A Little Humor to start the new year

[pomchop]

This is a fun read. If you don’t know, Dave Barry is an American comedian who writes newspaper columns along with a few books.  Great read!

 

 



Jan

In other financial news, more and more people are buying “cryptocurrencies,” which appeal to investors because the cryptocurrency market is not controlled by the government. Instead it is controlled by 13-year-old Justin Weeblemonger of Teaneck, N.J., who runs the whole shebang out of his PlayStation 5. (Justin also controls airline fares.)

In sports, Georgia defeats Alabama in the AT&T Ram Trucks Allstate Capital One Disney Bob’s Burgers Dr Pepper Gatorade Siri Taco Bell Bowl to become champions of professional college football.

Feb

 

There is trouble in, of all places, Canada. The news up there is that the capital city, Ottawa (from the Algonquin word “adawe,” meaning “Washington”) is besieged by a massive protest convoy of trucks, clogging the streets, honking horns, blocking traffic and making it impossible for anybody to get anywhere. Granted, this is the situation pretty much every day in, for example, New York City, but apparently in Canada it is a big deal. As tensions mount, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, in a controversial move, invokes emergency powers enabling the government to freeze the protesters’ access to beaver pelts

 

On Feb. 24 the Russian army invades Ukraine. Everyone assumes the Russians will easily prevail, but the Ukrainians put up a surprisingly strong resistance (we are using the term “resistance” in the sense of “physically fighting back,” as opposed to “tweeting defiant hashtags”). Most of the world rallies around the underdog Ukrainians and their charismatic president, Volodymyr Zelensky, a former comedian and actor who is basically the opposite of Vladimir Putin. (Although to be fair, if Putin did comedy, he would kill.)

 

March

 

In entertainment news, the venerable Rolling Stones announce that they will hit the road this summer for their Drool on the Microphone Tour. This will be the Stones’ seventh tour since 2003, when their physical bodies finally disintegrated into small piles of dust and they were replaced by holograms. The good news is, ticket prices for the new tour will start as low as $150. The bad news is the $150 seats are so far from the stage that the sound will not reach them until after the concert is over.

 

April

In other leadership news, Florida’s combative Gov. Ron DeSantis, always looking for new things to combat, takes on an insidious threat to the state’s families and the American way of life: Disney. The issue is that Walt Disney Co. expressed an opinion deemed unacceptable by the governor, leaving him with no choice but to sign a law that would:

1. Strip Disney of its special legal status (currently it is classified as a “Kingdom”).

2. Require Donald Duck to put on a pair of pants.

3. Require Disney to, quote, “undo whatever it did to the governor’s official vehicle” (currently it is a pumpkin)

 

May

Americans learn that there is a new medical danger for them to be nervous about: “monkeypox.” The CDC, in an official statement, notes that there are “very few confirmed cases” and urges the public to “remain calm,” adding that “we all have to die sometime.”

Meanwhile parents scramble desperately to find baby formula amid a shortage that has left U.S. store shelves bare, although there are plentiful supplies abroad. In an emergency effort reminiscent of the legendary Berlin Airlift, the U.S. government provides temporary relief by using an Air Force transport plane to fly 35 tons of American babies to Germany. The operation is deemed a success, although, as an official noted, “afterward we had to burn the plane.”

The war in Ukraine continues but receives less and less coverage in the United States as Americans turn their attention to the historic Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard defamation trial. At issue is Heard’s 2018 Washington Post op-ed alleging that Depp, once the embodiment of cool in the role of dashing pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, has developed a case of face bloat and currently looks, quote, “like the owner of a struggling water-bed store.”

June

 

Johnny Depp wins his historic defamation lawsuit, with the jury ordering Amber Heard to repay the 783 billion person-hours the American public wasted watching the trial. The verdict unleashes a wave of thoughtful media think pieces the likes of which the nation has not seen since Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

 

July

In financial news, Elon Musk announces that he no longer wants to purchase Twitter and will instead use the $44 billion to buy two Springsteen tickets.

