Thai womens' attitudes to money in relationships

[Hervey Bay]

Greetings all,

For all I know, this topic may have been done to death in the past, but I have not done a forum search because my own problem is individual. More details in my next post. Please bear with me.

I am not currently in Thailand but understand a certain amount about Thai culture, have lived there previously for about 4 years, and I am married to a Thai woman. We live overseas now.

 

I am still....after years of marriage and some life in Thailand.....trying to understand Thai womens' attitudes to money in relationships, perhaps due to my own cultural upbringing. Having grown up in the States, and having a mildly feminist but enlightened mother, my family and friends have always insisted on equality of the sexes, and this also means equal responsibility in sharing bills. But my wife says that the one thing that hurts her heart the most is that I try to share our expenses equally. She seems to think it is me being stingy. What does that have to do with her heart ? It's just being equal.

 

I know that Thailand is a quite traditional society and that the husband takes care of the wife, especially if he works and she stays at home and looks after the house or kids. But we don't have children, rent a small apartment, and she works....earning just as much as I do.

Before she started work I supported her completely and I was not stingy. So it really feels that now I am being manipulated into a financially inferior position. I have paid for so much already.

This whole situation is really doing my head in and I'm having to book a session with a psychologist.

 

[BritManToo]

7 minutes ago, Hervey Bay said:

I know that Thailand is a quite traditional society and that the husband takes care of the wife

The Thai government doesn't make so many 'fake' jobs for women as the USA, it doesn't give welfare payments for single moms either. So the man has to provide.

 

We've got to the situation where women in the west no longer need men, so we come here where they still need us then complain we have to pay for everything. You have two choices, pay for her, or live alone (just like the western women).

[Rally123]

11 minutes ago, Hervey Bay said:

 

I am still....after years of marriage and some life in Thailand.....trying to understand Thai womens' attitudes to money in relationships

It's easy enough to understand really. What is theirs is theirs, and what is yours is theirs as well. Simple innit. 

[Enoon]

Yes, it has been done to death.

 

There is nothing especially "individual" about your situation.

 

Same old: they're different and you don't know how to deal with different.

 

Why do you people plunge around the world thinking everyone, everywhere is going to conform to your "back home" conditioning?

 

 

[smutcakes]

A huge amount of Thai women (and men) have very limited ability to improve their life's due to predominantly lack of education or the poor state of it, which does not allow them to seek or get good jobs with growth potential.

 

Because of this and to improve their families life's they jump into bed with men they have very little attraction to in the hope that it improves their and their families lives. If money/supprt is not provided why in the world would they be with you? They may as well stay in Thailand where they are around their families who are their number one concern and they can either get a menial low paying job where they have little advancement opportunity and live virtually hand to mouth but be with their family or they can seek a better opportunity with a less thrifty farang.

[Hervey Bay]

My wife is educated, and had a fairly good government job in Thailand in which her income was increasing incrementally, and she gave that up to live O/S with me.

And no....I don't understand  "different" .  That is why I am posting here.....to learn the parameters.

[OneMoreFarang]

It's easy:

If you are 50 and she is 20 and hot you pay the bills - all of them.

And with such a girl you wouldn't mind paying all of the bills. You are happy.

 

But it seems you are not happy paying all those bills. In fact you want that she pays a good part of them.

Let me guess: Your wife is not young and hot (anymore)...

 

[melvinmelvin]

I could not be comfortable

 

in a  relationship where it is not a shared responsibility to chip in financially.

 

[OneMoreFarang]

15 minutes ago, smutcakes said:

Because of this and to improve their families life's they jump into bed with men they have very little attraction to in the hope that it improves their and their families lives.

Don't say there is little attraction.

Many are certainly attracted by the money. They love it. And they will love him long time as long as they have access to the money they love.

[OneMoreFarang]

Just now, melvinmelvin said:

I could not be comfortable

in a  relationship where it is not a shared responsibility to chip in financially.

Why?

Lots of guys have and had relationships like that. Ask your father and grandfathers...

 

Sometimes I speak with guys who are proud that they have a wife who works and makes money. And then those guys tell me that they do lots of work at home like cleaning, etc. That must be a fantastic life for them - I wouldn't want it.

 

[Hervey Bay]

My wife is 41, and I am 20 years older, but look only 10 years older (really !).

Ok....here is part of the individual problem...she has left me, using a spurious reason, and now refuses any counselling or possibility of a reconciliation. It's awful.

[stevkob]

 

Your biggest mistake was taking her to your home country.

[KMartinHandyman]

Now the story goes further. Let us know when you’re finished dropping new shoes.

[beau thai]

I think smutcakes above has hit the nail on the head.

 

There is a very good book called Thailand Fever written by a thai and farang, that goes a long way to explain cultural differences between thai and farang. You may think that by now you know all that but I really recommend you both read it. It has saved many relationships!

 

God luck in understanding where she is coming from. That is unlikely to change in my view so you may need to move in her direction a little if you feel the relationship is worth working for,.

