the wife keeps making these bird impressions!

 

 

 

 

 - like now, she is watching me like a hawk...

Farmer Brown is inspecting his farm buildings one day when, through a gap in the door of a barn, he sees Jimmy, one of the farm workers doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

As he watches, Jimmy performs a slow gyration, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and lays down, writhing, on a pile of straw.

Farmer Brown rushes into the barn and exclaims, "What the world are you doing, Jimmy?"

Jimmy, obviously embarrassed, says "Me and the wife been having trouble lately 'in the bedroom department'" ...

 

"The therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I thought Baskin Robins were just a Christmas tweet - sorry I meant Christmas treat, but then I'm not a breast of these new trends

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?          A tire.

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup.        It was Won Ton.
 

Did you hear about the kidnaping at school?    It's okay. He woke up.

 

Jokes about unemployed people are not funny.     They just don't work.

I HOPE THIS SHARPENS YOU UP AND YOU GET THE POINT!

Edited January 21, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

A few years ago I was driving along the road minding my own business when I saw the flash of what appeared to  be a traffic camera in my rear view mirror. I assumed that my picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though I was pretty sure that I was not speeding.

 

Just to be sure, I went around again and passed the same spot, driving definitely below the advertised speed limit but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the camera once more, but the camera again flashed.

 

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while i rolled past at a snail's pace.

 

 

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt and no valid road tax!!

Edited January 21, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

I don’t understand women.

It was our 25th wedding anniversary and I said to the missus “How would you like to go out for something to eat?”

She replied, enthusiastically “Oh yes, that would be nice”.

“OK” said I, “Here’s a twenty. Get me a prawn fried rice, chips, and curry sauce. Get yourself something with the change”.

Didn’t speak to me for days. You would think she’d be grateful for a free take-away.

Definition of revenge, a bar- steward in a condom factory with a pin.

 

Definition of luxury, a fur-lined condom with a zip.

 

Definition of a male chauvinist, making her sleep in the wet patch. 

6 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Looking at the two sheep staring at him maybe he is just a sh*gged out sheep sh*gger.!

What do you call the crunchy and soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.
 

I have clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

 

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

 

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are a bit sketchy.

 

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now

Edited January 23, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

I went to a popular restaurant the other day and after seeing every table being occupied by couples I thought I would have to either wait a while or go elsewhere.  It was then that I had one of my inspirations; 

I took out my phone and said in a very loud phone call type voice, "Hello! Yes this is Richard from the Detective agency; you were right in your suspicions, he is here as you suspected and is with another woman, just come along now and see for yourself.”

 

Eight men got up hurriedly and fled, followed immediately by the eight women, so I was able to get a table quite easily after all.

 

I got a phone call from the local hospital:

Doctor: "Your wife's mother has been in an accident and she's in hospital."

Me: "How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."

Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

Two retired gentlemen met up in their club for drinks. The first said, "How's that son of yours getting on, Bernard?" 
"Oh, very well, thank you. This year his company made record profits so now he's bought himself a country estate. In fact, he's given away his flat in Mayfair to one of his friends. What about your son?" asked the second man. 
"I'm pleased to say, he's also doing well. He's just finished another very successful film and with the proceeds, he's given away his 2-seater plane and bought himself a company jet." 
As the two men sat there, contemplating their off-springs' good fortune, another man joined them. 
"Good evening, Bernard, hello, Geoffrey, may I join you?" 
"Certainly," they replied, "we were just catching up on news of our sons. How's yours doing, by the way?" 
"Well, mixed fortunes really," he said. "Last week he confessed to my wife and I that he was gay. But it's not all bad news. He's made some lovely friends.

 

One's given him a flat in Mayfair and the other's presented him with a 2-seater plane." 

All night long, the man had been bragging to his new date about his many talents, but when he said cheekily, "You know, it's a well-known fact that men with big dicks have small mouths", she finally exploded. 
"So that explains it," she quickly replied, "because I could park a 10-ton truck in yours." 

Of the seven grammar is the most important.