A young stockbroker living in London bought himself the fastest car he could find, but soon got frustrated crawling through the traffic in it.  A friend of his advised him to take it to Ireland, guaranteeing that there are endless country roads with little traffic, and no speed cameras.   The young man put his car on the Ireland ferry, drove out of Dublin, and, as the houses disappeared, down went the foot on the accelerator.  The needle on the speedometer jerked clockwise: 120 mph, 130, 140...  and then, as suddenly if they had appeared from nowhere, he saw a man and a donkey crossing the road in front of him: so unused to traffic that they hadn't bothered to look out for it.  He swerved the car to the right, missing them both, but he couldn't stop in time and crashed the car through a fence, hitting an old tree in the nearby field. 

 

And the old man said to the donkey: `Sure, an' we just got out of dat field in time, didn't we!'
 

Supposedly true and actual newspaper headlines (with my comments in brackets!!)
-------------------------

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming. (some confession!!)

 

Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial (so they can grill him?)

 

Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears (bear with me on this one!!)

 

Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence. (there was a pause before he was sentenced!!)

 

Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy (Come again!!)

 

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing. (Jury turedn a blind eye?)
 
British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Closed. (we will cross over that one when we get to it!)

 

Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats (who has the balls?)

 

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based (or a more titillating comment!)

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperature movements. (don't drop anything!)

 

Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives  (ouch!)

Edited February 3, 20197 yr by scottiejohn
BUI

A blonde girl is crossing some ice when she gets hungry, so starts hacking a hole in it in the hope of catching a fish.  A deep, majestic voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"  She thinks this is strange, but continues to hack away, and the same voice booms out again, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"  Now she starts to get concerned.  "Is that you, God?", she asks, trembling.  "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER.  STOP HACKING AT MY ICE!"

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa. 
"That's it, I've had enough," said the man, "from now on, you'll be covered up early in the evening so you can't see what's going on. Otherwise, it's the zoo for you." 
A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week's holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing. 
 

"I've got an idea," said the man. "I'll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what's happening." But the case wouldn't close. 
"This is no good," remarked the wife. 
"Here, let me have a go, I'll get on top and we'll see if it's any better." 
Still they couldn't get the case to close, so the man said, 
"Let's both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that'll work." 
Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked, 

 

"I'll take my chances at the zoo, but this I've just got to see?" 

Bob's flat mate walked in to find his friend sitting on the sofa, both hands bandaged and a look of great distress on his face. "Bob, what's happened?" he gasped. "You look awful and you haven't been back all night." 
"Oh Don, it's been a bloody nightmare," moaned Bob. "I've got to be the unluckiest bugger in the world. Last night, I went down the King's Arms and met this fabulous bird. and it wasn't long before we were back at her place doing the business even though I had a lot to drink and didn't really know where I was. All of a sudden, we heard a noise and she whispered frantically, "Quick, go out the window, it's my husband." 
"I was straight out of bed and just managed to get through the window, hanging on the ledge by my fingertips, when he barged through the door. He crushed  my fingers with a hammer and then closed the window on them. And if that wasn't enough, a passer-by reported me to the police for hanging there stark naked. Last night, I spent the time in police cells. You see how unlucky I was." 
"Get away, Bob, it could happen to anyone," said Don, trying to console his distressed friend. 

 

"But you don't understand, when the cops arrested me, I discovered it was a ground floor flat and I was only 2 inches from the ground. 

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan."

10 hours ago, fasteddie said:

I liked it but I think a better punchline would have been......(just realised you have got it already!)

Edited February 5, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. 
One turns to the other and says, "Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it." 
"That's because I've been circumcised," he replies. 
"Cor! What does that mean?"  "It means the skin's been cut off the end." 
"How old were you when they did that?" 
"About two days old." 
"Did it hurt?" 

"It sure did. I didn't walk for a year." 
 

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede scored so many goals that the little animals won the game.

When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”

 

He replied “tying my boot laces!”.

On getting older ...

 

Imagine how rich you would've had to be 100 years ago to have music playing in the background while you cook dinner.

 

When we're young, we sneak out of our houses to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home.

 

A really successful marriage ends with watching the other person die.

 

There is probably a tree somewhere out there now that is growing the wood for your coffin.

 

As I get older I take a 30 minutes each day to reflect upon my life. First, I consider what I have achieved in my lifetime. Then I spend the remaining 29 minutes clipping my nose and ear hairs.