Top Tip Of The Week

[andy50]

always keep an empty bottle of milk /cream in your fridge/ice box, just in case a suprise visitor turns up , and only wants "black"coffee--another top tip next week- thanks

[tuky]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

[andy50]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

when living in thailand, always keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge ,just incase a suprise visitor turns up and wants black coffee?

[davethailand]

this thread has alot of promise

Here's a few more-

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your

chin into a bowl of iron filings.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously

"erased."

Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.

It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an

ideal "car" for snakes.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and

grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply

changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa

anytime by just turning on the tap.

Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully

refreshed and on time.

Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever

you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two

plastic buckets.

D. Griffiths, Kent.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and

talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,

or set fire to someone else's house.

Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the

tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have

sex without waking her up.

Frank Wilson, Southend.

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're

&lt;deleted&gt; at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra

girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,

because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-

arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

D Thresher, Wapping.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen

chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in

every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of

the escaping gas.

N. Burke, Manchester.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we

smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in

such emergencies.

Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case

a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up

the road.

D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle

East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British

Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a

few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any

planes home.

S Goblin, Middlesex.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your

head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

out.

Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,

instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.

M Burridge, Newcastle.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

P Raker, Chatham.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and

attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be

worn around the neck.

B Morgan, Criccieth.

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

D Duckham, Didford.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative

to sun-bed treatments.

Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating

cakes again.

P Loft, Gateshead.

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.

The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have

completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Mike Grey, Essex.

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by

steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

T.C. Jackson, York.

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply

gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

A. Sharp, Birmingham.

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by

making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

temple.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a

few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and

easier to smuggle into the toilet.

Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse

neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.

Bastien Phelp, Bath.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over

any that you catch in the act.

W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe

and a cricket ball.

I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn

back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with

a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off

the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic

and dangerous landings.

Neil Davis, e-mail.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding

irons.

J.T. Thropton.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The

Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their

holes.

J.T. Thropton.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down

the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in

your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Simone Glover, Tottenham.

[stroll]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't eat the yellow snow!

[Pink Mist]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't eat the yellow snow!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

don't eat yellow snow from Thailand

[Wolfie]

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply

gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts

[jayenram]

this thread has alot of promise

Here's a few more-

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Excellent Dave. The FG wondered what the ###### I was on I was laughing so much!

[Insight]

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

... Never fails to make me laugh

[The Gentleman Scamp]

Make local Thai's think you are magnetic by gluing cutlery, paperclips and other metal objects to your body when travelling on the skytrain or visiting your local 7-Eleven.

The Gentleman Scamp/Muang Thong Thani

[tuky]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Never chop wood in a Thai rubber dinghy.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

when living in thailand, always keep an empty bottle of milk in your fridge ,just incase a suprise visitor turns up and wants black coffee?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't eat the yellow snow!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

don't eat yellow snow from Thailand

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thats better...

To counter "on the bog blues" smear some crunchy peanut butter onto a piece of toilet paper and slide it under the cubicle wall, swear at your stupidity for missing the bowl then tell the guy next to you that your sorry and to please pass it back!!!

Go to the information desk at the local supermarket and ask them to page (insert your name here) as they are lost, when the announcement has been made tell the lady your name and ask her what she wants you for!!!

[andy50]

glad to see there are viz readers in thailand too!

thai women-dont waste energy, faking orgasms-most men couldnt give a sh*t anyway,and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after youve been banged

[kurgen]

Make peeing more fun by spending several minutes shaking it dry

[aughie]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

Don't eat the yellow snow!

don't eat yellow snow from Thailand

This being Christmas and all I was gonna ask if it snows in Bkk.

[The Gentleman Scamp]

SCAMPY'S TOP TIPS

...Which I e-mailed to a few mates about a year ago when I was in Cape Town and my brothers were out playing golf.

DON'T fork out extra cash on that new zoom camera. Simply stand closer to the object you with to photograph.

AVOID feeling guilty when passing beggars by talking to yourself and pretending to be mad.

BARGIRLS: Reward repeat customers with a 'Premier Points' card and a sticker for each time they take you home. When they have eight stickers they can get a free handjob.

FOOL guesthouse owners into thinking you are magnetic by gluing cutlery and paperclips to your hands and face.

GUARANTEE yourself a seat on the Skytrain by simply starting all your journeys at On Nut.

AIRLINE PILOTS: encourage passengers to walk about freely and move their feet while you're doing 700mph over some mountains but insist they fasten their seatbelts while you dawdle along the runway looking for somewhere to park.

ITALIANS: Fool people into thinking your Israeli by standing in everyone's way and being rude to anybody who speaks to you.

THAI GIRLS: Make people think you're from a wealthy, upper class family by putting talcum powder on your face.

FOOL Tuk-Tuk drivers into thinking you are a sex tourist by telling them you are from Germany.

BACKPACKERS: Annoy expats by making travel related small talk and asking which island they reccomend.

CONVINCE guesthouse owners you have Parkinsons disease by shaking your wrist and scrawling all over the desk when you sign your name.

DANISH GIRLS: Don't forget to keep your noses high to show everybody how superior you are.

MAKE your own 'spirit house' by decorating a bird table with tinsel and putting an offering of fresh fruit and insense on it. The fruit will rot, the incence will burn away and Bhudda will be thankful and bring you good luck.

THAI DOGS: Avoid death and injury by not sleeping in the middle of the road.

FOOL guesthouse owners into believing you have a pet crocodile by bandaging your hand and bringing back live chickens.

