On My way home from work, I stopped off at the petrol station to put some air in my tyres as they were a bit flat. I put the air in and went inside to pay.
The cashier said, £2, please.
£2! I said. It's air, for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that expensive!
Well, the cashier replied, that's inflation for you.

I got a call from some mates yesterday inviting me to a joint Chinese New Year / Burns night party.
I didn't want to go, but they twisted my arm.

Wife says to me last night "we never have sex anymore" to which I replied "speak for yourself"

 

Wife shouts at me "you never think of anyone else do you!" to which I replied "how dare you!! everytime we have sex I think about your sister"

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

13 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

I only found out i was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat !!

14 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

What age/culture is it as just I don't get it!

OOh you Animal.

3 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I only found out i was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat !!

No kidding!

3 hours ago, VocalNeal said:

OOh you Animal.

I am now confused!  I thought someone said it was the Kinks.

42 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I am now confused!  I thought someone said it was the Kinks.

The Who?

 

You have to take the original joke on Blind Faith?

OH WELL-BACK TO THE DRAWINGBOARD!

 

 

An adorable old woman visits the doctor.

 

"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed wind at least ten times since I've been here in your office.

You didn't know I was doing because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says, coming back from opening all the surgery doors and windows, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my f*rts, although still silent now stink terribly."
"Good," the doctor says.

 

"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing. and your gas build up"

OLD AGE

 

Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies.

"Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.," the first man explains, "and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out."

The second man adds, "I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I've got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens."
The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends,

"I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7 A.M. every morning."
"That's not bad," the first man responds. "Why are you complaining?"
The third man admits,

 

"The problem is I don't usually wake up until 7.05 A.M."

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

No kidding!

Ooo you old toga you !!

A new man is brought into a prison cell with a cellmate who is already 80 years old. The new cellmate asks the old man his story. The old con says, "You look at me, I'm old and worn out, but if you can believe it, I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat and four luxury cars, dated some of the most beautiful women in the world, and I ate in all the best restaurants around the world."
The new man asks, "What happened?"

"Riley finally realized his credit cards were missing."
 

2 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Ooo you old toga you !!

You should know that your are often the "butt" of some of my puns even when you are not acting like my nanny!

1 minute ago, scottiejohn said:

You should know that your are often the "butt" of some of my puns even when you are not acting like my nanny!

Hey I’m just milking it for all it’s worth !!

 

I think I’m done now ????

The title is " The worst Joke..' ; I think this one is a good one :

 

" Coronavirus: Stay calm and carry on spending! Tourism minister tells tourists "

3 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I am now confused!  I thought someone said it was the Kinks.

 

They got stuck in the Traffic.

 

Or maybe it was a Jam or Marmalade.

5 minutes ago, Crossy said:

 

They got stuck in the Traffic.

 

Or maybe it was a Jam or Marmalade.

Since I have no knowledge of so called "pop music", to which I belive the terms "Kinks", "Who", "Animals" etc belong, I do not have a clue what you are all on about.  It is all toast to me!

PS;  I bet there will be many sighs of relief on this forum as you now know there will be no more puns on this subject from me.

20 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

It is all toast to me!

 

Incredibly there's a band called Toast, a tribute band to the group Bread (Yes [another great band], I did have to Google it).

 

32 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Since I have no knowledge of so called "pop music", to which I belive the terms "Kinks", "Who", "Animals" etc belong, I do not have a clue what you are all on about.  It is all toast to me!

PS;  I bet there will be many sighs of relief on this forum as you now know there will be no more puns on this subject from me.

The original cartoon was for the Byrds.

 

I'll get my hat