Question about supporting family back home

[CBBC]

First I'd like to say I'm sorry for asking what is likely a common question that has been answered.  However I did some pretty extensive searching using various key words and I'm coming up empty.  I have learned a lot of useful information reading through the site so thank you for that.

 

I'm curious what a reasonable monthly remittance to the wife's mother is and general advice.

 

My wife and I are living here in the USA.  My wife was sending 3k THB monthly to mom back in Thailand as a remittance.  I was OK with this, but since about 6 months ago, this apparently has doubled and I just discovered she’s sending 6k now for the past half year.  The Thai mom is in her 50s and has a little soup cart / restaurant permanently set up next to the local village temple and makes some money that way and it gives her something to do.  She’s out in the provinces and a 45 minute drive from any big city.  The small house she owns and lives in is old, but paid for.  The Thai mom also cares for a 6 year old niece.  My wife’s older adult single brother is capable, but not seeking employment and also lives at home.

 

Mom hit up the wife a few times since we’ve been married pleading for large sums of money on top of the monthly allowance and my wife actually got pissed off and stopped talking with her for a while.  We still sent the monthly payment.  It sounds like the mom has money management issues and has repeatedly gotten herself in debt with the local loan sharks.  My wife had bailed her out several times over the past few years and is trying to be a good wife and not continue the enablement, but has doubled the monthly payments since she loves the family and feels she needs to send it.  She also says she loves her niece and wants to make sure she is taken care of.

 

Mom had some medical issues and we recently paid a few thousand USD to help her get the operations she needed to improve her life. 

 

All in all, with everything combined, we are looking at about 5k USD this year.  I want to respect my wife and her family, but also don’t want to allow this to get out of control and I see the payment situation potentially going downhill.  Now is the time to act.  We are going on vacation to visit the family in Thailand soon and it’s my wife’s first time back in about 5 years.  We want to assess the situation before we jointly make a decision.  I fully expect to provide some support lasting for the rest of mom’s life, but I want to minimize it to a reasonable / minimal level as I have my own retirement to plan for also.  I come from a family where we all financially take care of ourselves and our future so I am having trouble personally accepting this aspect of the culture but I do understand it exists.

 

I work full time and make an average income.  My wife works part time and makes a minimal income.  My wife does have an American degree and has said she would like to find a better job when we get back from vacation.  I’m thinking about pushing for 3k THB a month plus other one off expenses as we see appropriate and we can possibly increase this sum when my wife gets a decent paying job.  Mom continues to ask for things and it bothers me that her large extended family and brother do nothing to assist, but we are asked for financial help.  It seems we need to set proper expectations which in my mind would be first mom making prudential financial decisions and second, the family helping as a whole according to the means.  This is starting to seem reasonable, but unrealistic.  What is your advice given the situation?

 

I also know of a few mixed families who are / have in the past sent large quantities of money back regularly and it seemed the farang partner was getting milked and in some cases involved the Thai lady moving back home after a few years with a new paid off home back in Thailand and a financially drained ex.  I don't see this with my wife so far and don't predict it based on her character but don't want to end up in a situation that slowly edges to this over time.

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

 

[Fex Bluse]

If your wife wants to work, it is reasonable for her to send HER family money so long as it does not detract from any joint financial duties between the two of you. 

 

I would not send the mother any of YOUR money. And the easiest way to overcome this Thai nonsense is to do exactly what they do. 

 

Tell your wife that you have a sick/dumb/lazy/irresponsible bunch of relatives that you must support.

 

Play Thais at their own games.

 

Easy 

[OneMoreFarang]

It seems many Thai mothers demand as much as they can get and they make their daughters feel bad if they don't give mother what mother demands.

The problem is that your wife has to be strong to tell mother enough is enough. Your wife has to decide if she can tolerate the critic from her mother better or the critic from you. So it you don't make it absolutely clear that enough is enough then you will have that discussion forever and likely with higher demands all the time.

 

Personally I send the father or my gf 3,000B per month and maybe sometimes a thousand extra and that's it. My gf's mother died a long time ago. As far as I know Thai mothers are in general a lot more demanding.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

[Worldplus]

3K THB a month...wow... your getting off light..  I hear of lots of other people sending 10 times that..

 

To be honest..  I would send that amount.. The lazy ass brother will be putting pressure on ya wifes mother cos he sees it as easy money..

 

Let your wife pay with her money..  If you need to top it up with your own.. It cant be that much.. 100 usd a month is not a big amount..  Your wife seems like a level headed lady..  Good for her!!

