How to live with Isaan wife in respect of culture

[thaibeachlovers]

2 minutes ago, possum1931 said:

Treat people well and most times they will treat you well, also, when they see how good you

are to your wife, and not drinking beer all the time (in my case none at all) that also goes a long way.

LOL. I didn't drink alcohol ( the BIL was a bad drunk though, so I never sat with them when he was drinking ), I treated my wife like a princess, I rewired 2 family houses at my own expense, always behaved politely to them, and they rewarded all that by stealing everything they could. 

Scum.

[puchooay]

1 hour ago, NanLaew said:

You are and always will be บักสีดา (baksida) as long as you are in Isaan.

Not true. I many parts of southern Issan you could be a "brang".

[BritManToo]

5 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

My family "borrowed" 50,000 baht for the MIL funeral from me, and never paid it back.

You can get a funeral for 10k, you were scammed for 40k.

[Tagged]

When marry an Isan girl, you also marry the family. Get used to it, or dont do it! 

 

So when choosing girl, you should take your time to get to know her family as well. Could save you from too mutt thinking later ????

[BritManToo]

1 minute ago, thaibeachlovers said:

LOL. I didn't drink alcohol ( the BIL was a bad drunk though, so I never sat with them when he was drinking ), I treated my wife like a princess, I rewired 2 family houses at my own expense, always behaved politely to them, and they rewarded all that by stealing everything they could. 

Scum.

My (former) Brit wife managed the same without any help from her family.

[timendres]

Just now, thaibeachlovers said:

There's always an exception. 

Anyway, perhaps she needed the exercise. I assume she kept the 5 baht for herself.

 

My family "borrowed" 50,000 baht for the MIL funeral from me, and never paid it back.

Not forgetting the 15,000 my wife "borrowed" off me, and never paid back.

Mind you, I was the stupid one for marrying her. They probably still laugh about the stupid farang that they conned for so much.

My wife was always very diligent about returning all change to me. I never cared, but she did.

 

As many have said, every person, and every family, is unique. It is very common to find Thai families that try to extract as much money as possible from the daughter's husband. Not just Farang, by the way, it is the curse of Thai men as well.

 

It is possible that the family did not think of it as they were "conning" you. If the family is poor, they simply see you as a stroke of good fortune. You are "rich" in their eyes, and can easily afford to make their lives better. My ex-girlfriend's family was so poor it was painful to observe. I was more than happy to spill my disposable money in their direction. But, they were always good about expressing their gratitude. But, as your story so clearly demonstrates, there are also families who can be parasites.

[NoshowJones]

2 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

LOL. I didn't drink alcohol ( the BIL was a bad drunk though, so I never sat with them when he was drinking ), I treated my wife like a princess, I rewired 2 family houses at my own expense, always behaved politely to them, and they rewarded all that by stealing everything they could. 

Scum.

Sorry to hear that, I think you were very unlucky.

[thaibeachlovers]

5 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

You can get a funeral for 10k, you were scammed for 40k.

They spent large on gifts for the monks, fed the village for 3 days etc. Then they kept all the gift money and gave me narry a satang.

[thaibeachlovers]

6 minutes ago, timendres said:

My wife was always very diligent about returning all change to me. I never cared, but she did.

 

As many have said, every person, and every family, is unique. It is very common to find Thai families that try to extract as much money as possible from the daughter's husband. Not just Farang, by the way, it is the curse of Thai men as well.

 

It is possible that the family did not think of it as they were "conning" you. If the family is poor, they simply see you as a stroke of good fortune. You are "rich" in their eyes, and can easily afford to make their lives better. My ex-girlfriend's family was so poor it was painful to observe. I was more than happy to spill my disposable money in their direction. But, they were always good about expressing their gratitude. But, as your story so clearly demonstrates, there are also families who can be parasites.

They were well off. Had loads of land by the village, 2 houses, bought a brand new 4 door pickup.

They did have good fortune- their sister married a sucker.

Mind you I didn't give them enough. My wife told me they wanted her to divorce me so she could marry a richer farang. The cousin married a rich farang that really did give it large and they obviously thought all farangs were rich, and I was just cheap Charlie. They got half their wish. She got divorced, but she's too old and angry to catch another ATM, so neither of us won. I know she was wonderful when we started living together, and we had a brilliant year together, then we got married and went to live with them in the village. Beginning of the end.

I still miss that first year when she was truly wonderful. Probably will till my dying breath.

