In Need Of Advice: Thai Woman, U.s. Man -- And Plans

[onward]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor. Probably will be a mak mak strange experience, for me at least, since she speaks only a little English and I speak only a little Thai, so far.

I realize most who might help me could have a "where do I start" mindset, but I'd like to know if there's something I should be particularly wary of, or aspects I should consider? Thanks in advance for any / all help.

[bkkjames]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor. Probably will be a mak mak strange experience, for me at least, since she speaks only a little English and I speak only a little Thai, so far.

I realize most who might help me could have a "where do I start" mindset, but I'd like to know if there's something I should be particularly wary of, or aspects I should consider? Thanks in advance for any / all help.

Explain to her that you are poor, if she hangs around - marry her. good luck.

[onward]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor. Probably will be a mak mak strange experience, for me at least, since she speaks only a little English and I speak only a little Thai, so far.

I realize most who might help me could have a "where do I start" mindset, but I'd like to know if there's something I should be particularly wary of, or aspects I should consider? Thanks in advance for any / all help.

Explain to her that you are poor, if she hangs around - marry her. good luck.

Thanks, James. I'm doing my best not to be cynical -- realizing also that "cynical" means something different here than it does there. It's part of what I was asking about ...

[bkkjames]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor. Probably will be a mak mak strange experience, for me at least, since she speaks only a little English and I speak only a little Thai, so far.

I realize most who might help me could have a "where do I start" mindset, but I'd like to know if there's something I should be particularly wary of, or aspects I should consider? Thanks in advance for any / all help.

Explain to her that you are poor, if she hangs around - marry her. good luck.

Thanks, James. I'm doing my best not to be cynical -- realizing also that "cynical" means something different here than it does there. It's part of what I was asking about ...

not cynical - realistic is a better description, trust your instincts and not your heart

[onward]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor. Probably will be a mak mak strange experience, for me at least, since she speaks only a little English and I speak only a little Thai, so far.

I realize most who might help me could have a "where do I start" mindset, but I'd like to know if there's something I should be particularly wary of, or aspects I should consider? Thanks in advance for any / all help.

Explain to her that you are poor, if she hangs around - marry her. good luck.

Thanks, James. I'm doing my best not to be cynical -- realizing also that "cynical" means something different here than it does there. It's part of what I was asking about ...

not cynical - realistic is a better description, trust your instincts and not your heart

I see, yes, thanks. Am trying to be careful, but not so careful that I foreclose or skip something good that could happen. She is aware of the situation between American men and Thai women -- one has money (or is perceived to have!), the other wants it -- and tries to reassure me ... we have gotten to know each other fairly well, I think.

[chiangmaibruce]

1. Read widely (about thai/farang relationships) before you meet her ... this site plus others including stickman bangkok. youtube also has some interesting material about isaan girls and farang guys, someone put up a link to some stuff a short time back (a five part video). Also get hold of the book 'thailand fever' by paiboon publishing.

The way you act initially will set the pattern for future things, so get it right, e.g. don't throw around money, don't move too quickly, don't spend all your time in thailand with her/her family (get some context), and retain your common sense

2. Coming into this relationship do not assume anything, including

- that she wrote any of the emails you received (quite possibly written by a paid scribe in her village)

- that 'she' has not also written to many other farang

- that she thinks/acts ... anything like the western folk you are/are familiar with

Could be a great thing BUT DO NOT RUSH

[DaleBlue]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, most Thai woman married for love. Language is not a problem. There may be some difficulties initially, but it is not difficult to master. The big problem that you have to over come is culture difference.

[bkkjames]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, most Thai woman married for love. Language is not a problem. There may be some difficulties initially, but it is not difficult to master. The big problem that you have to over come is culture difference.

really Dale? do you have stats on this?

[Soutpeel]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, most Thai woman married for love. Language is not a problem. There may be some difficulties initially, but it is not difficult to master. The big problem that you have to over come is culture difference.

Do I detect the rose tinted spectacles being on when you wrote this post....

[loong]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor.................................

What kind of student is she?

If she is attending university, then it is very unusual for a very poor rice farmer's daughter unless she has a sponsor.

Most urban Thais who can speak very little English can very rarely write it. So very likely her emails are written by somebody else.

Are you looking for romance? If so tread very carefully.

Arrange to meet up away from her village first, book into an hotel and if she stays the night in the same bed, then she is a working girl. If she is shocked at the idea or sleeps on the floor, then you maybe ok.

[benjamat]

1. Read widely (about thai/farang relationships) before you meet her ... this site plus others including stickman bangkok. youtube also has some interesting material about isaan girls and farang guys, someone put up a link to some stuff a short time back (a five part video). Also get hold of the book 'thailand fever' by paiboon publishing.

The way you act initially will set the pattern for future things, so get it right, e.g. don't throw around money, don't move too quickly, don't spend all your time in thailand with her/her family (get some context), and retain your common sense

2. Coming into this relationship do not assume anything, including

- that she wrote any of the emails you received (quite possibly written by a paid scribe in her village)

- that 'she' has not also written to many other farang

- that she thinks/acts ... anything like the western folk you are/are familiar with

Could be a great thing BUT DO NOT RUSH

Sound advice indeed.

Remember that if a poor girl is talking to men on the internet it will almost certainly mean that she has nade a decision to try and change her life for the better and this inevitably means financially.

