Advice Needed On Thai 'mothers Day'

[t.s]

While the amusing interplay between the often monotonous and all too verbose postings of "Heng" and the ever succinct, to the point postings of "teacup" is somewhat interesting, I feel in all fairness we should get back on topic.

So without further ado back to the O/P's question;

Although you say both your earnings go into a joint account, IF the money is indeed your wife's; well, it's her family, and her money. If there's no financial hardship to your quality of life, or more importantly your bank account, I wouldn't worry.

From my observations; ANYTIME is a good time to send money to the ever smiling yet diminutive inhabitants populating the glorious "Land 'O Thais". The excuse of this or that holiday seems lost on them. One only needs to sit at the bank transfer area of any major bank and watch how the waiting people react like they've won the lottery as their name is called when transferred funds hit their account. .

talk about verbose.

[AFKAFSinLOS]

OP,

There's no single norm on this. Whereas foreigners probably pass money down generations, many Thais do also have this extra element of passing money upwards to differing degrees, across different segments of society as well as different individuals. Just a cultural quirk to learn to deal with.

For my own mum: If she needed it, I'd give everything I have, and there's not enough money in the world to put a value on her. I also know, though, that she would rarely ever need my money, plus even if she did need it, she wouldn't take it anyway... For my wife's mum. I assume she loves her mum as much as I do mine. I know she has different ways of showing it, so just let her get on with it...

You say you don't need the GBP300, so just trust your wife's decisions. The issues only really come up when there's "not enough to go round" or "conflicting (real) priorities"... To me you've effectively got a "non-decision" here. Put yourself in your wife's shoes and you already have your answers. It's not really important to you, but is to your wife, so trust her to make the right choice... .

[Heng]

While the amusing interplay between the often monotonous and all too verbose postings of "Heng" and the ever succinct, to the point postings of "teacup" is somewhat interesting, I feel in all fairness we should get back on topic.

So without further ado back to the O/P's question;

Although you say both your earnings go into a joint account, IF the money is indeed your wife's; well, it's her family, and her money. If there's no financial hardship to your quality of life, or more importantly your bank account, I wouldn't worry.

From my observations; ANYTIME is a good time to send money to the ever smiling yet diminutive inhabitants populating the glorious "Land 'O Thais". The excuse of this or that holiday seems lost on them. One only needs to sit at the bank transfer area of any major bank and watch how the waiting people react like they've won the lottery as their name is called when transferred funds hit their account. .

talk about verbose.

100 Baht gratuity on the way via Paypal.

[newstart07]

Thanks guys for all your responses, tips, advice and opinions! my wife's family live in a small village where they own a 4bed detached house, have a good job and 15 acres of rice fields as well! so they are not on the poverty line, however my wife hasnt given or sent any money to them, she only wants to send money for mothers day, out of the money she is earning herself, so I guess i really shouldnt complain if it makes her happy! Thanks once again, appreciate all your help.

[roygsd]

Hi, just after advice and opinions really, my Thai wife is here in UK on a settlement visa, she arrived earlier this year. However she has been telling me that its soon to me Mothers Day in TL, she asked me what I do in UK for Mothers day here, I said, buy flowers, take her out for a meal, or buy things for her garden, things like that..she looked bemused and said "oh no, in TL we always give money to our mums for mothers day" she said she normally gave about £300 to her mom, as its a very important time!! Hmm this isnt a problem as its her own money she would be sending as she is working full time here, however this does seem rather alot in my opinion, I just wondered if this was the norm for middle class families in TL?? What do you send to your mom in TL for mothers day?? Many thanks in advance, Newstart

Hi,

I dont mean to be unkind but £300 is 2 or 3 months salary to many thai people so I would be suprised if your wife sent that amount last to her mum, unless ofcourse she has a fantastic job or you helped he with it.

Dont get grumpy with her, she knows that her family consider that she is now living the good life (we know its not that good for everyone) and whether or not you have discussed it previously sending money home is ikley to be a regular feature of your relationship with your wife.

Some guys claim their wifes dont send money home to help the family, this may be true but I suspect they are in the minority, most I suspect are either cheap charlies or liars or perhaps ignorant of the fact the wife is sending cash home behind thier backs.