[thaibeachlovers]

17 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

My (former) Brit wife managed the same without any help from her family.

My first ( western ) partner did too. My mistake was thinking Thai women were different.

[villagefarang]

I struggle with questions like this and even though I have seen people make some really horrible choices, I usually keep my opinions to myself.  Few people listen to advice when it comes to affairs of the heart and nobody knows how a relationship will turnout or how long it will last.

 

I spent twenty years creating a life for myself here in Thailand before I even considered getting married and I understand that is not an option for someone who is really old to begin with.  In a confusing new culture it might seem easier to hire a guide and translator, who also provides sexual favors, to help you cope.  In that scenario you have to be very lucky because you are basically a blind, deaf, mute and have little to base your choices on other than hormones and how you feel.

 

I am all about choices, and if you choose badly, there is very little chance of success in my opinion.  If you choose to jump before looking, there is little chance of changing course on the way down.  You just have to hope you survive the landing and can walk away from it.

 

Again, in my experience people just don’t listen, so do what makes you feel good, which in my case is smile and say nothing.????

[thaibeachlovers]

2 hours ago, ross163103 said:

Compromise and be very open minded. Also be advised that whatever you think is solely yours most Thai family members will view as theirs also. They will "borrow" items and not bring them back until asked, its a different culture that takes getting used too. Now go back and read my first sentence.

LOL.

When I was away for a couple of weeks the BIL "borrowed" my very expensive ( 5,000 baht ) electric drill. I returned and noticed it had gone from under the bed ( so the wife must have given it to him ) and asked her to get it back. She returned his older and much more battered same same drill to me. Didn't make any difference anyway, as after our divorce they kicked me out and stole everything, including it.

A huge impediment to our life regularly appeared in the guise of her nephew, who moved down every weekend to set up camp in our living room, and helped himself to our food and anything else he wanted. Of course the beloved refused to deal with it.

In the end I locked my fridge ( we had separate fridges as she had too much Thai food for one ), and moved all my non perishable food into the bedroom over weekends, so he only ate her food. I also refused to clean up after him, which annoyed her immensely.

There were two nephews, but only one was a rat bag. The other was polite, and never overstayed his welcome. Both brought up by granny while parents worked- strange how that happens.

[thaibeachlovers]

3 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

I struggle with questions like this and even though I have seen people make some really horrible choices, I usually keep my opinions to myself.  Few people listen to advice when it comes to affairs of the heart and nobody knows how a relationship will turnout or how long it will last.

 

I spent twenty years creating a life for myself here in Thailand before I even considered getting married and I understand that is not an option for someone who is really old to begin with.  In a confusing new culture it might seem easier to hire a guide and translator, who also provides sexual favors, to help you cope.  In that scenario you have to be very lucky because you are basically a blind, deaf, mute and have little to base your choices on other than hormones and how you feel.

 

I am all about choices, and if you choose badly, there is very little chance of success in my opinion.  If you choose to jump before looking, there is little chance of changing course on the way down.  You just have to hope you survive the landing and can walk away from it.

 

Again, in my experience people just don’t listen, so do what makes you feel good, which in my case is smile and say nothing.????

I had decades of experience in LOS, but only renting. Lived with the beloved for a year, after a considerable time still working in the UK and only holidays with her. Ticked all, the boxes I knew of, but she had a few more boxes I didn't know about that didn't come out till after the amphur.

I guess we never really know someone.

[sunnyboy2018]

15 hours ago, Yinn said:

In Issan they not have farang.

Only have paksida.

555. Yes Dah Ling!

[holy cow cm]

Just be aware that everyone is jealous and thinks you are a walking wallet or they think just the opposite. It all depends on the family, where your at and how smart you are. Poorer the family is the more you will need to make them happy. As for the siblings, they need to make their onw way in life and you are not their pot of gold. But remember, it was in the news this year up my northern way I think in Phrae that a brother hired 2-3 guys to kill his sister and the rich foreign husband.. Jealous of his sister and the rich guy and he wanted it all for free.. Foreigners are definitely not even close to assimilate there in Issan and so will always have something going on that is negative in a way. But then again they as well like to see their own folk fall and gossip is god. So is just t heir society on a whole. Yes, I did live in Issan for years over 26 years ago when it was even worse like the wild west.

[Yinn]

44 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

LOL. I didn't drink alcohol ( the BIL was a bad drunk though, so I never sat with them when he was drinking ), I treated my wife like a princess, I rewired 2 family houses at my own expense, always behaved politely to them, and they rewarded all that by stealing everything they could. 

