Have You Become A Recluse/hermit

[jaideeguy]

When I said good-bye to the west and moved to asia 15 yrs ago, I started to become more and more of a loner. Back in the west, I had a full, complete circle of friends, I mean friends that you can trust.

Since I've been here, in 15 yrs, I have only had a hand full of friends that I can really trust...counting Thai as well as falang, and the numbers are dwindling as some leave, some die, and some screw up.

I've noticed that good trusted friends are hard to find over here.....why is that?? are we all over here to 'escape' contact?

An old timer expat friend once said tio me when i first arrived that' you're completely on your own over here in asia' and it seems that he spoke the truth.

Do others feel the same??? has your circle of real friends [not aquaitences, drinking buddies or people you just meet for a short time] shrunk to just a hand full [at most]???

[Briggsy]

I've been here 11 years and I can see myself going this way. Many of my friends have returned to their respective countries for various reasons. This damnnnnn internet thing doesn't help either.

[Dakhar]

Seems to me that your deffinition of a recluse/real freinds etc.... makes me a recluse all my life.

In my life I think I only had 1 or 2 friends that were like a brother or maybe even better than a brother to me.

I would be very surprised to find that ever again especially in Thailand or even in my adult years. Seriously, I don't have the time to develop that type of freindship. Job, family, extended family, extended jobs etc....

But beyond that I am more of a recluse in that I have no desire to go out and shop or buy things that I need because I can not communicate with people. So in that since I am without a doubt a recluse.

[girlx]

funny that you ask that but yes, i am quite a recluse. when i first arrived i was really into going out and meeting new people all of the time, but after awhile the foreigners leave and you get tired of having to repeat the getting to know you process every 3 weeks or so with a new group. and the thais, well most of them are more acquaintances than friends, i find it very hard where i live to actually connect with any of them. i actually have more friends overall here than i do in the US, but most days i spend completely alone with no interaction other than ordering my noodle soup. i do work at home too, if i had a job with some involvement in the community it might be different.

[chiang mai]

I'm actually the opposite. In the West I was always "head down" with work and despite work oriented social activities I didn't have that many friends because I was always so focussed on work. Now I find myself meeting many more people and whilst the overall numbers of friends remains about the same, I communicate a lot more and am much more interested in people. As for true friends, well, I would guess maybe one or two only but acquaintances or quasi friends, loads.

[garro]

I'm normally a bit of a loner.

I find this even more true since I gave up wasting my life in bars a couple of years ago.

My wife and son are company enough for me most of the time.

[RueFang]

This damnnnnn internet thing doesn't help either.

I have reclusiveness thrust upon me, being the only farang in the area and I get tired of all the staring (3 years later!) and special treatment. But I completely disagree with Briggsy's statement above! I have made some truly great friends through the internet (and this forum ) in the last couple of years who I can trust and imagine they will be life long friendships. Does get lonely in the village though and I miss being able to spend time with friends rather then typing away on the computer.

[Naam]

after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a "reclused" life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come

[jaideeguy]

I guess some of my reclusiveness could be attributed to the closeness of my family and all the time it takes to raise two kids and a wife. That takes lots of time and since I've stopped going out to the bars...where I never met many true friends...now, my only means of 'support from friends' has been thru the internet and mostly thaivisa.

It does still get lonely sometimes when we only have 'cyber friends'.

Skype has reunited me with a few old friends from the west and when the internet is down, I feel like a good friend is ill.

I have had a few real friends here, but some have flipped out and either ran out on their families or got carried away with young girls and bars...and I've learned the hard way not to lend a friend money...then you loose a friend and money.

It's a lonely life being an expat, but I choose it and will stick with it!!

[villagefarang]

As a school age boy, I had a large group of friends on the mainland. Moving to Hawaii as a teenager changed that scenario, forever.

In my first decade in Thailand I met and knew many people. Thailand is a very transient place for most expats, however, so friends have come and gone. If not for the internet, gone would take on a more ominous connotation.