I dont know your wifes families financial status but £100 a month is not a lot of money to send home if they need it, many ofcourse send much more.

For your own peace of mind and for the good of your relationship with your wife I suggest you raise and discuss sensibly the subject of sending money home now rather than allow misunderstandings on either side to spoil the happy home.

Some thai families expect the farang husband to support the wife and also to send money home, others consider that if the wife works then her income is nothing to do with the farang and almost regard that income a " family money " and for their excusive use.

I would hope if your parents were in need of finacial assistance you would help them out if you could, the key I think is to strike a balance on what they want and what they really need and with luck it will not be more than £100-200 a month, on top of that oyu will get the odd emergency to contend with but it goes with th territory I am afraid.

JUst in the middle of replacing the inlaws house, nothing fancy, but the stress involved does the head in.

I am sure they would rather we just sent the money rather than asking for details of specification/construction./ material/ labour costs etc, and withut doubt it causes a great deal of grief in my house when I insisrt the wife presses them for answers to my questions, it seems a bit like pulling teeth at times, but pull I do!

From the details I have managed to extract I fully expect to be replacing this cock up of a building in a few years to come,

but if the government can order an airport to be built on a swamp then no one should be suprised when a rice farming family with no experience of construction insist they they know more than myself who has only been involved in contruction/ removation for over 30 years.

If you can sort out the sending money home bit soner rather than later it might make your life a little easier in the future, MIGHT, being the operative word!

Still I wouldnt swap her for a minute, my old man used to say " if you find a good woman you better shoot her before she turns bad", as I no longer have a gun .................LOL

Roy gsd

[Chaimai]

I dont mean to be unkind but £300 is 2 or 3 months salary to many thai people

Agree entirely

I dont know your wifes families financial status but £100 a month is not a lot of money to send home if they need it, many ofcourse send much more.

Inconsistent with first comment. My g/f gives 1,000 Baht p.m. and two other sisters do same. There is a general whip round for large-ish expenditure.

JUst in the middle of replacing the inlaws house.

I am sure they would rather we just sent the money rather than asking for details of spec/construction/ material/ labour costs etc, and withut doubt it causes a great deal of grief in my house when I insist the wife presses them for answers to my questions, it seems a bit like pulling teeth at times, but pull I do!

From the details I have managed to extract I fully expect to be replacing this cock up of a building in a few years to come,

Agree entirely. Falang help/experience is deemed to be interference. Give the money but don't ask questions. My g/f's family overspent by 60k Baht on what I think was a 100k project ! I have just declined to contribute blindly to Papa's hospital treatment/cancer op where he waited over 2 months to have the op. My suggestion that we sat down and looked at what hospitals were available, and at what price/timescale etc, so we could balance a decision on need and economics was rejected with the comment "Falang know better than Thai about Thai hospitals ?"

My reply was 'certainly not. But I might be able to assess the numbers and work how each much 3 falang boyfriends would need to contribute if the family wanted to go for a grade A option'

Planning is not a forte of the Thai people I have met.

Edited August 8, 2008 by Chaimai

[roygsd]

we send money... on father's day and on mother's day...

his parents are poor, have no use for new clothes (they put the stuff we bought them in a box for safekeeping), but they do need the money for meds, food stuff they normally wouldnt buy, ivomac for the dogs, bits and pieces for a sprayer, etc.

hubby doesnt send per month. we send on father's day and mother's day and occasionally if requested for something; this mother's day we will send a lump sum...a small one for us, for them it will go a long way ( or a short beer/lao way)... i dont care. its their present, they can do with it what they want.

when we were there to visit, we gave each about 300 baht as that was what we had and that was fine for them...

bina

israel

YOU fly from israel and visit them in thier home and give them about 300 Baht each and that was fine for them?

"Fine for them" is not exactly the same as "Fine by them", they may not have complained to your face but I am sure they would have felt highly embarrassed/loss of face at you and your husbands lack of consideration of their situation.

Did you also peel oranges whilst they are still in your pocket during your visit?

You needent bother replying you have said enough already.

Roy gsd

[roygsd]

Not trying to be puckish......

Sorry but your earlier psychology was lost on me tonight, ever since the poetic metaphor of those pots of jasmine.