CD STALL HOLDERS Show customers how 'hip' and 'with it' you are by wearing a woolly hat and playing nothing but the first track on the new Dido album.

RECREATE The taste of Tom Yung Kung soup by licking the terminals on a AA3 batery.

FARANG GIRLS: Don't get your hair braided - it looks shit.

FOOL guesthouse owners into thinking you're a warewolf by howling at the moon, tearing your clothes and not shaving.

TAXI DRIVERS Why not deliberatly take a route you know will be heavily conjested with traffic? That way your passenger will get to their destination late and you get more f*cking money.

BACKPACKERS: Show everybody you are a more experienced traveller than them by wearing a sarong, dreadlocking your hair and not washing.

THAI GIRLFRIENDS: Let your boyfriend know you are angry with him by answering "Up to you" to anything he asks or suggests.

ALWAYS take a coat and blanket when going to the cinema.

AVOID discomfort after a visit to the toilet by pulling down your trousers and underpants before sitting down to pass a stool.

Edited December 21, 2004 by The Gentleman Scamp

[Gazza]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

Don't eat the yellow snow!

don't eat yellow snow from Thailand

This being Christmas and all I was gonna ask if it snows in Bkk.

Only when you can see a flock of flying pigs silhouetted against a blue moon.

[Khutan]

can we relate this to thailand somehow?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Don't eat the yellow snow!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

don't eat yellow snow from Thailand

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This being Christmas and all I was gonna ask if it snows in Bkk.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Umm, If you like I will offer you odds of 1000-1 if it naturally snows in Bangkok on Christmas day.

So you give me 1,000 Baht, and I will give you back a 1,000,000 if it naturally snows in Bangkok on Christmas day.

Sound like a good deal. ?????

Just wish I could spell better and stop editing my posts!

Edited December 21, 2004 by mattnich

[Khutan]

Ok, No snow on the news today for Bangkok, where's my 1000 Baht ?

[Gazza]

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your Thai wife/gf from behind and, holding on tightly to her tits, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted` for.

[davethailand]

ITALIANS: Fool people into thinking your Israeli by standing in everyone's way and being rude to anybody who speaks to you.

THAI GIRLS: Make people think you're from a wealthy, upper class family by putting talcum powder on your face.

FOOL Tuk-Tuk drivers into thinking you are a sex tourist by telling them you are from Germany.

BACKPACKERS: Annoy expats by making travel related small talk and asking which island they reccomend

FARANG GIRLS: Don't get your hair braided - it looks shit.

Here's a good one-

Avoid paying over the top prices for personalised numbers plates, simply change your name to match your existing plate.

Mr ULT956M

Edited December 25, 2004 by davethailand

[Jeff1]

Do not try to be a hero by slapping the fried bug out of a girls hand that she was about to eat and saying " that was close , you almost ate a bug ! "

I learned that one the hard way

[aughie]

Ok, No snow on the news today for Bangkok, where's my 1000 Baht ?

Santa didn't drop it off?

[aughie]

If you work in a place where lots of people use the same toilets... you know what it is like... people p*ss on the seat... dribble on the floor... etc etc.  Take a can of vegetable soup to work and pour it into one of the toilets and 'don't' flush it. That toilet will never be used by anybody other than yourself. 

Rav, That is hilarious!!! That is the most in the trenches sage advice I have heard. You sir, are an old hand. Good stuff.

[Khutan]

Ok, No snow on the news today for Bangkok, where's my 1000 Baht ?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Santa didn't drop it off?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't have a chimney, just a vent for the toilet.....

Maybe Santa mistook that for a chimney

Ravisher :

Top one, that is excellent

If you work in a place where lots of people use the same toilets... you know what it is like... people p*ss on the seat... dribble on the floor... etc etc. Take a can of vegetable soup to work and pour it into one of the toilets and 'don't' flush it. That toilet will never be used by anybody other than yourself. 

Another one is if someone Pi$$es you off and is really proud of their car, get a refil of photocopy toner and put it all over the outside of their car. The heat from the sun will bond the toner to the car's paint.

I have seen it sone, only way to get it off is sand-blasting.

[Gazza]

If somebody p*sses you off, put a potato up their exhaust pipe. It will take them ages and ages to find out why their care/motorbike won't start. 

If somebody p*sses you off a LOT, get some 'grinding paste' and mix it with oil and pour it into the oil intake of their car/motorbike... a few kilometers will grind all the bearings out of the engine. 

If somebody reallly p*sses you off BIG TIME! Take a wire from the HT lead and put a spark plug on the end... and hang it in the gas tank. You will hear the explosion about a mile away.   

I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of you, Ravi.

[Gazza]

Another one I read recently.

Dyslexics, try purposely misspelling words. That way you have a chance of getting them correct.

[peder.klockmann]

I once heard that you can cheaply mess up someones paint job by purchasing a pack of bologna and just tossing the slices on the paint and let the sun take care of the rest untill they return, I assume it takes about an hour but, I don't know for sure as I have never done it; well seen the results

uh oh bologna polka-dots

[bodypaul]

Let's hope I never p1ss any of you lot off ... OR you never find out what type of car I have!!

[TizMe]

I heard that brake fluid will do the paint in as well..

[DJ Pat]

Thai related top tips:

Bar Girls: Increase the teacher population of Thailand by telling every fat unattractive sex tourist that you "Love them long time"

Soi Dogs: Unnerve drunken farang on their way home by appearing from nowhere and barking loudly

Taxi drivers: Enhance the reputation of your country by asking every tourist if "You like Thai lady"

Gay Thai men: Wiggling your arse and taking oestrogen tablets is an ideal substitute for a sex change operation