Over 50?

[A. BOOZER]

Chapter 1: THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run a marathon.

4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6. Things you buy now won't wear out.

7. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

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Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc, Doc, Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

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Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

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Chapter 4: SIGNS OF WHERE...

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

2. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along

6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

9. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

If you're under 50, this may be amusing. If you're over 50, this is probably reality.