New start Chris

[thatland 2018 paul]

Been in thailand 9 months with my essan girlfriend. friend give her mum dad 4-6 000 Bart a month. Both 76 has a son 13 I’ve talked about a baby. I’m 54 she is 38 do we not row and she makes me happy as I do her but all the stories I here. keep me looking for a catch. I’ve tried yes I help her family. Am I a dim wit. But are thai girls all about money.

 

 

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[richard_smith237]

Just relax, trust your instincts and enjoy yourself... 

 

At 54 do you really want to be having Children? 

 

Don't go for the 'night in shining armor' and try and look after her family... you're 54, old enough to know better, old enough to know what you want, and young enough to just get on with things and enjoy life.... Don't fall into any traps you'll regret...  

 

 

 

[shadowofacloud]

30 minutes ago, richard_smith237 said:

At 54 do you really want to be having Children? 

 

Yes. Apart from everything else, this is a crucial question. And in the vast majority of cases the answer would be a strong "no".

[HuskerDo]

How/where did you meet her? Online? Does she speak English or you Thai? As long as you are happy that's all that counts. It isn't like you are forking over a ton of cash to her parents. Having a child with her would complicate things greatly in case one day things went sour. At this point if things go sour you just pick up and move on. No issues.

 

Just one opinion.

[thatland 2018 paul]

Hi I only look 42 - 45 at most but can there be exceptions to the norm and what what can I do to be sure feels right but I listen to so many people £££ not love.


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[AlexRich]

If you are happy to pay 4-6,000 Baht per month and that does not affect you financially then no harm done. Just don't get married, buy land, build houses or have a baby, loan money ... or pay any more than you can easily afford.  That way if the relationship begins to sour you can pack your bags and high tail it to Pattaya. 

[Kadilo]

Go with the flow. Bit early to start talking about kids imo but hey your call.
Many people end up happy with wives, land, houses but are normally less vocal than those who have been stung so don’t take everything as gospel.
As always there is good and bad. Enjoy the ride.


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[NCC1701A]

just set your budget at a number you are very comfortable with and stick with it. 

 

if the demands for money get uncomfortable then leave.

 

remember she is under a lot of pressure from her parents to bring in money.

 

if you leave if is her responsibility. 

Edited January 15, 2019 by NCC1701A

[thatland 2018 paul]

Thanks yes she dose speak English. met her in Lamai. and does not ask for any thing for self .and she has not ask for nothing for her self.


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[HuskerDo]

41 minutes ago, thatland 2018 paul said:

Thanks yes she dose speak English. met her in Lamai. and does not ask for any thing for self .and she has not ask for nothing for her self.


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Sounds like a potential long term keeper then. Take it slow and wait on the kids for a while to make sure things continue to go well. Best of luck.

[thatland 2018 paul]

Hi thank you for your words


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[Brickbat]

There is just one way. Time. Keep your eyes and ears open. It takes 12 months or so to learn some. We as humans can hide who we are for up to 2 years. Some longer as I really got to know my ex in a divorce court after 23 years. 

Yes they all want money, but if it’s the only thing , then her BEHAVIOUR will reveal this to you , over time. 

So take your time. 

[Shiver]

My story was not that different to yours when I first got into my current relationship.  I don't want to make public what happened, except to say it wasn't infidelity, extortion, family being controlling or any of that stuff.

 

We're still together, and after correcting some misalignments I can honestly say after 9 years she's the best thing in relationships that's ever happened to me, and I've had some good ones.

 

I would suggest assess the family first, as that is what will give her the nature/nurture bias.  They can have enormous control over them, implied or explicit.  If they are genuine then you're most of the way home (assuming you're a decent person also).

What I did was test for gold digging tendencies.  Many different ways, and whether she's naturally that way or I've taught her, I don't know, perhaps a bit of both, but the family (when they were alive) were grateful for 5K a month (she had 20K, then zero but open access to cash, and some other variants as I was learning - these days I give her zero monthly, but make sure she has a chunk in the bank, as it gives her a feeling of security and independence, but interestingly makes her extremely frugal when it's her own money.  That could be a 'pro tip' as it'll sort the women from the kids, and you get to fail early before investing heart/mind and of course cash) ...as it was more than any other offspring could offer the grandparents, and the grandparents used it to pay for their funerals (200K each I think), as they didn't want to be a burden.  I covered everything asked of me, but that everything was pretty modest to be honest the way it turned out.

I honestly believe that if we were to break up, she would stay alone for the rest of her life, and is closer to her dogs than she is obligated to family siblings.  Don't want to make her sound like some weird 'cat lady', she's in demand, sociable, my friends adore her for the most part (exceptions being those that are aligned with me, so if she's good for me then they're happy, others would be the other way around ???? ).

