Worst Joke Ever 2024

[sanuk711]

.

[sanuk711]

[Andrew Dwyer]

1 hour ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

Or you just do a Norman !!

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Meanwhile, in Yorkshire !!

 

[ravip]

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time...

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes." Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discoloured pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied. "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from here eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"

[ravip]

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways...
He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Well, I'd run down to the tracks and activate the manual lever," said Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Tom, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if the public phone was on fire?"

"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Is he in the fire department?"

"No. He's never seen a train crash."

[ravip]

A Japanese business man living in NYC goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....
He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of USD to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he’s leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: ‘fluc you Americans too!!!’

[bluesofa]

11 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Or you just do a Norman !!

 

 

I thought meant the other Norman:

 

[ravip]

What Gender is Computer?

Pencil is masculine "le crayon". A student asked, "What gender is computer?

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups- male and female- and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

 

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be the feminine gender (la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should definitely be masculine (le computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

The women won.

[ballpoint]

I started reading a book called The Broken Needle, but never finished it.

It was pointless.

[ballpoint]

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers:

 

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode..
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

 

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[ballpoint]

I did a good deed today.  At the local Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to 875 Baht but when she counted out all of her change she only had just under 300 Baht.  I thought she was probably someone’s Nan, and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out when she was alive.  She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all her shopping right back on the shelves.

 

 

Edited February 11, 2021 by ballpoint

[ballpoint]

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

An attractive blonde lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over six hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap surgical wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible injury and painstaking surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men breathed a sigh of relief and the whole congregation applauded..

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[ballpoint]

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks, still wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, Bristol 138s, Aircobras, the Albamarle bomber and the Argosy Transport . I've taught more than 200 people to fly and taken part in Air Shows all over the place, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, my dear, what are you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: ' Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[ballpoint]

[sanuk711]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

A pompous upper class prat went duck hunting but no matter how hard he tried, it was more than 6 hours before he managed to shoot one down. Delighted at his sudden luck, he searched for the fallen duck and found it in a nearby field. As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared and said aggressively “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” 
“I’m getting my duck,” he replied. 

“Oh no you ain’t. This here’s my property so it’s mine.” 
“But I’ve spent all day trying to get a duck and you’re not taking it away from me” he spluttered. 
And so they argued on, until the farmer came up with a solution:
“Look here, there’s one way we could settle this argument.  We’ll take it in turns to kick each other in the balls and the last man on his feet gets the duck.” 

The hunter agreed, and the farmer went first because, as he said, it was his idea. Wearing steel capped, hob nailed boots he aimed carefully at the hunter and gave an almighty kick. 
His poor victim turned a sickly white, his eyes disappeared and he gave out the most agonising cry. It took at least 5 minutes for him to come to his senses but he bravely stayed on his feet. 
“Right” he gasped “Now it’s my turn.” 

The farmer replied,  “Don’t bother, you can have the duck.” 

[fangless]

An old vicar was retiring and selling his horse so he put an ad in the local newspaper. It wasn’t long before it was bought by Bob who decided to ride it home. But when he mounted up, the horse wouldn’t move. 
“I trained this horse from a little foal,” said the vicar. 
“He only moves when you say ‘Jesus Christ’ and stops when you say ‘Amen’.” 
Bob thanked the vicar and sure enough when he said ‘Jesus Christ’, the horse set off. 

On the way home they were caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and the horse bolted when there was a particularly loud crack of thunder. By the time Bob had recovered his wits, the horse was galloping madly through the countryside and it took him a moment or two to remember to say ‘Amen’. Immediately the horse came to a standstill, teetering right on the edge of a deep canyon. 

“Jesus Christ!” he said in relief. 
 

[fangless]

Did you hear about the man who had “I love you” tattooed on his member? 
That night in bed, he turned to his wife and said, “What do you think of this, Sal?” 
“There you go again,” she exclaimed, “always trying to put words in my mouth.” 
 

[fangless]

The starry-eyed young man was boring his friend to death by continually going on about his beautiful young fiancée. 
Eventually, the friend could take it no more and blurted out, 
“I can’t believe you really want to marry her, you must know she’s been seduced by every man in town.” 
The young man thought hard for a moment or two and then replied defensively, “Okay, but this isn’t really such a big town.” 

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[vogie]

This is not a joke, but I find it extremely funny.

 

[tifino]

2 minutes ago, vogie said:

This is not a joke, but I find it extremely funny.

 

almost worthy of being repeated in one of those russian 'what will we do to our Lada today?' video channels ???? 

[vogie]

Just now, tifino said:

almost worthy of being repeated in one of those russian 'what will we do to our Lada today?' video channels ???? 

Somebody forgot to do his fire extinguisher refresher course.????

[tifino]

Just now, vogie said:

Somebody forgot to do his fire extinguisher refresher course.????

... was probably taking a powder when the lessons were being handed out...

[fangless]

Well that is what he/she whispered in her/his ear that night!

Edited February 11, 2021 by fangless