 

Regards

[Farangwithaplan]

I'd put the proviso on that the lazy brother needs to have a job and you want to see real proof of employment before any increase is even considered. If lazy brother stops working, so does the arrangement.

 

 

[JaiLai]

I'd put the proviso on that the lazy brother needs to have a job and you want to see real proof of employment before any increase is even considered. If lazy brother stops working, so does the arrangement.
 
 

That’s funny


Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[CBBC]

I really appreciate the feedback / confirmation / advice.

 

I don't mind 3k and is sorta sounds like that's OK and reasonable.  I'm not thrilled at 6k per month for life.  We wouldn't be together if it were 10 times @ 30k :)  I see both of our money as both of our money.  Really with the law here, my income is her income so as I provide for everything pretty much, she shouldn't be giving too much of her money away just to live off of me.  I feel that's not what she really wants either.  Funny / sad thing came up in conversation over bringing gifts back and she didn't want to bring the lazy brother anything.  I talked her into getting some Levi's jeans or something like that for him.  I appreciate the comment that it has to come out of the wife's work so hopefully she can appreciate the work it takes to make it.  I think we need to set a limit and if she makes over a certain amount of $ in a month, then we can consider sending more.  We'll decide a limit and agree to stick with it.  Ya, she knows the lazy brother needs to work, but mom does nothing to encourage it and we are across the ocean over here with no say.

 

Thanks for your time.

[CBBC]

Actually, FarangWithAPlan, your right.  Cutting it off altogether until the brother brings home some verifiable bacon is reasonable.

[Farangwithaplan]

On 8/15/2019 at 8:43 AM, JaiLai said:

That’s funny


Sent from my iPhone using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

I'm here all week. Thank you, and good night!

[Farangwithaplan]

11 hours ago, CBBC said:

Actually, FarangWithAPlan, your right.  Cutting it off altogether until the brother brings home some verifiable bacon is reasonable.

I have no idea on your family's persona situation. But it might be unfair to cut off the initial 3k in support you have offered for some time. That could cause hardship for your mother in law. 3k can be the difference to eating properly and not eating properly here.

 

But any increase could be dependent on the brother getting off his butt and assisting the family.  It might actually snap the kid into gear and begin to make something of his life.

 

[colinneil]

CBBC why send money for your MILs medical needs?

She would come under the 30 baht health scheme, asking for money for that is a scam.

Your poor wife is being pressured into sending more money, it will never stop, only get worse.

Sadly you have no way out of this situation, because your wife feels she has to help her mother, nothing you can do or say will ever change that.

[bluesofa]

On 8/15/2019 at 6:23 AM, CBBC said:

Mom had some medical issues and we recently paid a few thousand USD to help her get the operations she needed to improve her life. 

As Colinneil mentioned, your MIL would more than likely qualify for the free healthcare option.

Did you (or rather your wife) ask to see the receipts for money your MIL allegedly paid for the operations?

Are you aware of what the operations were for - a new hip or a new nose?

[wtfracing]

On 8/15/2019 at 9:54 AM, CBBC said:

I really appreciate the feedback / confirmation / advice.

 

I don't mind 3k and is sorta sounds like that's OK and reasonable.  I'm not thrilled at 6k per month for life.  We wouldn't be together if it were 10 times @ 30k ????I see both of our money as both of our money.  Really with the law here, my income is her income so as I provide for everything pretty much, she shouldn't be giving too much of her money away just to live off of me.  I feel that's not what she really wants either.  Funny / sad thing came up in conversation over bringing gifts back and she didn't want to bring the lazy brother anything.  I talked her into getting some Levi's jeans or something like that for him.  I appreciate the comment that it has to come out of the wife's work so hopefully she can appreciate the work it takes to make it.  I think we need to set a limit and if she makes over a certain amount of $ in a month, then we can consider sending more.  We'll decide a limit and agree to stick with it.  Ya, she knows the lazy brother needs to work, but mom does nothing to encourage it and we are across the ocean over here with no say.

 

Thanks for your time.

Strange as it  is  the lazy brother in law scenario seems to be a common thing here I have one as well lol, my wife and I give my wife's mother 7000 baht per month ( she is pension age) plus she gets another 2000 baht per month from granddaughter and she gets free medical (wife was government worker) here and electricity is paid for by other brother in law. She survives ok on this amount but she is a thrifty women so if you  are giving your mother in law 6000 then she is not living the high life here but just surviving.

