Am I Being Culturally Insensitive?

[garro]

My mother-in-law is trying to convince my wife that our baby's name, which I choose, is unlucky and that is why he cries so much. She wants us to change it.

I have said no way.

Am I being culturally insensive and unfair.

"A rose by another name is still a rose and smells as sweet..." I would just chill-out and relax. A name is just that, a name and nothing more. If they want to change the baby's name big deal. Thais are always changing their names because they think some other one is luckier or they are turning over a new leaf in some aspect of their llives and they want a new name to go with it. They do this officially...I gather it's not much of a hasstle to do this in LOS for the very reason that they believe this is such an important thing to do when necessary.

It may not seem a big deal to you but it is important to me. My son has a Thai name and an English name and it is this English name 'Timmy' that is bothering my mother-in-law. My own family is not able to have much involvement in my son's life because we live in Thailand so I thought that the least we could do was provide him with a name that they could pronounce and didn't change every week, especially as this is their first and only grandson.

My son is a product of two cultures and not just one.

Edited August 30, 2007 by garro

[WaiWai]

Quite right, Garro.

I would be hesitant about consulting the monk as their words would then have to be the authority for future decisions. I think you have to take more personal control of this.

[jonniebkk]

My mother-in-law is trying to convince my wife that our baby's name, which I choose, is unlucky and that is why he cries so much. She wants us to change it.

I have said no way.

Am I being culturally insensive and unfair.

"A rose by another name is still a rose and smells as sweet..." I would just chill-out and relax. A name is just that, a name and nothing more. If they want to change the baby's name big deal. Thais are always changing their names because they think some other one is luckier or they are turning over a new leaf in some aspect of their llives and they want a new name to go with it. They do this officially...I gather it's not much of a hasstle to do this in LOS for the very reason that they believe this is such an important thing to do when necessary.

It may not seem a big deal to you but it is important to me. My son has a Thai name and an English name and it is this English name 'Timmy' that is bothering my mother-in-law. My own family is not able to have much involvement in my son's life because we live in Thailand so I thought that the least we could do was provide him with a name that they could pronounce and didn't change every week, especially as this is their first and only grandson.

My son is a product of two cultures and not just one.

Garo...I am not suggesting you have no right to your opinion on this matter or that it is not important to you. It must be as you are willing to engender strife and disharmony in your family over the matter. I am only suggesting that you are making a bit deal out of nothing but a certain arrangement of the letters of the alphabet. I also understand that this western name is related in some way to one of your other relatives. I still don't see why this makes the matter something worth a family fued over. Why do you have such a strong attachment to things that are of little real importance and so little to really important ones, like family harmony??

[garro]

My mother-in-law is trying to convince my wife that our baby's name, which I choose, is unlucky and that is why he cries so much. She wants us to change it.

I have said no way.

Am I being culturally insensive and unfair.

"A rose by another name is still a rose and smells as sweet..." I would just chill-out and relax. A name is just that, a name and nothing more. If they want to change the baby's name big deal. Thais are always changing their names because they think some other one is luckier or they are turning over a new leaf in some aspect of their llives and they want a new name to go with it. They do this officially...I gather it's not much of a hasstle to do this in LOS for the very reason that they believe this is such an important thing to do when necessary.

It may not seem a big deal to you but it is important to me. My son has a Thai name and an English name and it is this English name 'Timmy' that is bothering my mother-in-law. My own family is not able to have much involvement in my son's life because we live in Thailand so I thought that the least we could do was provide him with a name that they could pronounce and didn't change every week, especially as this is their first and only grandson.

My son is a product of two cultures and not just one.

Garo...I am not suggesting you have no right to your opinion on this matter or that it is not important to you. It must be as you are willing to engender strife and disharmony in your family over the matter. I am only suggesting that you are making a bit deal out of nothing but a certain arrangement of the letters of the alphabet. I also understand that this western name is related in some way to one of your other relatives. I still don't see why this makes the matter something worth a family fued over. Why do you have such a strong attachment to things that are of little real importance and so little to really important ones, like family harmony??

Who said anything about a family feud?

My mother-in-law also wanted to feed my baby dirty water. Should I go along with this for family harmony?

As I said we have two names for our baby; a Thai name and a Western name.

The western name is to keep my family happy and it seems only fair and most importantly both myself and my wife like it.

If my baby ever decides that he wants to change his name he has my blessing.

[Robski]

If his English name is Timmy, how would she know that it is unlucky? How many Timmy's are there in rural Thailand?

She's got issues..

Get a grip mate.

Samran raised a good point though, my friends second daughter would cry a lot, so instead of fussing her he would put some music on and she would calm down and sleep, I've heard that a ticking clock has the same effect, she is also very clever at maths now which is apparantly a by product of children being exposed to music at an early age, and no thats not superstition.

