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Posted
4 hours ago, ballpoint said:

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I need to socket to you as I didn't see that coming.  Eye will need to look out for your next spectacle!

Posted

A simple-minded man was sitting opposite a priest on the train. 
“Excuse me, why do you wear your collar back to front?” asked the man. 
“It’s because I’m a Father,” replied the priest. 
“But I’m a father too,” said the man, “and I don’t wear my collar back to front.” 
“Aah, but the difference is, I’m a father to thousands.” 
“Well, in that case,” retorted the man,

 

“it’s not your collar, it’s your trousers you should wear back to front.” 
 

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Posted

As a young man, Johnny set his heart on a very special girl – a dream lover.

But brewery heiresses who look like Marilyn Monroe, support Stoke City and drink pints, are very few and hard to find.

Eventually, he took second best and married Marjorie, a 15-stone pub cleaner.

Their wedding had a Wild West theme – well, her Dad brought a shotgun with him.

A blissful marriage, they still have special pet names for each other.

She calls him the Lone Ranger because he’s always looking in her purse for silver, and he calls her Bubbles because her mouth’s always covered in froth. 

She took him up to her bedroom and while he waited for her to slip into something more comfortable he noticed her room was piled high with all sorts of cuddly toys. But that was soon forgotten once they got down to it and made love.

After it was over he turned to her and said smugly, “How was it for you?”

 

“Not bad, I suppose,” she replied, “you can pick anything from the bottom shelf.” 

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Posted
6 minutes ago, fangless said:

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!

 

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!

 

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!


What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
 An elfcicle!

 

Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

 

How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!

 

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

 

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

 

Who is the Music Elf's favourite reindeer?
Dancer!

 

Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?
Rude-olph!


What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!


Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!


Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!

 

What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!


 

Santa's wife looking out of the window at the weather: "Looks like rain dear."

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Posted

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!


What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!


Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!


What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
 A pineapple!


What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!


What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!

 

Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
 Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!


Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
 Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
 Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
 Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!

 

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said

"I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!


 

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Posted

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year due to COVID?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

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Posted

What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm

 

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? One day my prints will come


What’s a dog’s favourite carol? Bark, the herald angels sing

 

What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner? Twerky

 

What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes

 

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack

 

What do you give a dog for Christmas? A mobile bone


What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Father Christmas in a revolving door


What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite


Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no body to go with


Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer


How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger


 

  • Like 1
Posted
36 minutes ago, bluesofa said:

Santa's wife looking out of the window at the weather: "Looks like rain dear."

"It’s going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
 

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Posted (edited)
40 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Alright, no need to lash out just because it was a bit high brow.  Next time I'll make the joke cornea, or maybe you appreciate more vitreous humour?

If I was not bedazzled  by your response I would guide you and I on a trip up a blind alley.

 

PS;  What's with the lash?  Are you an ex one eyed pirate?

Edited by fangless
PS; added as usual!!
  • Like 2
Posted
1 hour ago, fangless said:

If I was not bedazzled  by your response I would guide you and I on a trip up a blind alley.

 

PS;  What's with the lash?  Are you an ex one eyed pirate?

No, I'm one ex-eyed pirate, with an ex parrot.

 

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Posted
1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

No, I'm one ex-eyed pirate, with an ex parrot.

Shiver me timbers said the shaken dead parrot.

As an uneducated exparrotate I can't see how to get reparrotated with no sightseeing flights back home in sight!

 

PS;  Sorry its the worst I could doo under the circumstances and I promise to turn a blind eye to your next blinking response!

 

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