[spoon1967]

Yes, Thai Mothers can be demanding, many of them like to gamble, that toppled with the fact she has a young 6 year old Grandaughter, and a son who doesn't contribute, doesn't help.

 

I was married for 8 years and no matter how much I sent, my wife and her mother spent every penny, cards, lotto etc.  I built a house and set up a rubber plantation with 2600 trees, the house was because they lived in a one up wooden hut, outside toilets, shower, kitchen, the place was clean but not nice at all, and I wanted my son (now 7) to have a decent place to live, the plantation was to support my him, and save me paying them money every month.

 

Now divorced, I still send a little for my son, was 20K when married, then down to 8k, last month dropped it to 6K as they now get income from the plantation, next year it will be 4K, after that nothing, I have told them I want nothing from my investment in the plantation (on my sons grandfather's land), and the income is to support my son.  I will retire in 18 months time and live in LOS full time (I will be 53), I will still help with school uniforms, clothes etc, but I will not give them cash in hand. 

 

My wife has a new Thai husband and child and does not stay with my son, I refuse to go down the road of supporting her and her new family with handouts, yes she may get a piece of the rubber money, but I can't stop that.

 

Sorry to go on....but it's ok for your wife to send "her" money, but don't fall into the trap od supporting the extended family, of course the 6 year old girl take priority over everything. 

 

 

[scorecard]

On 8/15/2019 at 7:04 AM, Worldplus said:

3K THB a month...wow... your getting off light..  I hear of lots of other people sending 10 times that..

 

To be honest..  I would send that amount.. The lazy ass brother will be putting pressure on ya wifes mother cos he sees it as easy money..

 

Let your wife pay with her money..  If you need to top it up with your own.. It cant be that much.. 100 usd a month is not a big amount..  Your wife seems like a level headed lady..  Good for her!!

 

Regards

 

The cost of living in LOS has gone up substantially in the last couple of years and I'm aware that monthly payments sent home to mum (etc.) have gone up substantially.

 

I don't believe that because the lazy brother doesn't work this should cause a reduction in mum's payment. Sure he possibly gets some handout from mum which actually comes from what the family send to mum but I suggest there's a responsibility to ensure that mum has enough money to live with enough good food etc.

 

 

 

I d 

[RichardColeman]

When my wife moved to the Uk, she said that it was my responsibility to take care of her so she could work and send money home, as that was the Thai way. My response was we did not live in Thailand anymore and she had to help out with the bills if she was working. She moaned like hell just at having to pay the water bill ! 

Don't get me wrong,I was happy she send money back to her parents, but all her income seemed to go whilst I paid for everything. Now,this lady was not a bar girl, and had commitments to her family which I understood, but getting her to adapt was unreal.

She hates me to this day - she's now the only one of her friends to have been divorced by her husband as opposed to divorcing him ! My current Thai wife works and spends nearly all our income on our family as opposed to her family.

[AgMech Cowboy]

CBBC, I think you have been very generous with Mom, mind you when I first met my wife, I promised her 20,000 per month to buy food, etc. and do with as she pleased. That was 1999.  Over the course of time I also 'loaned' money to various family members. Only one has ever paid it back. Your wife works and has gone to University, she needs to be a bigger contributor to the family wealth.  I wanted my wife available to take care of our son and to travel when I was 'off' on holiday. So she did not work.

 

You've already mentioned that you've paid for one operation... Be prepared in future to say 'no'.  I said yes 8 yrs ago and my wifes mother did not fair well.  The op was successful, but she spent 3 or 4 weeks in intensive care.  She never 'really' walked again and died in our home after my wife and niece cared for her for 2 weeks.  The hospital, operation and doctor's bill was US$250,000 plus. We never really recovered from that. You don't know when those surgeries will go wrong. Say 'no' to them or buy her a health insurance policy.

[Snackbar]

 Culture is just an excuse for unacceptable behavior. Pretty much the way children act out until they realise what works and what doesn’t. 

 

Have a family and expect someone else to pay for it, risible. Like others have said, a Thai girl feels entitled and will not contribute to household liabilities. A Thai girl with nephews, nieces is expected to contribute, laughable. 

 

If a family member is in genuine need then, of course it’s up to others to assist, but not a responsibility. Calling it culture is a cop out of lazy and narrow minded selfish people. 

[BritManToo]

On 8/15/2019 at 6:23 AM, CBBC said:

Thanks for your advice.

How much do you send your mother?