[Will27]

37 minutes ago, Hervey Bay said:

My wife is 41, and I am 20 years older, but look only 10 years older (really !).

Ok....here is part of the individual problem...she has left me, using a spurious reason, and now refuses any counselling or possibility of a reconciliation. It's awful.

TBH, the reason she left is irrelevant IMO.

 

She either wants to be with you or doesn't.

Is she doesn't want to try to get back together, there's your answer.

You'll no doubt find out more information down the track.

 

Time to move on I'm afraid.

[Sheryl]

My wife is 41, and I am 20 years older, but look only 10 years older (really !).

Ok....here is part of the individual problem...she has left me, using a spurious reason, and now refuses any counselling or possibility of a reconciliation. It's awful.

I suspect the money aspect is not the only issue here but she is apparently unwilling to discuss what is. Which is not unusual.

 

Thai women are culturally conditioned to be sort of passive aggressive and not speak up about what bothers them. The actual cultural ideal is to be passive, unswervingly loyal and suffer in silence but that is simply not human nature, so what happens instead is all sorts of indirect expression and passive aggressiveness.

 

I have been told by Thai men I had serious relationships with that one of the things they most appreciated (and found remarkable) was that when I was unhappy about something I would tell them and we could openly talk through any issues we had. While there are always exceptions, this is very much not the usual way with Thai women. They will in fact go through all sorts of convoluted manuevers including creating "test" situations all of which can add to the confusion. Multiple small misunderstandings add up over time. Etc.

 

There may be an altogether different reason or your wife may simply not feel that you are sufficiently loving to her. Paying for someone even though it is not necessary (i.e. they are financially capable of paying their own way) is one way of showing affection/care though certainly not the only way.

 

The rules in Thai culture around who pays for things do differ from Western. Splitting the check when going out is pretty much unheard of, for example; one person will pay for the other(s) and whomever does so is seen in the role of caring for the other(s). In family settings, regular living costs arrangements will usually reflect the financial realities and a wife with income will often contribute to costs (maybe even more than 50% if hers is the higher income) but even so, the husband will make financial gestures (occasional gifts, paying for dinner etc when rhey go out) to demonstrate his "care" for her.

 

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[robblok]

1 hour ago, smutcakes said:

A huge amount of Thai women (and men) have very limited ability to improve their life's due to predominantly lack of education or the poor state of it, which does not allow them to seek or get good jobs with growth potential.

 

Because of this and to improve their families life's they jump into bed with men they have very little attraction to in the hope that it improves their and their families lives. If money/supprt is not provided why in the world would they be with you? They may as well stay in Thailand where they are around their families who are their number one concern and they can either get a menial low paying job where they have little advancement opportunity and live virtually hand to mouth but be with their family or they can seek a better opportunity with a less thrifty farang.

That is when you hook up with a woman who has no means to provide for herself. If your ok with this be my guest, i prefer if possible a woman that can make her own money so that I don't have to wonder why she is with me.. money .. or me.

 

People differ here in what they want and like so I am not going to put down members with other idea's about it. Though IMHO if your paying a salary and GF is way more attractive then you and way younger there is a big chance she is only in it for the money. If that is the case why not rent by the day. Plus if your just a money machine for the girl.. would she be loyal, would she try ways to get all your money (theft cheating ect).

 

Anyway on the other hand I know of guys who had a girl / woman that worked and paid her money to work less (topping it up to her original income) so that they could spend more time together. If you know Thai working ours then this is understandable.

 

But for guys who are in relations based on money.. don't moan about it you accepted it and don't think that ALL Thai woman are like that and put them all down when the relation blows up in your face.

 

When I first arrived my views were far stronger on this subject.. now its live and let live but i still hate it when guys who got hurt in money based relations put down all Thai woman for it.

 

 

[robblok]

7 minutes ago, Sheryl said:

I suspect the money aspect is not the only issue here but she is apparently unwilling to discuss what is. Which is not unusual.

Thai women are culturally conditioned to be sort of passive aggressive and not speak up about what bothers them. The actual cultural ideal is to be passive, unswervingly loyal and suffer in silence but that is simply not human nature, so what happens instead is all sorts of indirect expression and passive aggressiveness.

I have been told by Thai men I had serious relationships with that one of the things they most appreciated (and found remarkable) was that when I was unhappy about something I would tell them and we could openly talk through any issues we had. While there are always exceptions, this is very much not the usual way with Thai women. They will in fact go through all sorts of convoluted manuevers including creating "test" situations all of which can add to the confusion. Multiple small misunderstandings afd up over time. Etc.

There may be an altogether different reason or your wife may simply not feel that you are sufficiently loving to her. Paying for someone even though it is not necessary (i.e. they are financially capable if paying their own way) is one way of showing affection/care though certainly not the only way.

The rules in Thai culture around who pays for things do differ from Western. Splitting the check when going out is pretty much unheard of, for example; one person will pay for the other(s) and whomever does so is seen in the role of caring for the other(s). In family settings, regular living costs arrangements will usually reflect the financial realities and a wife with income will often contribute to costs (maybe even more than 50% if hers is the higher income) but even so, the husband will make financial gestures (occasional gifts, paying for dinner etc when rhey go out) to demonstrate his "care" for her.

Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app
 

Sheryl,

 

Maybe its different in Bangkok and maybe its depends of the age range of the woman but I have been in more then a few relations where the woman actually contributed 50% for diner and stuff like that. But again these were university educated woman who had their own jobs. 

 

In longer relations I would often contribute more of course because my income is higher but I still liked it when the lady paid a bit her way. 

[BritManToo]

50 minutes ago, Hervey Bay said:

My wife is 41, and I am 20 years older, but look only 10 years older (really !).

1

 ......... and you believed her?

[whiteman]

My wife is educated hence why she left you

[SuperTed]

Read Thailand Fever, on the pirate site for free. Explains everything. Haven’t met a Thai woman who disagrees with it. Written in English and Thai.


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

[CharlieH]

Off topic removed.

[Lacessit]

My best guess is the next step will be her claiming half the assets from the marriage, as she is now operating under Western family law. You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a good lawyer.

[Sheryl]

OP, I forgot to add re what you might do now:

 

1. Professional counseling is an alien concept to most Thais so not surprising she refuses it. That in itself does not necessarily mean she does not want to reconcile if possible.

 

2. Your best approach would be through an intermediary....preferrably a female Thai friend. Use of intermediaries is a time honored Thai technique. If you can find such a person, what you need to convey is:

 

- you do love her and want to continue the marriage

 

- you need help understanding what is botheting her, because you really do not know.

 

- Thai and Western ways of showing love may be different and it is easy to have cultural midunderstanding

 

 

Then wait and see what feedback you get.

 

Sent from my SM-J701F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

 

 

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

1 hour ago, Hervey Bay said:

My wife is 41, and I am 20 years older, but look only 10 years older (really !).

Ok....here is part of the individual problem...she has left me, using a spurious reason, and now refuses any counselling or possibility of a reconciliation. It's awful.

If she is 41 then her value on the marriage market is about 0. That does not reflect good on you...

[stevkob]

3 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

If she is 41 then her value on the marriage market is about 0. That does not reflect good on you...

In essence I agree with you if they were living in Thailand but the OP is now living overseas (Aust I think).

IMO Thai women age better than Western women and she can easily pull a local geezer much younger than the OP.

Which I believe is the situation now,,,, time will tell. I still stand by my earlier post, the OP's biggest mistake was taking her back to Aust.

[melvinmelvin]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Why?

Lots of guys have and had relationships like that. Ask your father and grandfathers...

 

Sometimes I speak with guys who are proud that they have a wife who works and makes money. And then those guys tell me that they do lots of work at home like cleaning, etc. That must be a fantastic life for them - I wouldn't want it.

 

 

guess mainly because I think equality is OK

 

[OneMoreFarang]

1 hour ago, robblok said:

That is when you hook up with a woman who has no means to provide for herself. If your ok with this be my guest, i prefer if possible a woman that can make her own money so that I don't have to wonder why she is with me.. money .. or me.

I think the question is not "money - or me". A guy with money lives and behaves differently from a guy who has no or little money.

If a girl likes good food, nice holidays, shopping, etc. and a guy provides all that then basically he makes her happy.

If they wouldn't go out to nice restaurants, couldn't go on holiday, then the relationship would be different. Maybe they would sit at home in front of the TV or maybe stroll through a park but it wouldn't involve lots of things which are nice but cost money.

 

There is no such test like: Would she love me without money (little or a lot) because a person with money or without money lives and behaves differently. Basically it's a different person.

[OneMoreFarang]

11 minutes ago, stevkob said:

In essence I agree with you if they were living in Thailand but the OP is now living overseas (Aust I think).

IMO Thai women age better than Western women and she can easily pull a local geezer much younger than the OP.

Which I believe is the situation now,,,, time will tell. I still stand by my earlier post, the OP's biggest mistake was taking her back to Aust.

He should be happy that that old woman in gone and found a new sponsor.

Now he can find another one - nice, young and pretty ????

[robblok]

2 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I think the question is not "money - or me". A guy with money lives and behaves differently from a guy who has no or little money.

If a girl likes good food, nice holidays, shopping, etc. and a guy provides all that then basically he makes her happy.

If they wouldn't go out to nice restaurants, couldn't go on holiday, then the relationship would be different. Maybe they would sit at home in front of the TV or maybe stroll through a park but it wouldn't involve lots of things which are nice but cost money.

 

There is no such test like: Would she love me without money (little or a lot) because a person with money or without money lives and behaves differently. Basically it's a different person.

I disagree partly because a people don't change.. if your an arrogant ..... with money then your an arrogant .... without money. So your basic behavior is the same. Money never changed me in how I am. What your saying is that a girl that likes luxury will like a guy with money more.. IMHO its also paying. But I get what you say.. the lines are really not that clear. 

 

Anyway.. good thing we all like different things and girls behave different so there is a match for all of us. But I am sure you agree there are relations that are based on nothing more then money. That is the other extreme.