willing to bet there are just as many TV members who have long term successful relationships as those that had problems, if not more.

[Kwasaki]

2 hours ago, KhaoYai said:

I already have a house, I don't need to build one for anyone but if they want to play around for a few weeks thinking I might build them one, I can play that game but not for long.

Sounds like you get involved with the wrong people and still have lot to learn still.

[phitsanulokjohn]

That man's my Brother.

How many times have I heard that old chestnut?

and by all accounts still doing the rounds most successfully.

[hellohello123]

i am far too cynical, and a realist to know that 30-50% of marriages fail (or whatever the statisic is)

 

that if I were to marry, I am not going think , "we're different" regardless of age, race, culture

 

unromantic? yes

 

[from the home of CC]

wouldn't trade my Thai wife in for all the western women in the world.

[hellohello123]

Just now, from the home of CC said:

wouldn't trade my Thai wife in for all the western women in the world.

be careful!!!, she may trade you in for any farang in any part of the world!!!???

[Ketyo]

One aspect that is more common in Thailand than many Western countries, I reckon, is that there is a higher frequency of bare faced lies and a higher acceptance that people lie to get on in life. This is often done to save face, to protect personal relatiomships, or to avoid conflict. It may seem wierd to people who assume most people are honest most of the time. It can come as a surprise to westerners since Thai people are often polite, personable and sociable. Whereas in the west, known big time liars are often ostracised....but of course not always...

[Gecko123]

It's a myth that there's a Thai girl waiting for every foreign guy who hops on a plane and comes here. That's right: even when you look in all the right places, do your homework, and take your time, cultural differences and language barriers make it hard to know what you're getting into until it's too late. Some men are not temperamentally suited to transcend these barriers, and that's not necessarily a shortcoming on their part. Steering clear of romantic entanglements is oftentimes the wisest course of action. Counterintuitive in a country with a reputation for being a girlie mecca, but nevertheless true. Nothing to be ashamed about. Often quite liberating, actually.

[oldrunner]

Speaking of "that's my Brother", early into my relationship with my wife of, now, 33 happy years, she showed me a room on the other side of the Chowphya River where she was staying. There to my dismay was a military uniform hanging on the wall. My heart sank but she assured me that it was the uniform belonging to her younger brother. Long story short, she moved in with me and years later I met the brother. He was and is a total Dork, married to a Thai, begat a daughter, lost the Thai wife and is now living with his daughter and her husband.

[Berkshire]

2 minutes ago, Ketyo said:

Whereas in the west, known big time liars are often ostracised....but of course not always...

Hmmm, we in the USA have a pathological liar as President and his supporters certainly haven't ostracized him.  But back to the OP, the only loser in that piece seems to be the German guy.  What the heck is going on with that guy?

[oldrunner]

Berkshire sure sounds British so leave President Trump out of your limited mental capability.

[wwest5829]

6 hours ago, Dmaxdan said:

The trick is to find a Thai woman that has never knowingly thought about a relationship with a Farang or has no acquaintances who have Farang partners. Then they have nothing to compare it with.

I willing to bet there are just as many TV members who have long term successful relationships as those that had problems, if not more.

Agreed although it is recognized that one must deal with the reality of a different culture. From my first visit in 2009, I have always had great experiences with Thai females but I have also always kept my balance.

[bubba45]

Quite a few years back a novel came out here called "Private Dancer".  A writer for the BKK Post, believe it was, reviewed it and said it should be handed out free to every single westerner coming into the country.  One of the many occurrences in the book was exactly that, husband passed off as brother.  Good, entertaining read.  Still in print, as far as I know.

[Enoon]

59 minutes ago, phitsanulokjohn said:

That man's my Brother.

How many times have I heard that old chestnut?

and by all accounts still doing the rounds most successfully.

 

I guess you've "heard" it many times..........unsubstantiated, second/thirdhand, on TVF, from people who "heard" it likewise.

 

I don't know how many times you have actually heard it said to you in the real world.

 

I have heard it four times.

 

As a result of being introduced to four brothers.......and their wives.......and their children.

 

 

 

[NCC1701A]

it is just a game.

 

 

 

[hellohello123]

10 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

It's a myth that there's a Thai girl waiting for every foreign guy who hops on a plane and comes here. That's right: even when you look in all the right places, do your homework, and take your time, cultural differences and language barriers make it hard to know what you're getting into until it's too late. Some men are not temperamentally suited to transcend these barriers, and that's not necessarily a shortcoming on their part. Steering clear of romantic entanglements is oftentimes the wisest course of action. Counterintuitive in a country with a reputation for being a girlie mecca, but nevertheless true. Nothing to be ashamed about. Often quite liberating, actually.

thats what happens when you leave your brain and both heads at Suvarnabhumi airprot

[wwest5829]

6 minutes ago, oldrunner said:

Berkshire sure sounds British so leave President Trump out of your limited mental capability.