[BritManToo]

2 hours ago, RichardColeman said:

Don't get me wrong,I was happy she send money back to her parents, but all her income seemed to go whilst I paid for everything.

That's how marriage works,

Everything she earns, she spends on herself.

Everything you earn gets spent on the household.

Doesn't matter what the nationality of the woman is.

[ThaiBunny]

1 minute ago, BritManToo said:

That's how marriage works,

Everything she earns, she spends on herself.

Everything you earn gets spent on the household.

Doesn't matter what the nationality of the woman is.

Isn't that one of the marriage vows that the woman makes - "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too"?

[PingRoundTheWorld]

On 8/15/2019 at 9:54 AM, CBBC said:

I see both of our money as both of our money.  Really with the law here, my income is her income so as I provide for everything pretty much, she shouldn't be giving too much of her money away just to live off of me.

I never understood the concept our "our" money. If I work and she sits on her ass (or in your case works less) then it's MY money - <deleted> the law. When you treat money like joint property you end up in fights over it because one side is always going to feel they're getting the short stick, and sometimes both sides feel that way. She should be contributing $X amount to the household according to what she can afford (she should be working full time if no kids!!), and beyond that it's HER money which she can piss away as she pleases. Same goes for you. If she wants to use her disposable income on her mom and brother instead of perfume and nice things - up to her.

[PingRoundTheWorld]

40 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

That's how marriage works,

Everything she earns, she spends on herself.

Everything you earn gets spent on the household.

Doesn't matter what the nationality of the woman is.

Sometimes I question your upbringing and what made you this way. My parents as I was growing up always shared the household expenses. They both worked full time, and my dad was making more than my mom so he typically paid for the bigger things while she paid for the smaller things. She was never a big spender and both of them put money away in savings/investments regularly.

 

 

The last girl I was living with (Japanese) was making about half as me but insisted on paying half the household expenses - said there's no reason why I should pay a bigger share than her. She wasn't a big spender either and would've been a great wife if it wasn't for her nutjob of a mother (there we go again...) who didn't want money, just to control her life.

 

[Isaanbiker]

Did you marry your wife, or her mom?

 

   6 K is enough and Thais have the 30 baht coverage should something happen.

 

    Yes, she seems to have serious financial issues that shouldn't be your concern, it only makes your marriage to a problem.

 

   But in reality, her mom means way more to her than you. 

[BritManToo]

4 hours ago, PingRoundTheWorld said:

They both worked full time, and my dad was making more than my mom so he typically paid for the bigger things while she paid for the smaller things.

Women are generally lazy, less motivated to work and earn money than men.

Why should his greater disposable income due to his harder work ethic be used to make up for her shortcomings?

Sorry it's 50/50 or it doesn't work.

And I've never found any women that even contributes 20 to his 80.

 

"She pays for the smaller things"

Yeah, same here, my gf brings home Grapow moo for me once a month, I pay for the house, utils and all the family food.

That makes us an equal partnership too.

Edited August 18, 2019 by BritManToo

[Tony125]

Sounds like Cheap Charlie---for one 3,000 baht a month is nothing. 6,000 baht monthly can help mom and should not be reduced because your  wife's lazy brother won't get a job. Why should the mother suffer for the sins of her son.  In Thai culture oldest daughter usually take care of mom but irregardless of that you know if from poor Issan family you and your wife can contribute to mom far more easily than any other family members making Thai wages in Issan. 

If she has a degree start using it and get a good job that she can help family in Thailand as well as help put away some for exspenses in USA.

[khunPer]

On 8/15/2019 at 1:23 AM, CBBC said:

What is your advice given the situation?

Families and needs are different.

 

Furthermore, as comment to your statement "I come from a family where we all financially take care of ourselves and our future so I am having trouble personally accepting this aspect of the culture but I do understand it exists"; in Thailand it is (still) widely expected that children, and often it's the daughters, takes care of parents, sometimes including grand parents, and minor members of a family.

 

6k baht a month doesn't sound scaring in my ears as support for a mom in her fifties, and also taking care of a 6 year old niece; even she has some income as self-employed from a street kitchen business. And that a son don't work, and still stay "home", is also heard of before.

 

A 6 year old alone can easily cost average 6k baht a month in expenses. Anyting between 5k baht and 10k baht a month in family support would not be unusual, and sometimes a family back home is supported with 15k baht a month.

 

Many farang-Thai couples I know that live abroad, meaning in the farang's home country, arrange it so that the Thai wife's income is hers, and she can decide what to do, including supporting her family; i.e. the husband provide the living expenses in his home country.

