2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Maybe one of their parents was a Fryer!

Tuck???

On 12/9/2018 at 10:41 AM, ThreeEyedRaven said:

A leper walks into a cafe on a wet and miserable day, orders his food and looks for somewhere to sit. The place is packed apart from one guy sat alone at a table, so he shuffles over and explains that while he will quite understand if the guy says no, but is there any chance of sharing the table. The guy agrees, but the leper asks one more time, "Are you sure I won't put you off your food?" The man assures him so the leper sits and begins to eat. The man at the table brings a mouthful of food up and as he puts it in his mouth, looks directly at the leper and for a moment it seems he is about to vomit. 

The leper pauses and says, "Are you OK? I will leave if I am putting you off your food." The man assures him this is not the case, so the leper continues to eat. A second time the man takes a mouthful of food and the same thing happens, though this time he has to make a serious effort not to throw up. The leper starts to get up, but the man apologises profusely and assures the leper that it is not him that is making him queasy. Unsure, but not wanting to eat outside in the rain, the leper once more starts to eat.

A third time the man takes a mouthful of food, and as he does so, looks directly at the leper and once more he is assailed by vomiting actions and this time he cannot hold it in, and sprays the contents of his stomach all over the table, everyone's food and the leper, who is incensed.

"You sick scumbag!" he screams, "Three times! Three times I asked you if I was putting you off your food, and now look at me! As if life wasn't tough enough already, my food is ruined and I am covered in foul smelling puke. What the hell is wrong with you?"

The man says, "I am really, really sorry, but I swear to you it wasn't you that was putting me off my food and making me feel sick. It was that evil fella behind you, who kept dipping his bread in the pus at the back of your neck!"

 

 

"There are good lepers and bad lepers. You can't lump them all together." Nichols & May

 

While waiting for a White House press conference to begin, a journalist turns to the stranger to his right and asks,

"Did you hear the latest information about the president?"
"Before you continue," says the stranger, "I should tell you I'm part of the White House staff."
"Okay, thanks," the journalist responds.

 

"Then I'll say it a little slower than normal."
 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
Thinking, "Surely I can't look that old." well... you'll love this one.

 

My name is Scottie and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her diploma on the wall which bore all her details.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, beautiful, blonde-haired lass with the same name had been in my school class some 40-odd years ago. Could she be that same cute girl that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing her however, I quickly discarded any such thoughts.

This thinning, gray-haired crinkly old woman with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my class/soulmate.  After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended St Mark school in Aberdeen.

"Yes. Yes, I did." She gleamed with pride.

"When did you leave?" I asked.

She answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

She looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, fat,
bitch asked,

 

"What did you teach ?"
 

Illegal Immigration
-------------------------

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

 

30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

 

70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "
 

Today, I put some change into a homeless man's cap. A passer-by nudged me and said, "You idiot.  Don't you know that some of them live in really nice houses?"

"Not him," I replied, "I only evicted him yesterday."

A modern Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.
Absolutely not, says the Mullah. It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.
So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?
No, answered the Mullah, It's forbidden in Islam.
Well, okay, says the man, What about sex? Can we finally have sex?
Of course! replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!
What about different positions? asks the man.
No problem, says the Mullah.
Woman on top? the man asks.
Sure, says the Mullah. Go for it!
Doggy style?
Sure!
On the kitchen table?
Yes, yes!
Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?
You may indeed!
Can we do it standing up?
No, says the Mullah.
Why not? asks the man.
Because that could lead to dancing.

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He again declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie or maybe a chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again.. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving....."

Why did the Brothel Bouncer put Viagra drops into his eyes.  It didn't improve his vision but it made him look hard!

2 minutes ago, White Christmas13 said:

I bet all she saw was "IOU"!

9 minutes ago, White Christmas13 said:

Ok, I've drunk the gins but I'm too pi**ed to remember my age, what do I do next?

PS;  I'm Scottish, who adds/gives the £40 to me?

3 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

That's a bit cheeky.

3 hours ago, White Christmas13 said:

Sorry to be serious, but no, you're not right.  I was born in 1966, making me 54 this year:

79 - 54 = 25

25 + 40 = 65

 

As the equation stands, it only works for 2019, because each year nothing in the equation changes except your age, so when I'm 60 it'll be 

79 - 60 = 39

39 + 40 = 79

 

The number of gins has to increase each year because the equation is trying to subtract your age from the number of years since 1900:

79 for 2019 (79 + 40 = 119 = 2019 - 1900)

80 for 2020 (80 + 40 = 120 = 2020 - 1900)

81 for 2021...

 

I'll drink to that.

 

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

As the equation stands, it only works for 2019, because each year nothing in the equation changes except your age, so when I'm 60 it'll be 

79 - 60 = 39

39 + 40 = 79

After laying off the gin for a bit, I realised I was subtracting the 40 from 79 to get 39.  It should actually be

79 - 60 = 19

19 + 40 = 59

 

Doh.

 

 

On 1/15/2020 at 10:53 AM, WorriedNoodle said: