Worst Joke Ever 2024

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[sanuk711]

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[sanuk711]

Christmas in a parallel universe.

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[roo860]

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[VocalNeal]

Worried about my phone. I think it has been hacked by evil spirits. 

When riding/driving it keeps saying "Fred West, then Fred West".

Edited December 30, 2020 by VocalNeal

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[roo860]

[fangless]

Jane asks Mark: “What do you call a deer with no eyes?”

Mark shrugs and says, “No-eye deer.”

 

What type of shoes do bears wear?

None. They go bear foot.

 

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

 

What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a parrot?

I don’t know, but when it talks, you’d better listen!

 

Why was the cat so small?

Because it drank only condensed milk!
 

[fangless]

One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to heaven.

There he met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the cat, “You have lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thought for a moment and said, “All my life I have lived with a poor family and have had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

“Say no more,” Saint Peter replied, and poof! A wonderful, fluffy pillow appeared.

 

A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident and went to heaven. Again there was Saint Peter to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?” Instantly each mouse was fitted with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

 

About a week later, Saint Peter stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. He gently woke the cat and asked, “How are things for you since coming to heaven?”

 

The cat stretched, yawned, and replied, “It’s wonderful here—even better than I could have expected.

 

"Especially those meals-on-wheels you’ve been sending by—those are the best!”

[fangless]

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo, and he figures he’ll try to earn some money performing. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

 

The next morning the mime puts on a gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd arrives. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play, and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored with swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a divider, and dangles from the top of the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

 

This goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and the mime’s salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day while he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling “Help me! Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces.

 

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back, looking up at the angry lion, who growls,

 

“Shut up, you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

[fangless]

Quintus was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o’clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win.

 

Silly man! Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

 

 

 

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by fangless
the 5 button stuck

[fangless]

There were these two buddies out walking their dogs, one with a Doberman pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua, when they smelled something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The buddy with the Doberman says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks into the restaurant, when the restaurant owner comes up and says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The man with the Doberman replies, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”

The owner, sceptical, says, “A Doberman pinscher?”

The Doberman’s master says, “Yes, they’re using them now—they’re very good and they protect me from robbers, too.” The owner says, “Come on in.”

When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the restaurant owner says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”

A Chihuahua?” says the owner.

The man with the dog replies,

 

 

“A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!” The little Bastards!
 

[fangless]

What do you call an overweight cat?

A flabby tabby.

 

Why was the rabbit so unhappy?

She was having a bad hare day.

 

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

[roo860]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

On 12/29/2020 at 3:26 PM, fangless said:

My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

Bet you can't keep it up all year.

[roo860]

????????????

[ballpoint]

I got in touch with my inner self this morning.

That's what you get for buying cheap toilet paper.

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