The House Jan. 6 committee, concluding Phase 1 of its investigation, votes unanimously to reinstall Donald Trump in the presidency so he can be impeached a third time. The committee also announces plans for “January 6: The Musical.”

In Moscow, a 7-year-old boy has his finger broken by a robot he is competing against in a chess tournament. We are not making this up. “The robot broke the child’s finger,” states Sergey Lazarev, president of the Moscow Chess Federation, adding, “This is, of course, bad.” The robot is immediately hired as director of customer relations by the U.S. airline industry.

August

a political firestorm is ignited when FBI agents search Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump’s personal residence and party rental venue, and seize classified documents as well as what a Justice Department source describes as “several thousand misappropriated packets of White House ketchup.” Trump declares that this is part of the Fake News Deep State Witch Hunt; his opponents declare that Trump is finally — This time IT’S REALLY HAPPENING, PEOPLE — going to be arrested for something. And thus the Donald Trump Show, now in its 373rd week, continues its seemingly interminable run on the center stage of American politics, like “The Phantom of the Opera,” except it never even gets to intermission.

In international news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lands in Taiwan, strips off her pink pantsuit to reveal a camo pantsuit underneath, swims across the Taiwan Strait and single-handedly destroys a Chinese naval base. At least that’s you would think happened, based on the Chinese reaction to the Pelosi visit, which is to almost start World War III. God only knows what would have happened if we had sent, say, Cher

California environmental regulators, always in the forefront of efforts to save the planet, decree that by the year 2035 it will be illegal for any vehicle on the state’s highways to have wheels

September

On a sadder note, the world mourns the death of Queen Elizabeth II, the beloved monarch who reigned over the United Kingdom during its transition from the center of a vast global empire to a popular tourist destination roughly the size of a pickleball court. She is succeeded by her 143-year-old son, King Charles the Uncomfortable, who will be officially crowned next year in a traditional British ceremony-gasm featuring numerous horses.

October

Speaking of money: Elon Musk announces that he has decided to buy Twitter after all, because the only Springsteen tickets he could get for $44 billion were “way the hell up in the balcony.”

Abroad, Liz Truss resigns as prime minister of the United Kingdom after a turbulent term lasting a little under 14 minutes. She is replaced by Rishi Sunak, whose name can be rearranged to spell “Is A Hunk, Sir.” In China, President Xi Jinping wins an unprecedented third term when delegates to the Communist Party congress unanimously elect, after careful consideration, not to die.

November

as the historic midterm elections approach, with the fate of democracy hanging in the balance, verified blue check mark media personalities on Twitter focus with a ferocious intensity on the single most critical issue facing the nation, if not the world: the status of verified blue check mark media personalities on Twitter.

The problem is that Elon Musk intends to charge people $8 a month for a blue check mark, which would mean any nonelite rando could get one, which would be a blatant violation of the U.S. Constitution’s Twitter Verification Clause. Some verified users go so far as to declare, on Twitter, that they are seriously considering leaving Twitter, although it is not immediately clear what they would do with the extra 14 hours per day.

The verified drama on Twitter is interrupted, briefly, by the midterm elections. For weeks the political experts, relying on Scientific Polling Data, have been predicting a Red Wave, with the Republicans taking control of the House and Senate as well as large swaths of Canada. The outlook is so dire that the New York Times tweets out a list of five “evidence-based strategies” for coping with election anxiety, including — we swear we are not making this up — “Plunge your face into a bowl with ice water for 15 to 30 seconds.”

But then the voters — who do not have access to Scientific Polling Data — go to the polls. It takes a while to get the final results, in part because Arizona has chosen to tabulate the vote on a malfunctioning Etch-a-Sketch. But in the end the Red Wave turns out to be more of a pinkish squirt, with most of the candidates belonging to the Republican Party’s Loon Wing losing.

It’s a good outcome for the Democrats, not counting the 14 New York Times readers who, tragically, drown in their ice-water bowls

In finance, the big story is the catastrophic collapse of cryptocurrency giant FTX, which implodes as stunned investors discover that maybe it’s not such a great idea to trust your money to a company with a meaningless name and an incomprehensible business model headed by the fourth runner-up in a John Belushi look-alike contest.