While life here can be very gregarious and social, true friends are indeed hard to come by. My wife now counts more friends in my country than hers, even though she is very busy and constantly interacting.

So for me it is a combination of things. A transient nature of farangs and a different cultural concept of "friendship" among Thais. Over time one also tends to develop a defense mechanism to fend off all the losers and users, tourists and touts.

I also agree with the notion that you are on your own over here. If you are too dependent, the chances are you won't last long. Many of the guys I saw as old timers back in the 1970s are still here, while I can't count the number who have come and gone.

The longer you are here the less newbies have to offer, in a relatively one sided relationship. Old timers tend to disperse and find their own niche, or move on to new adventures.

I'm not really making a judgement as to good or bad just making observations from my own perspective. Another truth is that Thailand can be very, very different place for different individuals.

[Neeranam]

I have a lot more trusted friends here. Mainly due to quitting drinking and joining AA.

[ray23]

Definetly yes, I have made any efforts to get people together and enjoy hobbies, ect. Each time it has resulted in frustration. Is it everyone elses fault I like to think so. But, reality tells me it's me.

so my life is much more peceful for me if I stay diconnected from the mains stream. My tolerance for people is very low. Not thier fault just how I have evovled.

People helped me whe I came here. I paid my dues and helped others.

It's time for peace and quiet.

[nonthaburial]

Interesting question. I have lived/worked in Asia for over 30 years. Over these years I have been fortunate to have visited all of asia for periods of time commissioning vehicles and training officers etc. Over these years I have accumulated enough airline boarding card to wallpaper a fair sized house.

I found that after a few visits the novelty of the "specialities"available in such a lot of the area wears off veryy quickly.

I have now lived and worked in Bangkok for 6 years and for the whole period my routine has been work then go home. Does that make me a recluse ? I really cannot answer but what I do know is that since working here I have never had any interest in the bar scene or the nightlife.

But what I do know is that by living like this I dont feel I am missing anything and my financial side has benefitted

[garro]

<br />I have a lot more trusted friends here. Mainly due to quitting drinking and joining AA.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

Neeranam, I don't think that you should count people who you pay to fix your car as trusted friends.

[Neeranam]

<br />I have a lot more trusted friends here. Mainly due to quitting drinking and joining AA.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

Neeranam, I don't think that you should count people who you pay to fix your car as trusted friends.

sorry, what do you mean?

[garro]

[kmart]

I have a lot of drinking buddies, but only a handful of true friends. Such is the expat life, I suppose.

[Neeranam]

I'm slow today

[EnqueaIstarion]

One of the shortest paths to true friendship is to seek to give it. Too often people seek to receive it.

Perhaps the question is not how many friends you would have, but to how many you are a friend.

[jaideeguy]

I suppose for us falangs married to thais that our choices are limited somewhat because in choosing compatable couples it increases the dynamics of connections with people. For example, I will find a possible friend [or someone with similar interests and/or backgrounds] and the wife won't click with the other wife. Or visa versa.

Another aspect of this delima is that there do seem to be many 'deadbeat' flangs that are attracted to LOS to escape, play the big spender, bulls##t etc and we, as residents learn to keep a distance from the lowlifes that we encounter in everyday life.

Seems that most friendships here are made in the bars and I'm over that phase in my life now.

Maybe i should join a club or organization, but to quote W.C. fields......'I'd never be a member of a club that would have me as a member'

[uptou]

After travelling on & off since 2002,i sometimes get abit weary of enthusiastic travellers (although i was one those),telling me where they've been or a going too.At the present time i'd like to meet more dossers on the rare occasions i venture out to a bar for purely social purposes,although Pattaya probably wouldnt be for me to live,or spend a long amount of time in.

I remember finding it strange when spending a fair time with other travellers,who would then move on elsewhere without even a goodbye in the morning,but now this is normal for me.To me,naturally,most people are largely looking out for themselves,takers,rather than givers,& want their own space,so its hard to make genuine freinds.