So, as an American citizen, I concur with Berkshire. So do you always assume something before establishing the facts of the matter?

Edited August 7, 2018 by wwest5829

[oldrunner]

You, on the other hand, speak in funny a sentence.

Edited August 7, 2018 by oldrunner
grammer

[kannot]

12 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

It's a myth that there's a Thai girl waiting for every foreign guy who hops on a plane and comes here. That's right: even when you look in all the right places, do your homework, and take your time, cultural differences and language barriers make it hard to know what you're getting into until it's too late. Some men are not temperamentally suited to transcend these barriers, and that's not necessarily a shortcoming on their part. Steering clear of romantic entanglements is oftentimes the wisest course of action. Counterintuitive in a country with a reputation for being a girlie mecca, but nevertheless true. Nothing to be ashamed about. Often quite liberating, actually.

What I knew about my Wife before I came was............no  kids, no parents, own condo (rented) full time  job, salary 12k month in a chemical company in admin, she had also had a  short   village marriage to another farang for about 3 months but I think he was  looking for something different and they split  up.

We got  married (real marriage) 10  months after meeting it costs us 400 baht for the meal with our two friends/witnesses, no family there at all. She  told me  all this before i set foot  here.

We  lived apart for about 4-5  years until i moved here  full time.

Married 12  years so far, no  kids and rarely see the family as most are wasters, her  words.

[kannot]

8 minutes ago, NCC1701A said:

it is just a game.

 

 

 

Like  Russian roulette???

[Naamblar2014]

I would prefer to hear my wife say,  the stunningly sexy woman is my Sister.

 

Party time!

 

 

[sanmyn]

18 minutes ago, oldrunner said:

Berkshire sure sounds British so leave President Trump out of your limited mental capability.

Sounds like You have the limited capacity..

 

[Berkshire]

22 minutes ago, oldrunner said:

Berkshire sure sounds British so leave President Trump out of your limited mental capability.

I'm an American you rube.

[ratcatcher]

25 minutes ago, oldrunner said:

Berkshire sure sounds British so leave President Trump out of your limited mental capability.

No, his name is pronounced Burkshire, if he was British he'd be Barksher.

[baansgr]

1 hour ago, phitsanulokjohn said:

That man's my Brother.

How many times have I heard that old chestnut?

and by all accounts still doing the rounds most successfully.

It does happen, especially a lot in Issan. I know personally one guy.

[Gecko123]

7 hours ago, Dmaxdan said:

The trick is to find a Thai woman that has never knowingly thought about a relationship with a Farang or has no acquaintances who have Farang partners. Then they have nothing to compare it with.

I willing to bet there are just as many TV members who have long term successful relationships as those that had problems, if not more.

Outside of Buddhist nunneries, remote hilltribes, and perhaps schools for deaf mutes, such girls do not exist nowadays. You would need to go back in a time machine to find them.

 

Few villages have never had a girl bring a foreign man back to the village. Village girls return after stints in Pattaya, etc., spreading the gospel of how much money is to be made and what foreign men are like. They see the houses being built, the cars being bought, the monthly stipends arriving by bank transfer, the whirlwind romances. The whimisical fantasy of marrying a foreigner and moving to easy street is deeply engrained in the Thai female psyche. I am NOT saying that every Thai women dreams of marrying a foreign guy. Far, far, from it. But they are all aware of this possibility if only as a cultural reference point, even if they aren't themselves interested in getting involved with a foreign guy. 

 

Even if you argue that such girls can still be found, wouldn't she really have to have her head in the sand to be so unaware? And the second she hooked up with you wouldn't she be bombarded with anecdotes from friends, family, coworkers, and social media about what life with a farang is like? I agree that long-term solid relationships between foreign guys and Thai women are entirely possible, but whether they outnumber those which crash and burn is debateable.

Edited August 7, 2018 by Gecko123

[scottiejohn]

28 minutes ago, ratcatcher said:

No, his name is pronounced Burkshire, if he was British he'd be Barksher.

That depends where in the UK you are from.  

Edited August 7, 2018 by scottiejohn

[NoMeAmes]

51 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

Hmmm, we in the USA have a pathological liar as President and his supporters certainly haven't ostracized him.  But back to the OP, the only loser in that piece seems to be the German guy.  What the heck is going on with that guy?

he probably thinks "my wife is different"

[Get Real]

Oh dear. You have been involved with Thailand for about 16 years. Yeah, I guess some people never find the answers. Good Luck in the future.