A vicious burglar breaks into a house late at night, orders the couple out of bed and ties them up. Now the husband is a big sissy, afraid of his own shadow, so he whispers to his wife, "Darling, do whatever he says. If he wants sex with you,  then let him have it, otherwise he might hurt us." 
"Whatever you say," replies his wife.

 

"By the way, he told me he thought you had a nice, tight little bum." 

A man, his wife and daughter are arguing about who should pop down the shops for a pint of milk. "I'll tell you what," 
says the man finally. "Whoever speaks first has to go and get the milk." The others agree and silence ensues. 
Ten minutes later, the girl's boyfriend walks in. "Hello everyone," he says, but there is no response. "How about a cup of tea?" Still no one speaks, so he goes over to his girlfriend, gives her a lip smacking kiss and leads her out of the door and up the stairs. Half an hour later he returns looking a little flushed but still no one speaks. He decides to have a bit of fun so he goes up to the wife and gives her a kiss. He can't believe she doesn't say anything, so he takes this as a "yes" and takes her upstairs as well. Twenty minutes later he returns feeling quite knackered. As he passes the mirror he catches sight of his bedraggled appearance and his hair which is now sticking up in the air. Needing to tidy up, he asks, "Anyone got any Vaseline?" 
At that, the man jumps up from his chair and rushes to the door. "You're right," he says, "a cup of tea would be nice, I'll just pop out for the milk." 

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.

"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.

"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No, it's too hot there."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it."

Things have not been great in the 'bedroom' department recently.

 

My wife suggested I get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action.

 

I brought home diet pills.

 

Apparently that was very much not what she meant.

Rottweilers are great companion dogs.

 

I bought a one for my mother-in-law.

 

Despite the fearsome expression, huge teeth, constant growling and terrible breath, he’s very fond of her.

6 hours ago, fasteddie said:

The top ones are mates, the bottom one's pretend to be friends!

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents’ room, so he went to investigate. He was shocked to see what his mum and dad were up to.
“Daddy, what are you doing?” he screamed.
“It’s OK,” said the father. “It’s just that your mother wants another baby.”
Excited at the prospect of a baby brother, the kid went back to bed, but a few minutes later he heard strange slurping noises and rushed back to his parents’ bedroom, only to find his mum giving her husband a blowjob.
“Daddy,” screamed the kid, “what are you two doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” said his dad. “Your mum did want another baby, but now she wants a BMW instead!”

A new army recruit was sent to his first overseas posting and the base commander greeted him. “I think you’ll like it here, we keep ourselves well entertained,” said the commander. “On Monday nights we have poker.”
“Oh, I don’t gamble, sir,” the recruit told him.
“That’s alright,” said the commander. “On Tuesday we have drinks, and on Wednesday the local slappers come and pleasure us in every way imaginable.”
“But I don’t drink and I choose not to associate with loose women,” protested the recruit.
“What are you – gay?” bellowed the commander.
“Certainly not!” answered the recruit.
“You’re really going to hate Thursdays and Fridays, then."

A Biker walked into a chemist shop in Worcester , and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And £3,000 a month in living expenses."

"You are up before this court for the hideous crime of making love to your wife after she had died. Do you have anything to say in your defence?" 
"Yes, your honour. I didn't know she was dead, she'd been like that during sex for years." 

   
 

A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend. 
"Let's just say my legs are my best friends," she replied mysteriously. 
"Oh come on," said her mate. "What does that mean?" 
"It means he came on too strong so I walked home." 
A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl's mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night. 
"Pretty much as before," she replied. "My legs are my best friends." 
Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy. 
"You're looking well," commented her mate. "Something's doing you good." 

"Oh yes," replied the girl. "I've met this wonderful bloke and let's just say even the best of friends must part." 

On 1/10/2019 at 10:28 PM, chickenslegs said:

Some useful French/English translations ...

 

Coup de grace - A lawn mower.

La deviation pour chauffeur de camion - My driver likes camels.

 

Moi aussi - I am an Australian.

Pas de deux? - Father of twins?

Mange tout - You're pretty mangy yourself.

 

Pain prune - I cut myself with the secateurs.

Chaussee deformer? - Are you a contortionist?

 

Parke le char - My tea is cold.

Suivez la piste  - Never mind, follow that drunk!

 

Aperatif...a set of dentures

A nine-year-old kid noticed that every Tuesday morning a strange man visited his mother, so he hid in the bedroom closet to spy. After an hour of watching them have sex he heard his dad arrive home unexpectedly.
The man jumped in the closet with him. “It’s dark in here, eh?” the kid said.
“Yeah,” whispered the man.
“Would you like to buy my skateboard?” asked the kid.
“No,” said the man.
“My dad’s outside,” said the kid. “I reckon $1000 is a fair price.” 
“Alright then,” said the man.
The next day the kid’s dad asked him why he wasn’t out skateboarding.
“I sold my skateboard to this guy for $1000,” the kid replied.
“It’s terrible to rip someone off like that,” his dad said. “I’m taking you straight to church so you can confess.”
As soon as they arrived the kid was pushed into the confessional booth by his father.
“Dark in here, eh?” he said to the priest.
“Bloody hell,” said the priest, “not you again.” 

19 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

There are really only four types of bras, and they’re all based on different religions.  The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills. 

Jimbo walked into the fortune teller’s booth and punched him hard in the face.
“What the hell did ya do that for?” the psychic said.
“I just needed to know if you really could see the future,” Jimbo replied. 

Two blondes were gazing at the moon in a park one night when one said to the other, “Which do ya reckon is farther away – France or the moon?”
“Hellooooooo!” the other blonde sighed. “France is so far away we can’t even see it!”

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

There are really only four types of bras, and they’re all based on different religions.

What about Buddhist bras, are they filled with Karma?

And what about the Scottish Wee Free Kirk members, do they just wither in the wind with too many restrictions and I suppose the Atheist just let it all hang out as they have no belief's to support!

Edited February 10, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

14 hours ago, emptypockets said:

Aperatif...a set of dentures

That is the Scottish/English translation, AKA a pair o china walies.

Edited February 10, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

5 hours ago, vogie said:

My God I must be dying, I can't see any numb...……...rs!

I may not hear too well but I clicked last night after the test!