I know I'm just talking me, me, me, but perhaps you can see a version of your situation in that.

 

Yes it does exist (genuine people in a good relationship).  Language and culture I don't mess with too mut, we just each create our boundaries and don't over step.  So it's a fairly shallow relationship in some ways, and concrete in others, but if you're not needy but want teamwork, you can hit the jackpot quite a lot easier than expected.  Better to stay away from tourist traps and rentable fun, but even there I've seen people have success stories.  So long as you're honest with yourself, it kind of jolts everything else in your domain into alignment and to be honest with you too.  If it works better for them when being selfish means it is also in alignment with the group success as well, that disincentivises the "51% attack".

 

[marquis22]

Yes, so don't drop it.

[SuperTed]

Hi thank you for your words


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Dear Thatland 2018 Paul - I have carefully read your posts on the current topic.

After thorough consideration, and without going into the details as to Why, I would like to strongly urge you not to reproduce.

[1FinickyOne]

your relationship will be unique to the 2 of you... relax and enjoy... usually things are pretty good for 7 years... then it becomes more of a crap shoot... 

 

when someone told me that 50% of marriages end in divorce, I thought - oh my - that means there is a 50% chance I will have to live with her forever.... 

 

9 months is still honeymoon phase... why worry?

[Puchaiyank]

Follow you heart and instincts... if it feels right and you are not under constant pressure to provide funds for a number of family members...then ride that happy train until it details...which may never happen...good luck! 

[xtrnuno41]

SHe makes you happy, that is a real good thing ! Hold on to that and enjoy it.

It could change, my wife went for divorce after 10 years marriage, just like that.

We had kids at that moment 4 and 7, but it didnt matter to her at all. It was a blow in my face.

Still dont know the reason, but as you talk with colleges, find out, i wasnt the only one with the experience.

 

You NEVER can tell what is in the future and what is going on in the mind of a partner.

I know, you can be totally mistaken. Lived it several times, sadly.

To find THE one is hard. Live in the moment and enjoy it. 

As many said, keep your eyes on what goes on and dont let anyone make you crazy by doing things you dont want. As it doesnt matter whatever you do good for your partner, at the end it is worth nothing in the partners mind. When they switch definitely in their minds, somehow.

For kids, for a man there is normally no problem for reproducing, even getting 70. However for a woman it could give problems. Could, not every woman is the same, but by statistics, before 40 would be the best, as far as i heard of it. 

Enjoy as much as possible, as life is short. The older you get, you will think more and more about that.

[Mansell]

They tend to all want money, but not all are greedy. You will figure that out over time. 

As for a child, think carefully because that is a twenty year commitment if you stay together. Also if you are like me you will want the child to have the best education possible, and the government schools are not very good at all. So that means a private school, and that means spending.....we have two boys and it mounts up pretty fast.....but I am fine with it because I want them to have the best shot possible......and speaking English is important for their future.

A question nobody seemed to ask, is your lady working? Mine is, and that adds an extra dynamic to the relationship, besides money.

Good luck. If you have a good Thai lady they can be the best, and they are also bloody amusing and fun companions. Happier now than any other time in my life.

[NanLaew]

18 hours ago, richard_smith237 said:

Just relax, trust your instincts and enjoy yourself... 

 

At 54 do you really want to be having Children? 

 

Don't go for the 'night in shining armor' and try and look after her family... you're 54, old enough to know better, old enough to know what you want, and young enough to just get on with things and enjoy life.... Don't fall into any traps you'll regret... 

 

Fifty four is never too late and his future ex-wife is in her prime too so go ahead and have a couple. Plus the future 'out laws' will be dead and burned in another 10 years or so. That's when the real savings kick in, just in time for the OP's formal, official retirement.

 

The OP doesn't mention how long they've been an item but watch out for the 7 year itch.

 

1 hour ago, kenk24 said:

your relationship will be unique to the 2 of you... relax and enjoy... usually things are pretty good for 7 years... then it becomes more of a crap shoot...

As I was saying.

 

Edited January 16, 2019 by NanLaew

[khunPer]

15 hours ago, thatland 2018 paul said:

Thanks yes she dose speak English. met her in Lamai. and does not ask for any thing for self .and she has not ask for nothing for her self.

I agree with @NCC1701A, set a budget for yourself of what you are prepared to give your girlfriend of money that is hers, and what you would spend on living together. As long as it make sense and is comfortable, and both figurs are within what you (easily) can afford, just enjoy life together with your ❤️ and be happy.

 

Seem like you say that your girlfriend has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship, but he is living together with her elder parents. You should consider that up to 6,000 baht a month for two older adults and a young teen is not much money, so think of how much more you would be prepared to spend on that account, should the question be raised later.

