Unwillingness / inability to talk things through

[Tomahawk21]

maybe she just does not like you, i see it all the time with men who thinks their g/f or wife loves them.

[Tomahawk21]

3 hours ago, Graviton said:

4?

slow learner 

[BritManToo]

15 hours ago, Mac98 said:

It is common in USA. Women say men don't communicate, but in most arguments women lay out all their complaints, then when you open your mouth to respond they like to stalk out of the room and slam the door. I am not alone in experiencing this, I assure you.

My headphones cure all sorts of relationship problems.

[RocketDog]

8

3 hours ago, marcusarelus said:

Who said I walked away when frustrated or impatient?  Why did you make that up? 

Good point. I don't know.  Just guessing from your attitude and self-proclaimed history.

I will assume henceforth that it was the first 3 wives that were frustrated/ impatient or that you have such poor judgment with women that you set yourself up for failure. Generally only teenagers go through this  'serial monogamy' thing. Well, there I go again, assuming it was monogamous.

 

I'll quit while I'm behind but surely there is some pattern to your history that you chose not to acknowledge or share. You have to admit that your post was provocative.

[Odysseus123]

2 hours ago, metempsychotic said:

To dismiss Thai language as rudimentary and lacking descriptive power is nonsense. 

 

A couple who have no fluency  a  common language will have communication issues  no matter what proficiency each has in their native language. 

 

Low level Thai, like low level English or any other language you may choose may well be limited, but the words are there for those educated enough to know them.  Education for many is rudimentary may be a better way of putting it. 

 

Conflict avoidance and the resulting pent up anger are a very real thing, though and thiscultural difference causes alot of problems. 

Very good post.

[marcusarelus]

1 hour ago, RocketDog said:

8

Good point. I don't know.  Just guessing from your attitude and self-proclaimed history.

I will assume henceforth that it was the first 3 wives that were frustrated/ impatient or that you have such poor judgment with women that you set yourself up for failure. Generally only teenagers go through this  'serial monogamy' thing. Well, there I go again, assuming it was monogamous.

 

I'll quit while I'm behind but surely there is some pattern to your history that you chose not to acknowledge or share. You have to admit that your post was provocative.

Two x's are dead (RIP) one married a multimillionaire and left me hanging.  The current one and I are very happy.  I guess you should walk a mile in my moccasins.  I was in a bunker in Vietnam with rockets and dead dogs all round me when I found out my first wife was having an affair.  Or maybe 2 miles in my combat boots. Before you call me a liar - I'm a disabled vet receiving benefits and insurance here in Thailand and I can prove it.  Now what share would you like me to acknowledge? 

Edited June 1, 2019 by marcusarelus

[Elizway]

On 5/31/2019 at 2:51 PM, Baerboxer said:

My wife is fluent in English; well educated with Bachelor and Master degrees; has lived in several countries.

 

40% of the time no problem. 60% reverts back to Thai habit - only has one point of view hers; ridiculously stubborn; ignores facts she doesn't like; wants to do as she pleases with no sense of urgency or idea how to prioritize and if loosing a discussion due to logic and reasoning will try to change the topic, deflect or if that fails go berserk. Nature of women from Asia, especially Thailand. Emotional blackmail being one of their main characteristics.

 

That ration is moving to 30/70 since moving back to Thailand permanently.

 

 

Wow! Im seriously thinking "who is this guy? He is definitely talking about her! When was she with him?" 

[Tbone999]

The only one with a conflict is you, and it can tend to be a Thai perspective because of their Buddhist beliefs, plus you're undermining their own self worth by trying to point out some potential weakness in their own psyche. I use to try to "resolve" conflicts early on, but gave up as
I came to realize that it could also be me who has the problem. Now, when we and the missus have an issue "usually because of me", we both tend to let it blow over, then resume as normal, both having learned what is correct or not without having to deconstruct the obvious. If you're that concerned with "resolving conflicts" then you probably need to look for a psychiatrist for a partner. Everyone's perspective is different and you're being arrogant expecting others to view their world in your eyes. I fully expect you have had this issue with all your partners no matter where they originate. Lighten up and you might be surprised at the results.....

[Elizway]

12 hours ago, JDGRUEN said:

,It seems to me a waste of time to talk, argue or anything else any furtherp.  I would take her attitude and actions as deeply wanting out of the relationship.. The only resolution she wants is a divorce and you gone.  You Insisting that you both talk it out - work it out is what is causing the next blow up.

She's finished - you're not.. You NOT seeing she is finished is the problem

I am sorry it turned out to be that way for "you". 