Meanwhile the World Cup gets underway in Qatar, a small desert nation with no soccer tradition that was chosen to host the world’s biggest tournament by officials of FIFA, soccer’s global governing body, as part of an effort to extend the reach of their sport into regions of the world capable of paying very large bribes.

Speaking of scandals: Entertainment-industry giant Ticketmaster comes under intense criticism when millions of disappointed Taylor Swift fans discover that all of the tickets to Swift's upcoming concert tour have been purchased by Bruce Springsteen.

December

On the political front, there’s a refreshing new “vibe” in Washington as the two major parties, finally past the toxic nastiness of the midterm elections, look forward to the new year — an opportunity to end the cynical partisan gamesmanship and instead seek common ground in a sincere effort to solve the problems that the American people actually care about, such as the epidemic of illegal drugs that we apparently ingested before writing this sentence.

the World Cup, in a major upset, is won by the plucky underdog national team of Qatar, which did not, technically, win any games, but nevertheless is awarded the championship trophy thanks to what FIFA officials describe as “a huge amount of sportsmanship.”

So at the moment the situation appears grim. And yet there are plenty of reasons to feel hopeful about the future. To name just a few: (NOTE TO EDITOR — Please insert some reasons to feel hopeful about the future, if you can think of any).

Thus it is with a feeling of guarded optimism that we, as a nation, reach the end of this disturbing year and, thankfully, enter the holiday season. The festivities are somewhat subdued this year, as inflation forces consumers to cut back; according to the U.S. Commerce Department’s Bureau of Conifer Statistics, the Median Household Christmas Tree Height (MHCTH), which last year was “LeBron James,” currently stands at “Danny DeVito.”

But it’s still the holidays, a time when we gather with loved ones from near and far, assuming the ones from far were able to sell enough blood plasma to afford the airfare. So let’s forget about the year we just went through. Let’s give our loved ones a big old holiday hug, and enjoy this moment.

And on New Year’s Eve, as we prepare, nervously, to face 2023, let’s be sure to have a big calming bowl of ice water handy when the clock reaches midnight, and we say:

Happy New (GLUB).

 

 

 

 

 

[KannikaP]

It'll take me til the New Year to read all that!

[Adumbration]

I thought is was very poorly written and not even funny.

 

If you enjoy written comedy get your self a copy of Republican Party Reptile.

[Thailand J]

Dave Barry of The Miami Herald.

This is his best:

[pomchop]

20 minutes ago, Adumbration said:

I thought is was very poorly written and not even funny.

 

If you enjoy written comedy get your self a copy of Republican Party Reptile.

maybe barry not for all but he has sold millions of books so not all agree with you...i ceased finding  humour in the repbulican party when the clown got elected..

[Adumbration]

3 minutes ago, pomchop said:

maybe barry not for all but he has sold millions of books so not all agree with you...i ceased finding  humour in the repbulican party when the clown got elected..

Google Repulican Party Reptile.  The book is not really about politics.  But if you do want political satire try PJ's other book Parliament of Whores.

[Isaan sailor]

Thanks for posting.  Need some humor, especially after viewing currencies.

[allanos]

American humour for sure, and not to everyone's taste. Barry is

playing to a large audience so no particular surprise that he

has successfully pandered to it.

[jimn]

American humour I am afraid. I always wondered why Americans laugh at some comedy shows that are never even remotely funny. Now I know why. If this guy is a top writer I would hate to see the rest.

[pomchop]

4 hours ago, jimn said:

American humour I am afraid. I always wondered why Americans laugh at some comedy shows that are never even remotely funny. Now I know why. If this guy is a top writer I would hate to see the rest.

i am sure he is laughing all the way to the bank.

[billd766]

On 12/27/2022 at 10:08 AM, Adumbration said:

I thought is was very poorly written and not even funny.

 

If you enjoy written comedy get your self a copy of Republican Party Reptile.

I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I have always enjoyed Dave Barry's writing.

 

But could you have done any better?

 

There are still 3 days of 2022 left for you to try.