Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Crossy]

On 7/5/2019 at 8:47 AM, Andrew Dwyer said:

I’ve often wondered about that !!

 

Then there was the Irish milkmaid.

 

She thought the cow with only one teat put up a bit of a fight!

 

[chickenslegs]

A lorry carrying onions has overturned on the M62.
Police are urging motorists to find a hard shoulder to cry on

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

Just Some of the Reasons Why Men Are Happier Than Women

1.Wedding plans take care of themselves.

2.Wedding dress - $5000;
tux rental - $100.

3.We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

4.We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

5.Car mechanics tell us the truth.

6.We can open all our own jars.

7.One mood, ALL the time.

8.The world is our urinal.

9.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

10.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

11.We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

12.If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

13.The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

14.We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

Text exchange between jealous husband and wife:

 

where r u?

at the dentist.

really? send me a pic!

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[billd766]

21 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Are you sure it didn't wipe your memory?

????

Well my memory banks got refreshed most days.

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, billd766 said:

Well my memory banks got refreshed most days.

I am brainless - no s**t!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

For a man who spent so much of his youth on the nest, having to build one came as a bit of a shock.  
Mind you, decorating wasn't his forte, he thought D.I.Y. stood for "Drink It Yourself".

He was a poor handyman, he got the putty mixed up with the vaseline and his windows fell out. 
After only six months, Johnny and Marjorie's bedroom fluttered and echoed to the delightful patter of tiny feet. Well, he had to have somewhere to keep the pigeons after the loft blew down!

Johnny was eventually arrested for being a Peeping Tom, after misunderstanding the meaning of Neighbourhood Watch. 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

"Doctor, doctor," said the frustrated woman. "How can I improve my husband's performance in bed?" 
"Well, first of all, you must tell him what you want," 
suggested the doctor. 
So in bed that night, the wife turned towards her husband and whispered, "Darling, caress my breasts and tell me how much you love me." 
So the husband did as she asked. 
Then, she whispered again, "Lower." 

So in a very deep voice he said, "I love you." 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two astronauts successfully landed on the moon and transmitted their thoughts and feelings back to mission control. They described the moon's surface, the temperature, the atmosphere and their own feelings of elation at being there. Just as transmission was going off, one of the astronauts was heard to say, "Good luck Mr Collins". 
When the men eventually returned to earth there was a lot of media attention but when it came to the meaning of "Good luck Mr Collins", the astronaut refused to explain. 
Twenty-five years later, on the anniversary of the moon landing, once again the two astronauts become the centre of attention. It was then, on a late night television programme that the meaning of "Good luck Mr Collins" was finally revealed. 
"When I was a young boy, our family lived next door to Mr and Mrs Collins," he began, "and one day when I was playing in the garden I heard voices coming from their open bedroom window. I heard Mrs Collins yelling at her husband, 'Oral sex, that's what you want, is it ... oral sex?

 

Let me tell you, when the boy next door lands on the moon, then you'll get oral sex!' " 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Watching his wife put her bra on, the man sneered,

"I don't know why you bother, it's not as if you've got anything to put in it." 
"B*gger off," she replied.

"I don't complain when I'm ironing your underpants." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Run !!!

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Run !!!

 

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Run !!!

How, I've never been allowed out on my since marriage! (shackeldom)

[Andrew Dwyer]

Common mistake !!

 

My ex wife once asked me to bring a couple of rumps home for dinner.

 

I was in the dog house for a long time over that !!

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Move along , nothing to see here folks .

Just a monkey messing with his pecker !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Beachcomber]

????

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.

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Q: If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"? A: The swallow 

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Against all odds a man had a boy who had no body, just a head. So on his 21st birthday he told his son, "son we are going out for your first beer today." They arrive at the bar and the dad orders two beers and they proceed to drink. POOF. The boy has a neck and torso pop out. 
"Dad! I have a body!" The dad starts crying "Don't stop son, have another!" Poof he has arms appear.
"Dad I have arms!" The dad sobs harder "Thank you God!"
Poof he has legs appear next. "Look dad Im a whole man now! and I can finally do this!" He gives his dad a hug and then runs around the bar jumping and hooting for joy. 
"I'm going to tell the world dad what beer does for you."
He runs out of the bar and is immediately ran over by truck. The dad is standing there with his mouth hanging open and the bartender puts a hand on his shoulder sighs and tells him, "I guess he should have stopped while he was a head."
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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... 
But that's not the worst of it. 
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. 
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. 
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. 
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. 
But here's the worst of it.
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, 
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
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Two flies were on the same piece of shit. One of them cuts a fart, the other one says "hey! I'm eating!"
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An Irishman walks into a chemist's shop and asks for a packet of contraceptives "that'll be £5.00 with the tax" the Irishman says "<deleted> the tacks, I'll tie them on"
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Guy goes to the sperm bank for the first time.
Nurse says "Can you wank in the cup?"
Guy replies "I'm really good, but I don't think I'm ready for competition yet"
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they decide that each of them will go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. 

Later they get together. The priest begins: “I found a bear sitting by a tree. I blessed him and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” 

The minister says, “I found a bear by a stream and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” 

They both look at the rabbi, who is all scratched up and with his clothes torn to shreds. The rabbi looks at them and says, “Maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
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Two fish were in a tank. And one said to the other,do you know how to drive this thing?
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."
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if you smoke after sex you're doing it way too fast.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
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[Andrew Dwyer]

Why does this never happen to me ??



A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him,

"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

[ballpoint]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"

[scottiejohn]

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Why does this never happen to me ??

Maybe you haven't left home yet!

PS;  Why do you want premature ejaculation to happen to you?

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"

I think you got the Scotsman and the Irishman mixed up.  Also the Scotsman would either have eaten the fly and claimed he'd had one of his five a day or more likely he would have made the fly cough up, drink most of the beer and drop the fly back into the near empty glass and claim a fresh free pint and sue the owner for distress etc.

I know, I have been that Scotsman.

PS; How was copper wire invented, two Scotsmen arguing over a farthing!

Edited July 10, 2019 by scottiejohn
PS added