I’m sure that the gambling addiction helpline would get a lot more calls if every 10th caller won a prize or something.

“Your driving is awful,” I said to my wife this morning
“It would help if you told me where I should be going!” She yelled, “Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???”
“Do a left,” I replied calmly, “Then do a right between the swings and slide.”

My yoga instructor was drunk last night.
That put me in an awkward position.

My mate says he'll never visit Yorkshire again. He went into a supermarket and asked where he could find towels...

they sent him to a ruddy bird sanctuary!

I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"
He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell".

I remember seeing a safety information broadcast that advised people not to turn on the lights if they suspected a gas leak.
That's why I always keep some candles handy in case of such an emergency.
 

After my wife died I couldn’t look at another woman for 20 years.

But now I’m out of jail I can honestly say it was worth it...