Son: “Mum, I was coming home on the bus with Dad and he told me to give up my seat for a lady”.

 

Mother: “Well that’s a nice and polite thing to do”.

 

Son: “Yes, but I was sitting on Dad’s lap at the time”.

Newlyweds on honeymoon about to spend their first night together:

The groom removes his socks ....

Bride: "Oh my God, what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look deformed."

Groom: "I had TOLIO as child".

Bride: "You mean polio?"

Groom: "No TOLIO, the disease only affected my toes".

Groom removes his trousers ....

Bride: "What's wrong with your knees, they're lumpy and swollen?

Groom: "I had KNEASLES".

Bride: "You mean measles?"

Groom: "No KNEASLES, an illness that only affected my knees".

Groom removes his boxers....

Bride: "Dont tell me - SMALLCOX?"

 

 

 

Edited February 11, 20197 yr by chickenslegs

Mick and Paddy went to the pet shop, bought two budgies, then drove to the top of Mountain Road. 
Paddy looked down at the 500m drop and said, “This looks like a grand place.” Then he put a budgie on each shoulder, leapt into the abyss, and fell to his death on the rocks below.
Looking down at the remains of his best mate, Mick shook his head and said, “Bugger that! This budgie jumping is too bloody dangerous for me!”

An elderly man went into the confession box and said to the priest, “Father I’m 80 years old, married, with four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had a wild threesome with two hot 18-year-olds.”
“My son, when was the last time you were in confession?” asked the priest.
“Never, father, I’m Jewish,” came the reply.
“Why are you telling me, then?” asked the priest.
“I’m telling everybody!” said the old bloke.

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Mick and Paddy went to the pet shop, bought two budgies, then drove to the top of Mountain Road. 
Paddy looked down at the 500m drop and said, “This looks like a grand place.” Then he put a budgie on each shoulder, leapt into the abyss, and fell to his death on the rocks below.
Looking down at the remains of his best mate, Mick shook his head and said, “Bugger that! This budgie jumping is too bloody dangerous for me!”

Just wait for him to try hen-gliding and parrot-shooting ????

 

The oldies are the goodies.

 

Bill Gates on his wedding night with his shiny new wife.

 

Her first comment "Now I know why you called your company MicroSoft".

 

Fetching my coat.

A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her pussy on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.

 

After an hour in bed with her he said, "how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?".

Same as last year, same as next year !!

For Valentine’s Day I splashed out and bought my wife a new bag.

 

Then, on the way out of the shop, I saw a new belt that would go with the bag.

 

I think she will be pleased - the vacuum cleaner should work much better now.

Q: What is a Kiwi's favourite Sinatra song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer and some peanuts.

 

"What do I owe you?" asks the neutron.

 

"For you - no charge".

Fred and Jim were in the middle of a game of golf when Fred pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter to spark up a cigarette.
“Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?” asked Jim.
“Oh, I’ve got this old genie in my golf bag,” said Fred. “If you want, I’ll get him out and he’ll grant you a wish – but only one, so make sure you get it right.”
A wizened genie appeared and Fred said, “I want a million bucks!”
The genie nodded, disappeared and the sky immediately darkened. Looking up, Jim saw an enormous flock of ducks blotting out the sky.
Pissed off, he turned to Fred and said, “I said a million BUCKS, not a million ducks!”
“Hey, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?” Fred replied. 

A bloke goes for a job interview at the local council.  When called in he limps across the office and sits down with a large "clunk".  The interviewer looks up from the CV on his desk;
"Ah, Mr Smith.  It says here that you served in Iraq".
"That's correct, I was in the army."
"Well, this council practices positive discrimination in favour of those who served their country.  Well done.  I couldn't help noticing you have a limp, did you get that in Iraq?"
"Yes, I was badly wounded there, which is why I had to leave the army"
"I'm sorry to hear that, but being wounded in the service of your country does mean that I can offer you the job right away.  What exactly is the nature of the wound, if you don't mind me asking?"
"It's rather embarrassing, both my buttocks were blown off by a roadside bomb and I now have two steel plates in their place".
"Oh dear, well you can start Monday.  The hours are from 9 to 5, but, in light of your condition, you can come in after lunch each day".
"Oh no, I don't want any special favours due to my disability!"
"It's not that.  You see, here at the council everyone just stands around scratching their ar5es every morning, so there's not much point in you coming along."

Edited February 13, 20197 yr by ballpoint

The police in Oxford, England stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m on my way to a 2-hour lecture on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, "who would hold a lecture like that at this hour?!”

The man sighs, “My wife.”

An early version of the Egyptian Visa forum:

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.