Is it okay to lie to your partner of 5 years?

[Isan Wanderer]

I've been living with my gf in Isan for 2.5 years and met her 5 years ago. Lately she's been having a lot of mood swings and been arguing with me over minor things. Today I got confirmation that she's been lying to me about her whereabouts. I started to have doubts as she didn't pick up the phone a few times over the last weeks and told me hard-to-believe stories like "I got a flat tire but there was no nail". Then why didn't she call me while she was waiting for it to get it topped up for 2 long hours??

 

So I decided to check her Google Maps timeline history and sure enough there was no flat tire, she was actually in some remote village that I have never been to. She was there for many hours several times over the last few weeks. So now I'm thinking either she's cheating on me (unlikely, at least I really hope not) or she's been gambling at card games ("casino" like they call it over here). She used to play that casino game early in our relationship and lost huge amounts of money. I managed to make her quit that addiction and now I'm worried she might have been playing again... She started gambling on her phone lately but it's been like 200-400 bahts a day which isn't too bad. I give her 20k baht a month no strings attached but I really don't want my hard earned money to go to waste like that.

 

Anyway, I need to stay cold headed about this because she doesn't know I know she's been lying. I wouldn't be mad if she's been gambling, I just want her to be honest with me, I just don't want her to lie to me so openly. My trust in her is pretty much shattered at this point. I'm tempted to drive up to that remote village next time her phone pings there to find out what she's been up to but this might end up badly... I'm looking for advice here, I don't want our relationship to end like that after 5 years together

[PR3]

I can't give advice on something which is of great importance to you as in your relationship.

However I can tell a story.... many years ago I had a similar situation with a long term gf who wouldn't pick up the phone and had all manner of bs excuses as to why she wasn't available, flat battery flat tyres etc etc.

I sort of stuck my head in the sand and hoped for the best as I wasn't ready to deal with what I thought maybe have been going on.

Because of this I never found out she was messing around with other guys until one of them got so jealous (I spent more time with her) he sent me pictures of them together one of them in the bedroom too.

Needless to say the relationship went south and of course cost a few quid too.

Not suggesting that's going on in your case at all and try not to think that.

You do need to find out where she's going and what she's doing.

Since she makes all sorts of excuses already I'm not sure you'll get any honesty if you ask but you know her and I don't.

Really; you need to know what's going on for the sake of peace of mind and to give you some sort of direction.

I hope its just gambling and nothing else.

Good Luck I hope you work it out.

 

PR3

[hughrection]

Either she is getting pumped or she is playing cards and gambling. One is as bad as the other. End it and move on. It's not like there is a shortage of available Thai women who are looking for a foreigner to settle down with.

[brianthainess]

37 minutes ago, Isan Wanderer said:

She used to play that casino game early in our relationship and lost huge amounts of money. 

Run forest run, i have no time for gambling GFs, next loan sharks will come a knocking.

[Isan Wanderer]

Thank you guys. We're both in our thirties and get regular bedroom action so I really doubt she's cheating on me but you never know I guess. She might be gambling or it might be something else that I can't think about right now.

 

Ending our relationship isn't gonna be easy because we spent the last 2 years building our dream home here in the rice fields. This morning we were even talking with the neighbor about buying their land to expand our property. She loves her little garden here and so do I. It's a nice place. We truly love it here. If we split up, we will both lose it.

 

I bought the land for 500k two years ago and spent an extra 200-300k on home improvements. We've printed the usufruct but have yet to get it stamped at the Land Office. So the "chanod" (red bird document) is only under her name for now... I don't want to lose it all just on some assumptions that might be wrong.

[brianthainess]

Visiting her "Brother" maybe.

[NextG]

No; it isn’t. Start planning your exit. 
Gambling, lying… Perhaps you think it’s what you deserve. If not, start planning your exit. 

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

1 hour ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Today I got confirmation that she's been lying to me about her whereabouts.

Maybe she's the real "Isan Wanderer"!  ????

 

[Isan Wanderer]

2 minutes ago, NextG said:

No; it isn’t. Start planning your exit. 
Gambling, lying… Perhaps you think it’s what you deserve. If not, start planning your exit. 

It really hurts to hear that but I think you're right...

 

Though the only thing I'm sure about right now is she's been lying. I really need to drive up to that village and confront her next time she's there. Feels like it's the only way to plan the next step of our relationship...

[stoner]

11 minutes ago, Isan Wanderer said:

we spent the last 2 years building our dream home here in the rice fields.

ummmm :(

[stoner]

1 minute ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Though the only thing I'm sure about right now is she's been lying. I really need to drive up to that village and confront her next time she's there. Feels like it's the only way to plan the next step of our relationship...

confrontation won't go over well. especially up in isan. 

[Isan Wanderer]

1 minute ago, stoner said:

confrontation won't go over well. especially up in isan. 

I know, people really hate to lose face over here! But other choice do I have to find out what's she's been up to?

[BritManToo]

20 minutes ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Ending our relationship isn't gonna be easy because we spent the last 2 years building our dream home here in the rice fields. This morning we were even talking with the neighbor about buying their land to expand our property. She loves her little garden here and so do I. It's a nice place. We truly love it here. If we split up, we will both lose it.

Her property not our property.

I'd just leave without telling her, while she's at her 'remote village'.

Chuck your sim and never accept contact with/from her again.

 

PS. that's what I did with my last one, she went off for a week to nurse her sick mother, she even took her 'naughty nurse' cosplay outfit with her. When she got back I'd moved elsewhere and I never spoke with her again.

Edited July 5, 2023 by BritManToo

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

31 minutes ago, hughrection said:

Either she is getting pumped or she is playing cards and gambling.

You're leaving out the possibility of her meeting up with a Tom GF... which I guess could include getting "pumped"... depending on their style...  ????

 

[BritManToo]

Just now, Isan Wanderer said:

I know, people really hate to lose face over here! But other choice do I have to find out what's she's been up to?

Forget what she's been up to, curiosity killed the cat.

[Isan Wanderer]

BTW I forgot to mention that we spend 99% of our time together (I work from home) and she never locks her phone. I'm pretty sure I would know if she had been messing with other guys.

[Isan Wanderer]

5 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Her property not our property.

I'd just leave without telling her, while she's at her 'remote village'.

Chuck your sim and never accept contact with/from her again.

No way I'm giving up on nearly 1 million baht investment and an even bigger emotional attachment to this home just on a hunch. This is my first ever home and if I have to spend big bucks on a lawyer to keep it, I will certainly do it.

[HauptmannUK]

You need to follow her over to that village and find out what's going on! Given that she's lied about her whereabouts this is probably not going to turn out well for you.

I have seen the results of ladies gambling in my wife's village and it can get very ugly.  Loan sharks turning up with guns (really!) and loss of house and land.

Of course at the moment you are living on your wife's land in her house. Personally I think those usufruct's are worthless. Could you really continue to live there if you split up?  Even if you tried to, it might not be good for your health (especially if there is another guy involved).

I would hope its nothing too sinister, but prepare for the worst. If she's involved with another guy then get out of there very quickly, your life could be in danger.

[BritManToo]

4 minutes ago, HauptmannUK said:

You need to follow her over to that village and find out what's going on! Given that she's lied about her whereabouts this is probably not going to turn out well for you.

More likely she's visiting her Thai husband and kids.

[bignok]

Why do you need guys on a forum to run your relationship? 

[sidjameson]

Once trust is gone what's the point!

1 million is 30k a month rent for the 2.5:years together in the house.

Bad, but not the worst.

 

If cheating...run

If gambling AGAIN ...run

If volunteering in local animal shelter ...stay

 

But pay a women same age as you 20k a month....wtf!!!

[Trippy]

Maybe this is a crazy idea, but why don't you just calmly talk to her about it, and tell her you know she's lying.

 

And if the land is in her name, and your not married, do you really have any rights to it?

[Isan Wanderer]

4 minutes ago, sidjameson said:

But pay a women same age as you 20k a month....wtf!!!

Well she spends most of it to buy market food for me and her family so that's fine by me because I don't like to go to markets... even though the food is delicious.

[Olav Seglem]

Next time she say she go, say you come along 

Then see what happen.

[Isan Wanderer]

1 minute ago, Trippy said:

Maybe this is a crazy idea, but why don't you just calmly talk to her about it, and tell her you know she's lying.

 

And if the land is in her name, and your not married, do you really have any rights to it?

Yes that would be ideal but then how would I know if she tells me the truth or just another lie...

 

Regarding the land, I'm aware I have pretty much no rights to it but this is Thailand and I can afford a much more expensive lawyer than she can if it really comes down to that...

[Trippy]

5 minutes ago, Isan Wanderer said:

Yes that would be ideal but then how would I know if she tells me the truth or just another lie...

 

After 5 years together, can't you tell? But on the other hand, if the trust is gone, it might never come back.

Good luck.

[zzaa09]

38 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Forget what she's been up to, curiosity killed the cat.

If one has trust and suspicion issues at every turn.....probably shouldn't be with anyone. 

This trait is on him, not on her. 

And.....I wouldn't want to make such deep personal situations or matters public. 

Don't know what the principle purpose of such OPs might be - unless they crave unwanted attention. 

Edited July 5, 2023 by zzaa09

[bignok]

26 minutes ago, sidjameson said:

volunteering in local animal shelter ...stay

Why would she do that and lie

[OneMoreFarang]

I wouldn't go to that special place. Because if you are there, then spontaneously bad things might happen. Avoid!

 

First, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't believe her BS stories. Ask her to tell you what's going on. And maybe add some words like: Or I will find out what is going on.

I.e. you could ask other people if they saw her somewhere, you obviously don't want to mention Google.

 

If she admits something or from then on, she doesn't disappear anymore, then maybe all can be fine again.

 

If she continues to go there and tells you BS stories, then maybe send someone over there and look what is at that place. But obviously be careful.

But also ask yourself: Do I really need to know if she is with another man, or in a casino? Or is the fact that she consistently lies to me reason enough to end this?

Maybe ask yourself: What would I do if I find our she gambles (and loses money)? What would I do if I find out she has sex with one guy or different guys? Do you really want to know?

[NextG]

37 minutes ago, Isan Wanderer said:

I know, people really hate to lose face over here! But other choice do I have to find out what's she's been up to?

Tell her that somebody saw her near(not the village, but somewhere in between) when she was supposed to have had the flat tyre. Don’t let her know that you know the actual village. She won’t know who you know or who saw her. Mood swings, lies, gambling…. Do you seriously want to live your life with someone like that? ‘Bedroom action’ shouldn’t sway your decision. 
If she cannot talk it out calmly; you’ll have to put up or get rid. 
Problem is if she is cheating, she won’t admit it. Even if you went there… what would you expect to see? If you went just to gather evidence, everyone would know since you would be the only foreigners around for miles. The crux of the matter being that you need to be prepared to get rid if she wants to play hardball and not be honest. Otherwise, why bother to even check?