Well I still miss home but not as much as I used to. I can't be there with them all my life and they know that I have my own life to run too. My main priority now is my own family, husband, and job. When possible I try to visit as often. Otherwise, for me I still be able to keep in touch and share contact with them without moving back home. There are plenty of ways with technology now you know?…..like a webcam, email, or the telephone etc …HELLO!!

So no....I don't feel guilty not being with them.

I'm told that one can't fully comprehend the pain parents go through when children move to distant lands until we have our own.

Presumably by your parents?

Some parent have a party to celebrate!

Roy gsd

[roygsd]

I'm sending B14770 ($500) to my wife/fiancee to send to her mother as she sees fit (or keep some and share some). In my experience, they're not one's to waste money (at least my new extended family over there).

Most important of all, I stayed at their house in Isaan (Roi Et- the poorest of Thailand) and they literally live in a BARN! Can I sacrifice a portion of a month's earnings to help some obviously poor people who have worked harder than I can imagine as means of survival (not wealth accumulation) for long hours, sick or not.... Yes, I can spare a few hundred quid!

Not asking questions (and thanks to this thread), I discovered Mother's Day's coming and moved money over today (haven't told her yet). My not asking questions will also show respect while solidifying my commitment (which is always reciprocated). This is a different culture; completely foreign to the bird leaving the nest syndrome of westerners. Without support from children, these oldsters wouldn't survive. I do NOT want to gain the label of stingy (sticky sh** is the direct translation) when it comes to nam chai or kind/generous heartedness. My guess is she'll buy Urea for the rice in order to feed the family, maybe buy medicine (I insist she take as prescribed but she says it's too expensive).

I want to be a good husband and a good human being and I don't care about setting a precedent (every year is different and most people understand, since all have good and bad years). It's NOT about the money...it's that I care and appreciate her mother enough to have raised someone I am honored to marry. They're poor, I'm loaded (by their standards) but not wealthy by USA standards. In a month, my finances will not have noticed it missing but they will never forget that I try my best. Same goes for my kids here and my ex wife here...hard times come and I shell out. There's more to life than the principal of things, setting precedents and greed. For me, it's about helping a family whose NET profit for working their asses off in the rice fields is a mere $1400 a year! Yes, my small token will make a difference and bring some smiles.

For me, words and flowers are cheap and money is what changes lives (in their culture). When I'm married it will be our life, our business, our money. She wants to be sure my kids are taken care of, maintaining their standard while raising her family's standards *only as we can afford (she's smarter about money than my western mind). I spend far less than before I met her and have saved more than $500 by habit changes alone.

If we (in my country) too were amidst poverty, we would also adapt the same values and understand the gesture and love behind the money. Everyone sacrifices for loved one's so it's my turn this month for a measly $500 for being a mother who still works her wrinkled, old little soul off for doorstep kids that weren't even her responsibility. She, also has shown the world nam chai (it's the least I can do for this round)!

roy gsd

[roygsd]

Thank goodness my extended family is not in Roi-et.

I feel sorry for any Falang, with family in your village, who is doing his best and perhaps giving the odd £30 or so - now and again. Probably making a real difference by doing what he can on a regular basis.

How will he feel when his girlfriend tells him he is a cheap Charlie because some big shot Falang, going out with Nok in the village, is throwing more than 30% of the families annual income at them for Mother's Day.

God knows what you will give them if the buffalo dies !

So whats your solution, other than taking the piss that is?

Roy gsd

[dhind1]

IMHO this is a personal decision. Up to you as it were. Many posters will argue against sending funds to family and others will argue that it is ok. Many will quote horror stories about family and the preverbial buffalo.

You have to decide what is best for you and your missus. If you feel happy about it then go ahead. At the end of the day you and her are the only ones that matter in this decision.

[Chaimai]

So whats your solution, other than taking the piss that is?

Roy gsd

That's not taking the piss - it is an observation. There is no third party solution, it is personal.

Unless you think that your rambling diatribes provide a solution. Don't forget to look over your shoulder "Roy" :-

There's a guy called Roygsd who started in march 04 and had about 20 posts until recently.

He's up to 389 and seems to have a strong opinion on everything and everybody.

Yup, good ole Roy, I have my eye on him too and have my suspicions of who he is, he is very active in the visa forum and is very partial to giving long missives about nothing, here's One