I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

Get time off work with depression by going to the doctor while wearing a Man United shirt.

I now have a wooden desk and a blackboard in my lounge.
My wife asked me to make the room look classy.

I finished with my 1st girlfriend because she continually counted.
I often wonder what she's up to now?

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Lazada.
I'll keep you posted.

Would a jurisprudence fetishist get off on a technicality?

Who will take the second shot of this snooker game?
Find out after the break.

I went to a restaurant for lunch
They had a nice traditional menu.
Rectangular and laminated, just the way I like it.

My mate is called Dave Twokegs.
That's a double-barrel surname.

Before the 'Iron Age' was everything creased?

Me; Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset
How do you manage to control your temper ?
Wife; I just go and clean the toilet
Me; How does that help ?
Wife; I use your toothbrush

4 hours ago, overherebc said:

That is so scary. Just to think they could probably vote as well.

It's worse as they could now be in the Senate or.................................(insert as required!)

5 hours ago, Crossy said:

Yes, it's a real product!

 

Yes, people bought them!

 

Yes, people actually used them before returning their rented DVDs! Not helped by places like Blockbuster putting "Please Rewind" stickers on their DVDs.

 

 

EDIT It gets worse, there was even an online service. Cost a dollar US, and people paid!

 

Digital Velocity wanted to rewind your DVDs for you. Just enter your credit card information on their website (Just $1 per DVD), then insert the DVD into the CD tray of your computer, and fifty-nine seconds later your DVD will be rewound.

 

 

Gives me the bright idea of making a USB flash drive re-winder.

3 hours ago, ravip said:

Gives me the bright idea of making a USB flash drive re-winder.

I now have an idea for Xmas presents for a couple of people. Thanks. ????

54 minutes ago, overherebc said:

I now have an idea for Xmas presents for a couple of people. Thanks. ????

You wouldn't be trying to wind them up now would you!

 

A sad reflection on our times!

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down in shock when he saw him.

 

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to attend Mass. What made ya come?"

 

Murphy said, "I gotta be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like it, and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take his hat off during Mass, and I figured he would leave it on a hook at the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

 

Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

 

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

 

With a tear in his eye the priest said, "So, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?"

 

Murphy shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

Don't you just hate it when you're sending a text, and you’re so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off your windscreen?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

 

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

 

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

 

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and pointed it at the ceiling.

 

'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!' he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

 

No one answered.

 

'Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!'1

 

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

 

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Hey there partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?'

 

The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home.'

2 hours ago, fangless said:

et tu fangless?