Scum.

Where/how you meet the Scum?

[thaibeachlovers]

2 hours ago, Deerculler said:

Be careful about the way they can use the Thai culture or this the Thai way to get money from you.

And learn when to say no.

LOL.

About the last thing my wife said before I asked her if she wanted a divorce was "it's Thai culture to give family money", referring to my money.

[khunPer]

21 hours ago, Elzear said:

I understand the intra family support system, to which I fully adhere, but I sometime feel that my place is more among the furnitures (with love of course, but maybe a certain ... Thai disdain? or is it the rational thinking here), the missus being too busy living her life in the Ban. 

I love this place, let alone its people. Easy to adapt, but the circumvolution of the indigenous mind needs some understanding.

Many small daily things can end up as irritating problems, mainly because the foreigner don't understand the Thai-way-of-thinking – I'm talking from experience – the villagers don't think about, or know how, to communicate the details to the alien, even a girlfriend or wife might sometimes forget it.

 

Since my unexplained experiences a book has arrived on the scene, I read it, and suddenly almost all I was wondering about, or misunderstood, was enlightened. I can warmly recommend you to read this book that is written in both English – and translated a few other languages – and Thai, so both the foreigner, and the Thai partner, can read it. It also includes that the Thai partner can learn to understand farang-way-of-thinking, as that is explained as well...????

"Thailand Fever"by Chris Pirazzi & Vitrida Vasant, Paiboon, ISBN 1-887521-48-8. See more, including reading example, at thailandfever.com. Available online, or from Thai bookstores selling foreign language books.

 

In general, smiling and being polite, and wai the elder – and those of higher status – helps a lot for acceptance in the local community; I talk from positive experience...????

[thaibeachlovers]

1 minute ago, khunPer said:

In general, smiling and being polite, and wai the elder – and those of higher status – helps a lot for acceptance in the local community;

What about when the farang is the elder, and a lot higher status than the peasants in the village?

Does your book explain how to wai according to a thousand different criteria that Thais learn as soon as able to walk unaided?

[sunnyboy2018]

47 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

LOL. I didn't drink alcohol ( the BIL was a bad drunk though, so I never sat with them when he was drinking ), I treated my wife like a princess, I rewired 2 family houses at my own expense, always behaved politely to them, and they rewarded all that by stealing everything they could. 

Scum.

Why did you rewire houses? I dont understand western men who lavish undeserved wealth on inlaws. What people get foe free they do not value.

[sunnyboy2018]

Just now, thaibeachlovers said:

What about when the farang is the elder, and a lot higher status than the peasants in the village?

Does your book explain how to wai according to a thousand different criteria that Thais learn as soon as able to walk unaided?

The etiquette of waiing is not that complex. As with all cross cultural communications, even prosidic features of language are determined by manners and good intentions.

[thaibeachlovers]

6 hours ago, Skallywag said:

OP: Original Post, Original poster to topic., referring to the original poster

IMO: In my opinion

LOS: Thailand "Land of Smiles"

 

AFAIK : As far as I know

There are many acronyms used here, sometimes you can easily google them for definition, sometimes they are culture specific and unknown to those from other countries

Important to know what 5555555555555555555 means. Hint, repeat the Thai for 5 several times in close succession.

[stigar]

I lived before 6 years in Surin.Never ever agian at the small villages.Its so boring.Even i speak thai it doesnt help.Now i use to live in BKK.Everything is near,dont have to drive 30 km to the nearest 7/11.

I divorced my wife 5 year ago.Anyway i use to visit her family every time im in thailand.Thats because me and my exwife have 2 kids.My kids and exwife live in norway the last 8 years.

[4MyEgo]

21 hours ago, Elzear said:

I love this place, let alone its people.

 

21 hours ago, Elzear said:

G’day,

 

I am on the way to marry a charming lady from Isaan, Bueng Kan province. I have lived some times with her and family, and I am afraid my Farang’s rational thinking is not adequate. You farang husbands married to an Isaan woman, please tell me of your experiences and above all your advices. 

I understand the intra family support system, to which I fully adhere, but I sometime feel that my place is more among the furnitures (with love of course, but maybe a certain ... Thai disdain? or is it the rational thinking here), the missus being too busy living her life in the Ban. 

I love this place, let alone its people. Easy to adapt, but the circumvolution of the indigenous mind needs some understanding.

I thank you for your feed back

G'day and welcome to Isaan.

