No one will publish my biography,
story of my life.

Important Laws Newton Forgot to State
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

And spelling...

Polar Bear Orders Beer
A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he’ll have. The bear says “guess I’ll have a ............... ................ ............... beer.”

 

The bartender asks “Why the big pause?”

 

The polar bear replies. “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink.

"Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

 

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

 

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

 

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

 

While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

 

He said, "My wife found out."

A woman passed her daughter's room and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked "why?" 

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please, leave me alone." 

Next day, the father heard the same buzz and upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query, the daughter again said, "Dad I"m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone."

 

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room. On entering, she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. 

The wife asked, "what the f.. are you doing?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."