[0Mix1up]

In the short times I've stayed, I've found friendship thru my life long hobbies/careers ,

W.C. fields......'I'd never be a member of a club that would have me as a member'

I'm sure that was Groucho Marx?

[PeaceBlondie]

Five years here, and I keep running into the same farang I met in 2003, and the farang and Thais I have met since then. Going to a party in an hour, to see two mates who replaced me at my second school. Spent Tuesday with an old Thai teacher. Even the folks at the swimming pool recognize me. But friends? Real friends, you can call at 3 a.m. to bury some body that you just murdered, and they just need to ask where to meet you? I never had many true blue real friends.

[marquess]

Tend to agree with the orginal poster, in 8 years here I have just two friends, most of the other people that I have met are like good mates but beyond girls and the occasional drink one has little in common.

[soundman]

I could count my true friends on one hand before coming to Thailand. They are true friends so the number really hasn't changed.

Someone above mentioned family in Thailand being a source of one's good friends. I'de agree with this as well.

I have made a few new friends in Thailand, both Thai and other nationalities. Sometimes, being alone in Thailand is a great motivator to go out and seek new friendships of varying degrees.

So - no not reclusive or turning into a hermit. Just my personality I suppose.

Cheers,

Soundman.

[micksterbs]

I suppose for us falangs married to thais that our choices are limited somewhat because in choosing compatable couples it increases the dynamics of connections with people. For example, I will find a possible friend [or someone with similar interests and/or backgrounds] and the wife won't click with the other wife. Or visa versa.

Another aspect of this delima is that there do seem to be many 'deadbeat' flangs that are attracted to LOS to escape, play the big spender, bulls##t etc and we, as residents learn to keep a distance from the lowlifes that we encounter in everyday life.

Seems that most friendships here are made in the bars and I'm over that phase in my life now.

Maybe i should join a club or organization, but to quote W.C. fields......'I'd never be a member of a club that would have me as a member'

I'm pretty sure that's one of Graucho Marx's.

But yes, I know how you feel. I've been introduced to a few farangs through my wife; teachers, mostly. It always feels a bit contrived and I get this feeling that people expect us to become bosom-pals simply because we're foreign. I tend to find these encounters a little embarassing, almost like a blind-date! I only met one decent bloke, a Dane, and he was one week away from going home. I haven't become so desperate for Western company that I would overlook my golden-rule; would I like this person if I met them at home? So far the answer always comes back, no; not really. Thank God for the internet; it's so easy to keep in touch with family and friends.

[Head Snake]

Good question Jaidee.

SInce quitting the sauce, I'm more a recluse. I'm wondereing what is there to do and see that doesn't involve drinking and more drinking.

[chiang mai]

after retiring from a hectic professional career years ago i found it quite relaxing to live a "reclused" life, i still enjoy that kind of life style and have no intention to change it. once in a while Mrs Naam is staging a small revolution. then i take her out of the house and the country for a week (we are presently in Macau) and that's it for some months to come

You've taken your wife to Macau for a holiday and you're posting on Thaivisa - what's wrong with this picture!

[RueFang]

I've been introduced to a few farangs through my wife; teachers, mostly. It always feels a bit contrived and I get this feeling that people expect us to become bosom-pals simply because we're foreign. I tend to find these encounters a little embarassing, almost like a blind-date!

This is so true! Because foreigners are so few and far between where we are, every time we see one (a farang) my husband or others push me into some awkward bonding session. I'm quite a friendly person anyway but when everyone's pushing you into it, I just want to run away!

[garro]

I had actually begun to worry for a while that my Thai language ability was going backwards, but then I realised that this wasn't really the case. I regularly have some of the locals from the village drop by, and I often have little to say. I sometimes just prefer my only company. Sometimes I'm in the mood for chat and I welcome their company and we chat away. Sometimes I just want them to leave, but I'm too polite to say. Where we live at the moment has large shutters instead of doors so everyone can just wander in and they often do, It is sometimes a great relief to shut these shutters in the evenings.