 

All the horror stories might well be true, but we hear more horror stories than the good stories, as the horror stories sell headlines. Bear in mind that Thailand is like the Western world once was, where the man is the provider for a family, and children takes care of their parents. So when you ask about "catch", then there will be one, you are going to be a provider for a family; however that might not be anything more than you're willingly prepared to. Many a Thai relationship with a foreigner is primary based on "marriage of convenience", but it can work out extremely well, if you and your spouse find the right balance.

 

Therefore the first mentioned advise is the most important, i.e. "as long as it make sense and is comfortable".

My experience: I was 54 when I met my Thai girlfriend, we later had a child together, and it has worked well for now 15 years – i.e. make sense and been comfortable – we're not married, because being able to happily live together is more important for both of us, than a piece of paper.

 

Wish all the best for your future relationship...????

[atyclb]

3 hours ago, Shiver said:

I give her zero monthly, but make sure she has a chunk in the bank

 

yeah, dont get caught up on monthly payments, deposit 1 or 2 years worth upfront

 

you probably have an mba in international banking

[NoshowJones]

18 hours ago, richard_smith237 said:

Just relax, trust your instincts and enjoy yourself... 

 

At 54 do you really want to be having Children? 

 

Don't go for the 'night in shining armor' and try and look after her family... you're 54, old enough to know better, old enough to know what you want, and young enough to just get on with things and enjoy life.... Don't fall into any traps you'll regret...  

 

 

 

This is the best answer the OP is going to get, I hope he pays particular attention to it.

[Lacessit]

Family comes first with most Thais. There are not many Thai women who would not expect a farang to provide for either them or their family. 4000 - 6000 baht is  a fairly modest upkeep. It may escalate later if your GF wants a home to live in. Start running if she wants a 10 million baht house.

Having children is a personal decision. I would defer that until you've established trust over a couple of years.

[BenBen23]

If you play it right, you'll be fine. Don't buy property and put it in her name. Don't make yourself worth more dead than alive. A lot of stupid men have lost everything that way, including their lives. And don't move to Essan! 

Aside from that, at 38 she probably does just want to settle down. Treat her well. Don't cheat! 90% of the bad stories you've heard were probably 90% the man's fault. If she relies on you to feed her family then its not an equal relationship. She cannot react the same way to your bad behavior. She might hold it in and resent you. You don't want that because a reckoning will come. 

 

You want some good advice? Pay her a set amount every month. Never fail to pay it. And never pay more! Don't believe "my mother is sick, my son needs braces, the family buffalo is dying, my brother needs to bribe the police" or any other story that amounts to you handing over unscheduled payments - not even small ones. And tell her that if for any reason the relationship doesn't work out, you will pay her two more months after she leaves. And then really do that if you break up. Otherwise the process of breaking up could end with someone in the hospital, the monkey house, or dead. 

Even if you do everything right you have to realize that she is perfectly capable of deceiving you and screwing you over - like every other woman on earth. 

[thatland 2018 paul]

I got to know my x after 30years. or should I say not. but I’ve never been married,so hopefully not
Total fool.


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[Sakeopete]

Thai girls get coached by others on how to play the long game. Don't invest in Thailand anything you are not willing to lose.

[thatland 2018 paul]

SHe makes you happy, that is a real good thing ! Hold on to that and enjoy it.
It could change, my wife went for divorce after 10 years marriage, just like that.
We had kids at that moment 4 and 7, but it didnt matter to her at all. It was a blow in my face.
Still dont know the reason, but as you talk with colleges, find out, i wasnt the only one with the experience.
 
You NEVER can tell what is in the future and what is going on in the mind of a partner.
I know, you can be totally mistaken. Lived it several times, sadly.
To find THE one is hard. Live in the moment and enjoy it. 
As many said, keep your eyes on what goes on and dont let anyone make you crazy by doing things you dont want. As it doesnt matter whatever you do good for your partner, at the end it is worth nothing in the partners mind. When they switch definitely in their minds, somehow.
For kids, for a man there is normally no problem for reproducing, even getting 70. However for a woman it could give problems. Could, not every woman is the same, but by statistics, before 40 would be the best, as far as i heard of it. 
Enjoy as much as possible, as life is short. The older you get, you will think more and more about that.

[The Theory]

20 hours ago, thatland 2018 paul said:

But are thai girls all about money.

Oh not at all, 

Money is the last thing in their life.

 

A  ????????????

[thatland 2018 paul]

Hi her hole family treat me better than I could wish. I only wish my only son who I love would have given my qccsame respect that I now get she is 10 times nicer than my x and I never had a choice with my first son I was trapped and always wanted a second child which I now have the chance may be to late. I’ve now got a visa to take her to my home in england I’ve been told not good. It has been jump and I ask how hi hi I jump has took 4 months and I’ve been lucky I think don’t want to wait until I’m 60 to late thenI I’m def to old


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