[andux]

6 hours ago, RocketDog said:

Only traits like empathy and love can bridge such gaps, but the gaps don't magically disappear, they are just minimized.

 

Pretty much this. It's all about empathy. But if she has no empathy the relationship becomes impossible since it will either be her way or a tantrum/emotional blackmail fest until she gets what she wants. 

 

In all relationships you'll reach a point where you want A, and the other person wants B. Healthy adults will find a compromise, or either choose A or B temporarily and revisit the issue later. If your partner is toxic, he/she will want what he/she wants and not listen to your needs/arguments/whatever. 

[Tomahawk21]

dont know why any man would put up with all that crap in any country let alone Thailand. life is too short move on and find some one that want to be with you and not just with you for your money.

[Fex Bluse]

23 hours ago, marcusarelus said:

My Thai brain surgeon is a woman and is easy to talk to and explains everything in great detail.  I was dizzy a few weeks ago and she gave me all kinds of brain tests to determine the problem.  Now I'm much less dizzy.

Yeah, there are some very competent people in Thailand. Not enough, though, to make one generally comfortable when transacting with them. 

 

Glad you are less dizzy ????

[Fex Bluse]

22 hours ago, metempsychotic said:

To dismiss Thai language as rudimentary and lacking descriptive power is nonsense. 

 

A couple who have no fluency  a  common language will have communication issues  no matter what proficiency each has in their native language. 

 

Low level Thai, like low level English or any other language you may choose may well be limited, but the words are there for those educated enough to know them.  Education for many is rudimentary may be a better way of putting it. 

 

Conflict avoidance and the resulting pent up anger are a very real thing, though and thiscultural difference causes alot of problems. 

There are linguists who agree with you and linguists who disagree.

 

I can agree with your point that if a language is not used optimally, communication can suffer. 

 

Thais generally suffer at Thai language and also done benefit from English much either, due to their poor English proficiency and also systemic xenophobia. 

 

Without getting into a really long answer, there are many hints that Thai is deficient in some ways and that most Thais (poorly educated and highly educated) are too. 

 

* It is well-known that Thais are poor readers of their own language. 

 

* It is acknowledged that Thais spend among the most time in the world learning their own language - several years longer than even their neighbors the Vietnamese. 

 

* Thai writing is considered by many linguists to be among the most complex in the world. 

 

* Thais are among the worst speakers of English as a second language of all measured countries - despite their decades long reliance on western tourism and decades long English programs in schools 

 

* Scripto Continua, or writing without spaces (also known as stop words), is regarded by most linguists to represent languages that did not undergo literary traditions to allow knowledge dissemination to common classes of people

 

[Graviton]

5 minutes ago, Fex Bluse said:

There are linguists who agree with you and linguists who disagree.

 

I can agree with your point that if a language is not used optimally, communication can suffer. 

 

Thais generally suffer at Thai language and also done benefit from English much either, due to their poor English proficiency and also systemic xenophobia. 

 

Without getting into a really long answer, there are many hints that Thai is deficient in some ways and that most Thais (poorly educated and highly educated) are too. 

 

* It is well-known that Thais are poor readers of their own language. 

 

* It is acknowledged that Thais spend among the most time in the world learning their own language - several years longer than even their neighbors the Vietnamese. 

 

* Thai writing is considered by many linguists to be among the most complex in the world. 

 

* Thais are among the worst speakers of English as a second language of all measured countries - despite their decades long reliance on western tourism and decades long English programs in schools 

 

* Scripto Continua, or writing without spaces (also known as stop words), is regarded by most linguists to represent languages that did not undergo literary traditions to allow knowledge dissemination to common classes of people

 

Then take them uk let them go school everyday for 5 yrs then English is perfect.......

 

Take the time to study thai also

[AAArdvark]

On 5/30/2019 at 7:06 PM, Elizway said:

It's not due to linguistic reasons either. She's perfectly fluent

Yes it is. I have known literally at least a hundred  asian/farang marriages.  Language nuance is always an issue.  Even with a couple from the same country, communication can be difficult, Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus.  The frustration of not being able to fully express difficult feelings just leads to frustrations and problems like refusal to even try to communicate. Cultural differences can also add to the problems even if both try hard to understand the other's culture.  I was married to an Asian woman for 28 years.  She was educated in English but there was still that difficulty.

This is not to say that every marriage will fail due to language but it does add to normal marriage communications difficulties.  In the United States, 45% of all marriages fail without any language differences.

