Worst Joke Ever 2024

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[billd766]

13 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

There's also a wall that needs rebuilding.

Don't forget Offa's Dyke.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Offa's_Dyke

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

If someone rips him off he will surely come to a sticky end then!

Mind you, you cannot accuse the little bird of being stuck up!

Edited July 25, 2023 by scottiejohn

[ravip]

[scottiejohn]

8 minutes ago, ravip said:

I like it but I hid to hit "confused"!

[ravip]

1 minute ago, scottiejohn said:

I like it but I hid to hit "confused"!

Why hide?

After anonymity,  confused  and sad emojis are aplenty!

Kind of miss 'em if a post doesn't get one 555

[scottiejohn]

2 minutes ago, ravip said:

Why hide?

After anonymity,  confused  and sad emojis are aplenty!

Kind of miss 'em if a post doesn't get one 555

Sorry for my miss-spell!

I was trying to "hid" my identity!

The removal of avatars is a backward step in my view, but then the site would not be getting this extra typing otherwise!!

In the past when we knew who made the "confused" etc we got the message and responded accordingly!  Those days are sadly gone hence my reduced number of responses!

Edited July 25, 2023 by scottiejohn

[Beachcomber]

Some More Contenders for Worst Joke...................

 

Solving a Murder Case
**************************
Q) what's the hardest part about solving a murder case in a trailer park?

A) there's no dental records and all the DNA matches
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Breath Of Life
***************
I have just released my own fragrance.
The people sitting near me on the bus don't look like they appreciate it, though.
-------------------------------------------------
Real State
************
I Just found out that my uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

However, I have no idea where Sod Hall is.

......... I'm just off to Google it now!
-----------------------------------------------
Swallowing coins
*******************
My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the childrens' room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.  Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded
cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
--------------------------------------------
Running on empty
*********************
I asked my partner if the cup was half full or half empty.
She told me: For the last time, to stop wearing her bras.
--------------------------------------------
Roll with it
************
Your veterinarian won't tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and buy some mustard.

It's the best thing for a hot dog.
---------------------------------------------
Smart Dog
************
An American psychologist is selling a book that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here’s how it works:

If you spend $22.99 for the book, your dog is smarter than you.
-----------------------------------------------
Howler
********
I told the nurse that I was bitten by a wolf.

“Where?” she asked.....

“No, I said a normal wolf!”
--------------------------------------------
Stolen good
*************
Americas most prolific handler of stolen goods died today.
He fell off the back of a lorry.
-----------------------------------------
Changing times
******************
My mate asked me...

“Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?"

I said, "Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.”
--------------------------------------
Going Bananas
*****************
I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.
-------------------------------------
New dating App.
******************
Q)Have you heard about the new dating app for arsonists??
A)Every week you get new 'matches'
------------------------------------
Good old Jonny
*****************
Little Jonny was a school sitting at the back of the class as normal when the teacher notice him pulling at his crutch

Teacher: Jonny what are you doing that for

Jonny: Well miss Yesterday if got circumsised and its really itchy today

Teacher: Oh dear go to the office and call you mother to pick you up

Jonny left the room and came back 10mins later and sat back at his chair, but this time he had his doodle out on display

Teacher: Oh my jonny what are you doing, I told you to call your mother and go home, now your here exposing yourself to everyone.

Jonny: Well miss mum said if I could just stick it out until lunch time she will come and get me!!!
---------------------------------------
Pat
****
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in.
-----------------------------------------
Knowing your place
**********************
A telemarketer called and asked to speak to "the person who runs the household"

I said "okay" and handed the phone to my 3 year old daughter
------------------------------------------
Poem about digging
**********************
I wrote a poem about digging.

I dig, you dig,
He dig, she dig,
They all dig.

It might not be a very beautiful poem, but you've got to admit it's really deep
-------------------------------------------
Control delete
***************
I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.
-------------------------------------------
Nice Ice Baby...
****************
Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater
-------------------------------------------

 

[ballpoint]

4 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

If someone rips him off he will surely come to a sticky end then!

Mind you, you cannot accuse the little bird of being stuck up!

You raven on again?  You murdered that crow joke.

[scottiejohn]

26 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

You raven on again?  You murdered that crow joke.

You are crowing again but cannot muster anything but the "unkindness" of the horde of comments that allow people to flock brood and clan against me.

I think you are part of a collective!

 

 

(those not understanding the collectives will have to flock off to Google!)

Edited July 25, 2023 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

43 minutes ago, Beachcomber said:

Your veterinarian won't tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and buy some mustard.

It's the best thing for a hot dog.

I'm not sure if you will relish this response but I will throw this one in;

 

A man was eating a hotdog:

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all." the woman replied.

The man picked up the dog and threw him over a wall and ate his hot dog with extra relish!.

[BenStark]

[roo860]

[Scott]

Inflammatory post reported and removed.  

 

[jvs]

3 hours ago, Beachcomber said:

Americas most prolific handler of stolen goods died today.
He fell off the back of a lorry.

What was he doing in the UK anyway?

[Beachcomber]

31 minutes ago, jvs said:

What was he doing in the UK anyway?

They have lorries in America, they just call them trucks, and yes I'm sure they have backs that things fall off  --- off  ????

[still kicking]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

 

Edited July 26, 2023 by WorriedNoodle

[WorriedNoodle]

[oxo1947]

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[oxo1947]

.

[Zyxel]

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what

arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

[Zyxel]

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]