 

Other's make a fixed allowance for their wife, especially if the wife don't have an income of her own – including couples settled in Thailand – and if the wife need to support her family, she will do it from her allowance.

 

Extraordinary matters will normally be excluded.

 

But all families are different, and it's of course also a question of the family's income, and thereby capability to support, or rather how much. Children are often considered as "retirement saving", and a husband as a "provider". It's not that different from our own Western world in old time, but it's a major difference to our modern Western life-style, where one is saving up for retirement; consider it as a cultural gap that need to be accepted.

 

Bearing in mind that we are all different, my advice, given the situation, is:

 

Let your wife keep her salary, or a (reasonable) fixed monthly allowance, she freely can dispose of. If she wish to support her family, including her niece's schooling and education. Then it's her choice, and she "use her own money", including if she wish to set money aside to help with with extras.

 

When visting home, first time i 5 years, it's expected that your wife bring something – i.e. gifts, or plenty of food – and expect she will support her family with some little extra, often by leaving money behind, which could be anything from a few thousand baht, but hardly less than 5k baht. Again, consider it as a cultural gap, even it might sometimes be hard for us Westerners to accept it – I have experienced it myself, it is hard to accept in the beginning – but your wife, might loose face if she don't act as expected; and the family might loose face if a farang's wife cannot bring something to the family. "Face" is important in Southeast Asia, not only in Thailand, but "face" can be little difficult for us aliens to (fully) understand.

 

I believe most of us entering a Thai relationship have thoughts about just being a cash cow that is drained by a gold digger, but we also need to accept being part of a different family structure than at home, so we need to find an acceptable balance.

 

6k baht a month – and even some more – is in my view within a reasonable limit, but having the individual income situation in mind, any amount is relative. You need to find a for both parts reasonable balance together with your wife.

????

 

 

[DJ54]

I live in the NE village 6,000 is very fair as long as the Mama is getting most of it. My .... uhhh wife two nephews and niece have

been living at our house along with Mama and Papa.

 

Anyway i was going to go on a tangent but deleted it.. Takk with your wife and maybe Grandma is giving some to the children. Best

if you could have them do some minimal chore daily to show as

a reward.... 

 

For me that’s home me and siblings were brought up. Teaches the 

children a bit. But it’s not an easy one to put in place and understand why...

 

This is what I pay and its a ok. Her sister clean house everyday 7 days a week 5,000. Her older sister take care of 10 cows 24/7 5,000.

Mama 10,000 a month she cleans and does other RTHK ha always 

busy and looks out for me. Papa nothing what ever he can get off 

Mama and the children have a much get odds.

 

the brother send money 3,000 every month for the two boys he and his wife live in BKK and work moto taxi and not sure what his wife does but she’s works ( not the children Mom). She a bit older

than him and he’s like 28...

 

have you visited the village yet.... and yes a number of 20 something males sit around on the dole,.. but there also

plenty that work...

[elliss]

On 8/15/2019 at 7:04 AM, Worldplus said:

3K THB a month...wow... your getting off light..  I hear of lots of other people sending 10 times that..

 

To be honest..  I would send that amount.. The lazy ass brother will be putting pressure on ya wifes mother cos he sees it as easy money..

 

Let your wife pay with her money..  If you need to top it up with your own.. It cant be that much.. 100 usd a month is not a big amount..  Your wife seems like a level headed lady..  Good for her!!

 

Regards

 

         Let your wife pay with her money , please enlghten me .. 

          My wife has  only the salary , which i pay her mountly K15 , if she choose to supoort her mother , up to her . 

              I will not  directly , support her family . Not my problem ...

 

    

 

Edited August 18, 2019 by elliss

[1FinickyOne]

The old saying is that a Thai lady cannot be happy drinking out of fine crystal while her mother is drinking from a coconut shell...

 

The brother is a non-issue and if lazy, they already know he won't help out and accept that..

 

We give the mom and dad about 7k a month which is plenty for 2 people... they lead a simple life in a home next to ours. So, expenses are easily met and they have some extra money to give to other family members and have some dignity and enjoyment... they do not ask for extra... 

 

The borrowing from a loan shark is a real problem. Hopefully you can educate her that this is unacceptable and nobody can make those type of payments... 

 

My family is great. If they need money, I provide no interest loans and they do pay back... and they are appreciative. 

 

Good luck and good taking care of your wife... there is nothing more important to my wife beyond helping her family and sharing her good fortune.