Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[Yellowtail]

[roo860]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[ravip]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[roo860]

Just been to a tennis themed restaurant.
The service was terrible, so many faults.
Just a complete racket.
Might have to take them to court…

[Gandtee]

52 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

They got their just deserts. I can't spell either.????

[jvs]

10 minutes ago, roo860 said:

Just been to a tennis themed restaurant.
The service was terrible, so many faults.
Just a complete racket.
Might have to take them to court…

so i take it you did not get any love?

[scottiejohn]

28 minutes ago, roo860 said:

Just been to a tennis themed restaurant.
The service was terrible, so many faults.
Just a complete racket.
Might have to take them to court…

What was the net result?  Did they serve singles, doubles  and mixed and did you Lob a tip at them as you exited saying you would not return?

[jvs]

A doctor met his doctor friend for their monthly meeting to

talk about strange cases and to keep each other sane.

The one doctor goes,

"patients are driving me crazy?Pain in the foot,pain in the neck,

pain in the stomach and pain everywhere!

It's giving me a headache"!

[xtrnuno41]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. 
The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.”
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?”

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” 
The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks 
“What do you guys want today?”

The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” 
So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”
The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”
The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

[xtrnuno41]

THE MAGICIAN

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. 
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: 

“Look, it’s not the same hat.” 
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.” 
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” 

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. 

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. 
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. 
This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?” 

MAFIA

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer. 
The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” 
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.” 

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. 
The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” 
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.” 

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!” 
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” 
The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!” 

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?” 
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.” 

FARMER TO MARKET

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. 
The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm 
and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?” 
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

SALESMAN FROM TEXAS

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. 
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. 
“Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 
“How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” 
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?” 

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. 
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, 
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. 
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?” 

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 
‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing” 

SINGLE SHOPPING

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in 
front of the cashier.

He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly 
unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?

The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n <deleted>.” 

WISH TO THE GENIE

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 
The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. 
This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, 
“I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. 
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! 
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! 
No, think of another wish!”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. 
Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. 
My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. 
So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment 
. . .know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’ . . . know how to make them truly happy . . .”

The genie then said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?” 

BAD DAY FOR FARMACIST

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. 
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” 
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 
“Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. 
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. 
Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. 
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. 
Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – 
when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles
on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. 
It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!” 

LANGUAGE

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when 
she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. 
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella “Mississippi”! 

[xtrnuno41]

[Yellowtail]

Confession 

 

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

 

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4-months. Now you go and behave yourself.

 

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

 

Four months vacation and five good leads !

[xtrnuno41]

[brianthainess]

A man thinks his wife has Tourette syndrome, both the families think the same and recommend he take her to a physiatrist,

After an hour she comes out and says the doctor wants to talk to you. " I have good news, your wife does not have Tourette's, I have had a long chat with her, and buy what she said you really are a <deleted> and she does want you to Fork Off.  

[Crossy]

[Crossy]

[Crossy]

[ravip]

[LikeItHot]

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Edited September 2, 2023 by LikeItHot