 

I too married a charming lady from Isaan well over a decade again too, she is still the same charming lady I met back then, i.e. she has not changed one bit.

 

I will provide you with my rational or philosophy of how we survive here in Isaan, now this might not be for you or anyone else, but it fits me (us) like a glove, and this thing about culture, well, that's her culture, not mine or ours and I will explain as we go along.

 

First and foremost, you are marrying her, not her family, so keep them well out of the picture, respect that they are her family, but not yours, and as soon as you try to please anyone outside of your circle of love, you will eventually become unhappy as a marriage is between two people, no one elses business, regardless of culture, and both my wife and I do not believe in the culural thing, except when she has to adhere to it to keep her family happy, but not if it interferes in our circle of love.

 

I have seen too many guys falls by the roadside in their marriage to Thai ladies because they don't know how to put down barriers or boarders, discussion is key, openness is as equally important, if you both cannot get those down pat, then you will have issues, e.g. you both have to 1st understand and respect that you are getting married because you both love each other and want to have a happy life together, you DO NOT want added stresses in you relationship as you grow, i.e. her family is her family and she has a right to her family, at the same time she has to put up a STOP sign to all and any demands, if she can't do that, you are burnt toast.

 

Only invest as much as you are prepared to lose, and for crying out aloud, don't go throwing money around like a farang, you are not at liberty to share your hard earned cash because you're such a nice idiot. If you are going to buy gold and or give the family a Sin Sot, read a lot more here, and keep it to a limit, remember, once you set a benchmark, the only way direction from there is up, and DO NOT spoil her, because it will be your problem at the end of the day to live with.

 

Enjoy her, and keep her family at bay, smile, but remember, it's her family, not your family to support.

 

If she can't handle the above, she is not for you, in my opinion, i.e. unless you like the woman on top ? 

[villagefarang]

@thaibeachlovers, While I get that you have had a very negative experience, I don't think it is logical or fair to assume everyone will end up as you did.  Equally it is not practical to assume everyone can live the life I have lived here in Thailand.

 

Maybe venting makes you feel better on some level but I think it keeps you from moving on.

[thaibeachlovers]

4 minutes ago, sunnyboy2018 said:

Why did you rewire houses? I dont understand western men who lavish undeserved wealth on inlaws. What people get foe free they do not value.

I rewired the village house because I didn't want to be electrocuted or burnt alive from a house fire caused by the unbelievably dangerous wiring. Earths are unknown apparently.

I rewired the other family house we lived in because I wanted more than one plug in a room, and didn't want to die of electrocution. The RCD I put in saved my life at least 2 times, but wouldn't have saved me from the exposed wire that was illegally joined to the main wire from the power pole BEFORE the circuit breaker.

 

[thaibeachlovers]

2 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

@thaibeachlovers, While I get that you have had a very negative experience, I don't think it is logical or fair to assume everyone will end up as you did.  Equally it is not practical to assume everyone can live the life I have lived here in Thailand.

 

Maybe venting makes you feel better on some level but I think it keeps you from moving on.

Actually I post my experience as a warning to those with the saffron glasses that read these threads. People can take my words as they are meant or not. Up to them.

Every time I read a post on the marriage and divorce subforum ( how appropriate to put both marriage AND divorce in the same subforum about Thailand ) I want to post a warning, but for most I resist, so not entirely mental, yet.

 

Can't move on. Absolutely.

My first failed relationship took 20 years to get over, and I'll be dead before I get over the recent one.

[rumak]

1 hour ago, thaibeachlovers said:

There's always an exception. 

Anyway, perhaps she needed the exercise. I assume she kept the 5 baht for herself.

 

My family "borrowed" 50,000 baht for the MIL funeral from me, and never paid it back.

Not forgetting the 15,000 my wife "borrowed" off me, and never paid back.

Mind you, I was the stupid one for marrying her. They probably still laugh about the stupid farang that they conned for so much.

sometimes trying to forget is the hardest thing in life  ....... 

[NanLaew]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

My (former) Brit wife managed the same without any help from her family.

And 'Asleep At The Wheel' isn't only a fine western swing band from Austin.

[khunPer]

18 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

What about when the farang is the elder, and a lot higher status than the peasants in the village?

Does your book explain how to wai according to a thousand different criteria that Thais learn as soon as able to walk unaided?

555, the farang will still be of lower status – as OP said it "furniture"...????

 

You sound like a wai-expert, so perhaps you will be kind and tell OP about the different wais a foreigner should master...