Popular Post ravip Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 4 hours ago, ballpoint said: I need to socket to you as I didn't see that coming. Eye will need to look out for your next spectacle! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Even in these COVID days straight bars don’t need these signs unless it is really busy! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those Symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols". Edited December 22, 2020 by fangless 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 What do you call a bankrupt Santa? Saint Nickel-less! Where do elves go to dance? Christmas Balls! What do elves eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes! What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling? An elfcicle! Who is Santa Claus married to? Mary Christmas! How long do a reindeers legs have to be? Long enough so they can touch the ground! What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments! Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles! Who is the Music Elf's favourite reindeer? Dancer! Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most? Rude-olph! What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose? Frosty the snowman with a hot flush! Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught! Why did the Rudolph cross the road? Because he was tied to the chicken! What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears? Anything you want, he can't hear you! 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 A boss called one of his workers into the office. “Now listen, Simms, you’re going to have to pull your socks up or I’ll have to sack you. For the past few weeks you’ve been constantly late, you’ve made silly mistakes and you’ve not been civil to your fellow workers. What do you have to say for yourself?” “I’m sorry, Sir. Things aren’t right between me and the wife and I’m sick with worry.” Now the boss was a kindly man, so he gave him some advice. “Now Simms, you’ve got to show them that you don’t take them for granted. Why! Look at me. When I get home I give my wife a long, lingering kiss, give her a present and then make mad passionate love. I’ll give you the afternoon off, so why don’t you do the same thing?” “I don’t know what to say,” gasped Simms. “Thank you very much…by the way, what’s your address?” 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 A simple-minded man was sitting opposite a priest on the train. “Excuse me, why do you wear your collar back to front?” asked the man. “It’s because I’m a Father,” replied the priest. “But I’m a father too,” said the man, “and I don’t wear my collar back to front.” “Aah, but the difference is, I’m a father to thousands.” “Well, in that case,” retorted the man, “it’s not your collar, it’s your trousers you should wear back to front.” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 As a young man, Johnny set his heart on a very special girl – a dream lover. But brewery heiresses who look like Marilyn Monroe, support Stoke City and drink pints, are very few and hard to find. Eventually, he took second best and married Marjorie, a 15-stone pub cleaner. Their wedding had a Wild West theme – well, her Dad brought a shotgun with him. A blissful marriage, they still have special pet names for each other. She calls him the Lone Ranger because he’s always looking in her purse for silver, and he calls her Bubbles because her mouth’s always covered in froth. She took him up to her bedroom and while he waited for her to slip into something more comfortable he noticed her room was piled high with all sorts of cuddly toys. But that was soon forgotten once they got down to it and made love. After it was over he turned to her and said smugly, “How was it for you?” “Not bad, I suppose,” she replied, “you can pick anything from the bottom shelf.” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluesofa Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 6 minutes ago, fangless said: What do you call a bankrupt Santa? Saint Nickel-less! Where do elves go to dance? Christmas Balls! What do elves eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes! What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling? An elfcicle! Who is Santa Claus married to? Mary Christmas! How long do a reindeers legs have to be? Long enough so they can touch the ground! What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments! Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles! Who is the Music Elf's favourite reindeer? Dancer! Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most? Rude-olph! What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose? Frosty the snowman with a hot flush! Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught! Why did the Rudolph cross the road? Because he was tied to the chicken! What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears? Anything you want, he can't hear you! Santa's wife looking out of the window at the weather: "Looks like rain dear." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken! What happened to the turkey at Christmas? It got gobbled! Why do ghosts live in the fridge? Because it's cool! What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple? A pineapple! What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonky donkey! What is the most competitive season? Win-ter! Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa! Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing! Santa went to the Doctors with a problem. Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom! Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that! Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year due to COVID? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time? One day my prints will come What’s a dog’s favourite carol? Bark, the herald angels sing What does Miley Cyrus have for her Christmas dinner? Twerky What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack What do you give a dog for Christmas? A mobile bone What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh? Father Christmas in a revolving door What do Santa's little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet! What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no body to go with Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 36 minutes ago, bluesofa said: Santa's wife looking out of the window at the weather: "Looks like rain dear." "It’s going to rain." His wife asked, "How do you know?" "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes? A real Christmas Card! What do cannibal tax advisors do after their office Christmas Dinner? A: Toast their clients. Little Johnny: „Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?" Mother: No, you'll be getting turkey, like every previous year!" Q: What did the Liverpudlian kid across the road get for Christmas? A: My bike. How are Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree similar? Both their balls are for decoration only. Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep losing their needles! What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?? Jingle Smells! What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post ballpoint Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 2 hours ago, fangless said: I need to socket to you as I didn't see that coming. Eye will need to look out for your next spectacle! Alright, no need to lash out just because it was a bit high brow. Next time I'll make the joke cornea, or maybe you appreciate more vitreous humour? 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, ballpoint said: Alright, no need to lash out just because it was a bit high brow. Next time I'll make the joke cornea, or maybe you appreciate more vitreous humour? If I was not bedazzled by your response I would guide you and I on a trip up a blind alley. PS; What's with the lash? Are you an ex one eyed pirate? Edited December 22, 2020 by fangless PS; added as usual!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ballpoint Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 1 hour ago, fangless said: If I was not bedazzled by your response I would guide you and I on a trip up a blind alley. PS; What's with the lash? Are you an ex one eyed pirate? No, I'm one ex-eyed pirate, with an ex parrot. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jvs Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 Do you believe in Santa and why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 1 hour ago, ballpoint said: No, I'm one ex-eyed pirate, with an ex parrot. Shiver me timbers said the shaken dead parrot. As an uneducated exparrotate I can't see how to get reparrotated with no sightseeing flights back home in sight! PS; Sorry its the worst I could doo under the circumstances and I promise to turn a blind eye to your next blinking response! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post farang51 Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 2 hours ago, fangless said: Shiver me timbers said the shaken dead parrot. It's not dead, it's resting ... 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post roo860 Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 On 12/21/2020 at 1:08 AM, WorriedNoodle said: 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post roo860 Posted December 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 22, 2020 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roo860 Posted December 22, 2020 Share Posted December 22, 2020 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VocalNeal Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 12 hours ago, ballpoint said: No, I'm one ex-eyed pirate, with an ex parrot. Not a patch on me? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fangless Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 25 minutes ago, VocalNeal said: Not a patch on me? I see your hooked ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted December 23, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 23, 2020 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WorriedNoodle Posted December 23, 2020 Share Posted December 23, 2020 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post WorriedNoodle Posted December 23, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted December 23, 2020 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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