[TheFarangGuy]

On 5/30/2019 at 3:01 PM, Fex Bluse said:

Thais tending to speak in terribly vague terms, leaving much of the meaning to be interpreted by the listener 

I have also came to this conclusion. Even with my colleagues at work, when I ask a straightforward questions related to a project or something, I often get a very vague answer. It's like they just can't (or don't want) to answer exactly the question asked. It can get so frustrating sometimes..

 

Regarding the topic, from my humble experience with thai girls, most of them were unable to express their true emotions and couldn't discuss our relationship seriously. Other than "i love you" and "i missed you today", we could hardly discuss serious topics like how to plan our future together or set terms about our relationship. I went to funeral with my ex when her grandma died, and she stood there like a psycho, with no expressions on her face at all, while her relatives were throwing themselves on the ground crying. Hard to think person like that can be functional in a relationship. 

 

I don't know man. I'm yet to meet "normal" thai girl. Even my hi-so colleagues who are from rich families display red flag behavior when it comes to money and men. It's like they're wired completely different from western girls. 

 

It's very bad to say this, but from my exprience so far, thai girls are only good for ONS and having fun. If you want to keep your sanity in the long run, settle down with girl from your own country. What good is a 10/10 thai girl if you gonna end up miserable and with a broken heart in a few years.

[andux]

27 minutes ago, TheFarangGuy said:

I don't know man. I'm yet to meet "normal" thai girl. Even my hi-so colleagues who are from rich families display red flag behavior when it comes to money and men. It's like they're wired completely different from western girls. 

Can you elaborate more on that red flag behavior regarding money and men? I have noticed some issues in this department as well, but I want to know what your exact observations were, if possible.

[marcusarelus]

5 hours ago, TheFarangGuy said:

If you want to keep your sanity in the long run, settle down with girl from your own country. What good is a 10/10 thai girl if you gonna end up miserable and with a broken heart in a few years.

How many marriages have you had in your own country?  

[b17]

I've been married to a Thai for almost 25 years, and have finally learned, through hard experience,  to immediately retreat to my 'man cave' when an argument flares up. BTW, my 'retreat' is five minutes walk away, which affords me the space to return to happiness after a spat. When I return, usually a couple of hours later, my wife has forgotten the 'issue' and wants to know what I want for dinner...

 

 For the first few years I always tried to immediately resolve disagreements, but finally realized that instinct is like trying to put out fire with gasoline. 

Better, and much easier, to accept that 'loss of face' is avoided at all costs in this part of the world, and this obsession needs to be taken into account before making any long term commitments. Otherwise, you're an utter fool and deserve your fate

 

 

 

[marcusarelus]

9 minutes ago, b17 said:

I've been married to a Thai for almost 25 years, and have finally learned, through hard experience,  to immediately retreat to my 'man cave' when an argument flares up. BTW, my 'retreat' is five minutes walk away, which affords me the space to return to happiness after a spat. When I return, usually a couple of hours later, my wife has forgotten the 'issue' and wants to know what I want for dinner...

 

 For the first few years I always tried to immediately resolve disagreements, but finally realized that instinct is like trying to put out fire with gasoline. 

Better, and much easier, to accept that 'loss of face' is avoided at all costs in this part of the world, and this obsession needs to be taken into account before making any long term commitments. Otherwise, you're an utter fool and deserve your fate

 

 

 

I can tell you studied Buddhism with the Eagles. Or maybe with the Beetles.  

Learn to be still or Let it be.  

 

[brianthainess]

On 5/30/2019 at 8:07 PM, Elizway said:

So how exactly are conflicts resolved if you can't sit down and talk? 

In my experience they are not interested in Anything you have to say unless its about money,they won't tell you their problems,but brood about them until in the end whatever has been bothering them is somehow your fault. Classic answer from them is" you think to much" or "stop thinking".    You can sit down,but dont talk is my advise.

[TheFarangGuy]

11 hours ago, andux said:

Can you elaborate more on that red flag behavior regarding money and men? I have noticed some issues in this department as well, but I want to know what your exact observations were, if possible.

For example, one of them told my friend that she's with this dude only because he can support her financially (he's like 20 years older than her). And it's not like she's poor. Her family is very rich and she has a good job. But she still needs a "sponsor" to buy her stuff. Another friend found a foreigner and dates him, but she still has Tinder and chat with guys regularly. Not to mention I was directly offered a date multiple times by our freaking coworker who was married at the time. She would get flowers to the office on a daily basis and date random guys at the time. I see so many divorced thai girls or girls in disfunctional relationships around me, it's crazy. Maybe I'm with the wrong crowd, Idk..

