A bloke is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The bloke says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy <deleted>, no hand job is worth that kind of money."

The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a <deleted> is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street?
Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before.
He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us?
All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
"Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a pussy!"

 

 

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

 

 

 

 

POLITICIANS AND GOD

It's only natural that all politicians have a God complex. 
1.  They haven't done anything in ages
2.  They give all the best jobs to their immediate family

3.  Claim all sorts of miracles they are going to achieve without any of them actually happening
4.  No one really believes in them

 

PS;  Please feel free to add your own comments/reasons
 

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."
Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

 

"The handwriting's is Melania's."

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... 
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

 

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

A man walks into a bar...
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.

Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye."

The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet.

The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.

Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.

"Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got... $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and p^ss into the glass without missing a drop. 

 

The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to p&e into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.

The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.

The man chases after it, holding his member at an angle to properly aim it. However, pi**ing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.

Head hanging low, he hands the bartender the $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.

 

All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "the b*st*rd!" at the top of his lungs.

The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is."

To which the one eyed man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could urinate all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."

"Bill," a sad-faced man says to his coworker,

"I just heard the news about your rich uncle, with no known relations other than you, died falling off that cliff the other day. I'm terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?"
"We were just close enough for me to push him," Bill replies.
 

New Year diet not working so I called the Obesity Hotline. It's urgent, I said; "can you send someone round?" "Yeah", came the reply. "We've got loads of them".

Favourite jobs, anyone?

 

Pollen counter?

Coronation flag seller?

46 minutes ago, fasteddie said:

Another poor chap "Harping" on about not being a proper "Tennant" in his pub, being stamped with a "Black Label" and brewing all this froth!

It had been a bitterly cold night and the farmer went out to round up his cows for milking, only to find them all frozen solid, motionless; like statues.
He never thought anything like this could happen.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" he asked.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
"That was Thora Hird."

Just now, scottiejohn said:

Another poor chap "Harping" on about not being a proper "Tennant" in his pub, being stamped with a "Black Label" and brewing all this froth!

Oh come on.  That was a Stella joke.

Meanwhile back in the uk !!