[garro]

If his English name is Timmy, how would she know that it is unlucky? How many Timmy's are there in rural Thailand?

She's got issues..

Get a grip mate.

Samran raised a good point though, my friends second daughter would cry a lot, so instead of fussing her he would put some music on and she would calm down and sleep, I've heard that a ticking clock has the same effect, she is also very clever at maths now which is apparantly a by product of children being exposed to music at an early age, and no thats not superstition.

Hi Robski, it is not that she has a problem with the name 'Timmy' as she liked it when it was originally chosen three weeks ago.

It is more to with the fact that he cries a lot at night and so she thinks this means that he doesn't like his name and that we should keep changing his name we find one he likes. The fact that he is called the same name during the day and doesn't cry much hasn't entered into her considerations.

[jonniebkk]

My mother-in-law also wanted to feed my baby dirty water. Should I go along with this for family harmony?

Obviously feeding dirty water to a baby does not equate with a particular arrangement of letters of the alphabet. I never suggested you abandon common sense...only clinging to that which is of little importance and realizing the difference between the two.

[garro]

I am sorry jonniebkk but I am having difficulty following the logic in your posts.

I strongly get the impression that you are just posting for the sake of argument but I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

My wanting my son to have one name that my own family can pronounce does not seem to me to be a sign of 'clinging' or 'attachment' to a collection of letters of the alphabet. My own family, like my wife's, have feelings and opinions which deserve equal respect.

Perhaps your post would make more sense if you were less attached to your own opinions and more receptive of other people's,

Edited August 30, 2007 by garro

[cdnvic]

Bottom line, it's your kid to raise and the rest of the family has to understand that.

[tijnebijn]

Bottom line, it's your kid to raise and the rest of the family has to understand that.

I agree totally . Why bother with what people think ?

People think too much , thats for sure.

[WaiWai]

Garro, I think it's quite clear that nobody thinks you're being culturally insensitive.

How you deal with this issue is the big question. Perhaps you should just make a direct (polite, unemotional) statement of your wishes to your Mother in Law (Western style). Perhaps you should just ignore her idea (Thai way, plus another idea may come along tomorrow).

Either way, make sure you get her name wrong . (Kidding, of course.)

How's the rice situation ?

[garro]

Garro, I think it's quite clear that nobody thinks you're being culturally insensitive.

How you deal with this issue is the big question. Perhaps you should just make a direct (polite, unemotional) statement of your wishes to your Mother in Law (Western style). Perhaps you should just ignore her idea (Thai way, plus another idea may come along tomorrow).

Either way, make sure you get her name wrong . (Kidding, of course.)

How's the rice situation ?

Thanks Wai Wai, my wife has now made the situation clear to my mother-in-law that the name isn't going to change. I thought it was quite significant that my sister-in-law, who lives with my mother-in-law, visited this afternoon and continued to use the name 'Timmy'.

My wife's family wishes to shave the babie's head at one month and I am willing to go along with this. Her mother also wants to make another offering to ghosts and I won't object to this even though it goes against my Buddhist beliefs.

Edited August 30, 2007 by garro

[WaiWai]

You seem to be dealing with it all very intelligently .

[Jim's_a_Thai_Fox]

Hi garro,

sorry to this is causing your MiL such grief.

Peronally, I reckon cdnvic's posts are both sport on - she is not the only one with 'culture' to consider, i.e. you have some too, and it's not her kid to raise anyway.

All the best with ironing out this issue. I hope that the kid is indeed a healthy, although loud, nipper and it turns out he's simply equipped with a good set of lungs on him.

James

[tijnebijn]

So long things does not hurt your child , lets go along with it then , just to please them with something.

Sounds like you family in law seems to know everything better , and that their way is the only way.

Not knowing what real Buddhism is all about , in fact they are very superstitious .

So long they do not push you , I think like you to let it go along then , but it sounds like there is more to come .

[garro]

So long things does not hurt your child , lets go along with it then , just to please them with something.

Sounds like you family in law seems to know everything better , and that their way is the only way.

Not knowing what real Buddhism is all about , in fact they are very superstitious .

So long they do not push you , I think like you to let it go along then , but it sounds like there is more to come .

Thank you tijnebijin. I hope you are wrong about the more to come.

[lannarebirth]

My view is that there are great advantages and disadvantages to cross cultural unions/families. If a child is fortunate enough to be imbued with the best of Thai culture and the best of Western culture, they can count themselves very fortunate indeed. They'll not only be compassionate witha "feeling heart, but they'll be able to apply critical thinking to whatever obstacles life throws in their path. Too many times I've seen one parent or another, be unable to say NO, to what he knows is wrong about the other culture(for the sake of momentary harmony, or apathy). Then not only is the child getting something that's not good for him, but he sees he has a parent that can't be bothered to protect him from it. The child then ends up getting the worst things each culture offers.