 

 

6 hours ago, marcusarelus said:

How many marriages have you had in your own country?  

None. But I've lived long enough on this earth to be able to learn something from mere observation, and not from personal experience. There is a good saying in my country - fool learns from his own mistakes, wise man learns from others.

 

5 hours ago, brianthainess said:

In my experience they are not interested in Anything you have to say unless its about money,they won't tell you their problems,but brood about them until in the end whatever has been bothering them is somehow your fault. Classic answer from them is" you think to much" or "stop thinking".    You can sit down,but dont talk is my advise.

Holy shit haha that's exactly how my ex was! Happened multiple times - we have a great day together, then I say something she doesn't like and she just cut me off and brood. If I don't message her first she would stay silent for days. When I ask what's wrong she wouldn't say anything and then all of the sudden she would just behave normally. And her classical answer was "don't think too much", yes. 

[marcusarelus]

8 minutes ago, TheFarangGuy said:

None. But I've lived long enough on this earth to be able to learn something from mere observation, and not from personal experience. There is a good saying in my country - fool learns from his own mistakes, wise man learns from others.

You claimed Western women were better than Thai women but never had a long term relationship with a Western woman.  

 

You also claimed a fool learns from his own mistakes. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 3, 2019 by marcusarelus

[TheFarangGuy]

34 minutes ago, marcusarelus said:

You claimed Western women were better than Thai women but never had a long term relationship with a Western woman.  

 

You also claimed a fool learns from his own mistakes. 

 

Where exactly did I say I never had a long term relationship with a western woman? I said I wasn't married to one. I lived all my life in Europe, it's obvious that I'm more "compatible" with, let's say, German girl than with Thai girl. Hard to imagine some people are still dumbfounded by that. 

 

I don't understand why you go after me, you want me to admit I'm a fool? Yes, sure, I was a fool many times, and learned from my own mistakes with thai women. If something is still not clear, you are very welcome to continue this conversation in private messages. Cheers.

[BritManToo]

54 minutes ago, TheFarangGuy said:

we have a great day together, then I say something she doesn't like and she just cut me off and brood.

Talk less, bang more ........... it works for me.

[andux]

3 hours ago, TheFarangGuy said:

For example, one of them told my friend that she's with this dude only because he can support her financially (he's like 20 years older than her). And it's not like she's poor. Her family is very rich and she has a good job. But she still needs a "sponsor" to buy her stuff.

 

Yeah I've seen this. This is an issue with most women in the world though. Women like money and free stuff, and to be provided with financial security.

 

It's just that Thai women are more transparent about this fact, and will tell you on your face that they want you to sponsor them through life independently of how much money they've got. I've had women tell me "it doesn't matter if I have millions of baht. You'll still have to pay for everything" ????.

[Sumarianson]

Not going to get into my private affairs in a public forum but my advice is get out now while you have a chance. Do not hesitate. Get out now.  

[spidermike007]

It is a Thai thing. For all of the precepts expressed within Buddhism, about introspection, reflection, self knowledge, etc, it is quite mind boggling how unwilling most Thais are, to look within for the source of a problem, or even discuss an issue, to work it out. Communication is key in any healthy relationship. When I was with my wife during the first year or two, we would have problems, and I would want to discuss them. She would always say I do not want to talk about it. My reply would be that her unwillingness to discuss our issues, will lead to our breakup. I would ask her how much does this relationship mean to you? If you really care as much as you say you do, demonstrate it, with the willingness to work out our problems. Otherwise, it will be the reason we will not last. I explained the multiple functions of the door. You can use it to enter, or to exit the house. If we cannot work things out, then you will exit the house soon! She got it. We began to talk. She did not like doing so. But, over time we learned to communicate, and now she is very good at it. We have an issue. We talk about it. And it is resolved quickly. 

 

So, it is really about training, coaching, and conditioning. As Thais do not like to discuss things that are deep or troublesome, they must be trained to do so. If they care. 

[Captain 776]

On 6/1/2019 at 6:42 AM, marcusarelus said:

I'm 75 and my wife is 45.  No problems.  You are wrong.  I think more jealousy than reason speaking.  I've always had a trophy wife and others have always been jealous.  This is my 4th one and I've learned how to handle them. 

If it is your FOURTH......one, I am not wrong.

You more than prove my point.

[marcusarelus]

35 minutes ago, Captain 776 said:

If it is your FOURTH......one, I am not wrong.

You more than prove my point.

Do you really want me to tell you about the dear John letter I got from my wife when I was fighting in Vietnam?  She was having an affair with a good friend of mine.  Does that prove your point?