I'm all for "honoring" the local culture, but it has to stop when your childs health and development are at stake. I fear garro, you'll have a long string of run ins with the MIL, unless in the kindest way possible you let her know now, her role in your family is but a peripheral one. Good Luck, and congratulations again on little Timmy.

Edited August 30, 2007 by lannarebirth

[tijnebijn]

I fear it also (I really hope it will not), because I know these kind of Thai families.

They won't let their child grow up , so they push her like they always have done .

It is a bit for your wife to clear this attitude up a bit , she is in a relationship now , and is not the

little baby girl anymore , kids grow up .

It would not surprise me they(the in laws) gave your wife everything she wanted , very dependent on them.

Apparently they are very happy with little Timmy and want everything to go well and perfect in what they think

should be , they already show this kind of behavior(pushy) , which is the scary part .

The good thing is they do love your wife dearly and want to protect that which is natural.

I think the feeling with this is like the overly jealous husband or wife , it is too much and its getting scary

and uncomfortable.

For me to avoid those things is to move a 'Ampuh ' further , so they won't have the chance to interfere .

[PeaceBlondie]

Garro, tell your Thai in laws that your Irish family has had Timmy and Timothy names for generations, centuries, aeons, and it's the luckiest name in Thailand besides Patrick. Tell them your mother/aunt/sister back in your old country is superstitious about changing names; it's absolutely, culturally taboo in Eire. Make up any Irish troll/ghost/story to beat their Thai ghosts. Tell them if you changed Timmy's name, his grandmother McGillicuddy would disown you. Tell them...whatever.

[Robski]

If his English name is Timmy, how would she know that it is unlucky? How many Timmy's are there in rural Thailand?

She's got issues..

Get a grip mate.

Samran raised a good point though, my friends second daughter would cry a lot, so instead of fussing her he would put some music on and she would calm down and sleep, I've heard that a ticking clock has the same effect, she is also very clever at maths now which is apparantly a by product of children being exposed to music at an early age, and no thats not superstition.

Hi Robski, it is not that she has a problem with the name 'Timmy' as she liked it when it was originally chosen three weeks ago.

It is more to with the fact that he cries a lot at night and so she thinks this means that he doesn't like his name and that we should keep changing his name we find one he likes. The fact that he is called the same name during the day and doesn't cry much hasn't entered into her considerations.

Thanks for clearing that up. You've always come across as a very happy go lucky fella and not easily swayed by fools.

I don't have children myself, but I know it is life changing and it would seem that the experience, culture difference included, has got you in a bit of a spin.

I hope that posting here has helped you get back on an even keel, and I hope your good wife continues to support your point of view.

Kind regards and best of luck mate.

[tracer5050]

Here one thing I need a answer to . My wife tells me you cannot name a child after the parent in thailand. First name that is . like if the husband name is JIm or the mother name is mary cant name the child that name . Anyone else heard of this ?

[percy2]

Here one thing I need a answer to . My wife tells me you cannot name a child after the parent in thailand. First name that is . like if the husband name is JIm or the mother name is mary cant name the child that name . Anyone else heard of this ?

Is your real name Gaylord Fokker?

Cheers

[tracer5050]

I hope not but that was a good movie

[UnknownPoster]

Some Thais never mature past kindergarden age. Your Mother in Law is one of them. Not her fault as many Thai parents refuse to let the kids grow up. A pepetual childhood, still playing make believe.

I knew a Thai lady that was still brushing her sons teeth and he was 15 years old.

[cdnvic]

Here one thing I need a answer to . My wife tells me you cannot name a child after the parent in thailand. First name that is . like if the husband name is JIm or the mother name is mary cant name the child that name . Anyone else heard of this ?

That's a common taboo, to name the baby after a living relative.

[WaiWai]

Made any progress, Garro ?

[garro]

He slept well last night without any need for a name change.

I have also found that really loud music sends him to sleep.

It looks like we have a bit of a Rocker on our hands, it will break my mother-in-law's heart. Hee Hee Hee

[WaiWai]

Great ! Sounds like equilibrium is being restored.

Try some classical music like Bach, too; the tempo does help relaxation. Also the New Age/"meditation" CD's on sale everywhere.

[tracer5050]

thanks CD for the answer maybe i will give him or her a flang name as well as a Thai. My friend is married to a lady from Japan . they have 3 very lovely children, all have American names as well as Japanese names, They also have dual passports , Can i do that as well if the child is born in thailand ? if you know