I am not one of those who sees this as gold digging or indeed something that is always bad but remember this from the beginning. It is highly unlikely she is only talking to you if you have never met each other.

Keep the money side in the background and dont be tempted to show too much largesse (?) Remember that a relatively small sum of money to you can be a large sum for her.

Give the hearts a chance and dont be put off by the many cynics here, however be sensible and dont let your ???? rule your head.

Also bear in mind that it is far from easy to bring these people to your own country both in terms of expence and stress.

Edited January 20, 2009 by benjamat

[noahvail]

You've received some very good advice here. Please remember that every relationship is unique - the problems may be the same as other relationships, the solutions may be the same - but how you get to point B from point A is where the uniqueness comes in. Also, for every story you hear, good or bad, there is an equal but opposite story. I'm happily married in Issan to a lady who is some 20 years younger than me. Her parents were rice farmers. Three of the four kids have graduated university, one has just gotten a masters. My wife holds a position of some responsibility in the province, and is well thought of by just about everyone - or at least was until she married a farange. The typical Issan girl? I dunno, maybe, maybe not. Just keep your eyes open, your wits about you, and listen to both your heart and your head. Then go away and think about it for a while. You will probably get the right answer. Best of luck!

[canadianmonkey]

she doesnt speak much english, you dont speak much thai.

So that means someone is writing her emails for her. And even if its not the case, you are willing to get together with someone you cannot talk with? That sounds desperate and a recipe for disaster. There are plenty of less good looking girls who actually speak your language.

Seriously i take huge offense in your post, you are clearly only looking for a human animal.. Pet some, lay some, feed some and make some hand gesture.

[mittheimp]

correspondence through internet will tell you only the very basics about her (age, family, favorite food) will not tell you anything about her personality - so don't presume anything - same goes for her, she doesnt know you at all either!

[BygonKeaw]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, most Thai woman married for love. Language is not a problem. There may be some difficulties initially, but it is not difficult to master. The big problem that you have to over come is culture difference.

or overcome the culture lies

[BygonKeaw]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor.................................

What kind of student is she?

If she is attending university, then it is very unusual for a very poor rice farmer's daughter unless she has a sponsor.

Most urban Thais who can speak very little English can very rarely write it. So very likely her emails are written by somebody else.

Are you looking for romance? If so tread very carefully.

Arrange to meet up away from her village first, book into an hotel and if she stays the night in the same bed, then she is a working girl. If she is shocked at the idea or sleeps on the floor, then you maybe ok.

Yes take note of this guys message. Obviously he had alot of experiences with farm girls.

[yabaaaa]

I'm new here ... visitor to Thailand, avid student of the culture and, recently, the language.

Online I met a Thai woman, student, who I plan to visit soon. We've corresponded much (emails, chat); her family -- rice farmers -- live in a northern village, and are very poor.................................

What kind of student is she?

If she is attending university, then it is very unusual for a very poor rice farmer's daughter unless she has a sponsor.

Most urban Thais who can speak very little English can very rarely write it. So very likely her emails are written by somebody else.

Are you looking for romance? If so tread very carefully.

Arrange to meet up away from her village first, book into an hotel and if she stays the night in the same bed, then she is a working girl. If she is shocked at the idea or sleeps on the floor, then you maybe ok.

Not quite true some women are just trusting or naive. I asked my "wife to be" before we met to stay with me 1 night in a hotel and I told her id booked a room with twin beds as we had to fly the next day from Bangkok to Koh Kood. She stayed with me that night (nothing happened at all) the next day off w e went. 18 months after meeting w e got married, no sin sot no family just the two of us and two of her friends from work went to the amphur and after a quick meal and they went back to work.

[BygonKeaw]

I have spoke with many girls on the net, rich, poor,looking for freinds, love or sex.

I have met a few but i can tell you one thing most of the ones i have met are just interested in having a good time and going for a meal or getting pissed.

That blows the theory out the window that girls on the net have decided they want to financially secure there lives.

[yabaaaa]

she doesnt speak much english, you dont speak much thai.

So that means someone is writing her emails for her. And even if its not the case, you are willing to get together with someone you cannot talk with? That sounds desperate and a recipe for disaster. There are plenty of less good looking girls who actually speak your language.

Seriously i take huge offense in your post, you are clearly only looking for a human animal.. Pet some, lay some, feed some and make some hand gesture.

Rubbish many women use the internet to practice their English and also local temples often help them with this too for free.

[yabaaaa]

I have spoke with many girls on the net, rich, poor,looking for freinds, love or sex.

I have met a few but i can tell you one thing most of the ones i have met are just interested in having a good time and going for a meal or getting pissed.

That blows the theory out the window that girls on the net have decided they want to financially secure there lives.

I met 4 women on the internet 3 years ago, none of them lied none of them wanted to get pis**ed many wanted to practice their English I met them all for real none sought money though one asked a year later ,I lent it and it was given back.

Many could type and understand really well ,what they lacked was actual speaking of English.

[Svenn]

she doesnt speak much english, you dont speak much thai.

So that means someone is writing her emails for her. And even if its not the case, you are willing to get together with someone you cannot talk with? That sounds desperate and a recipe for disaster. There are plenty of less good looking girls who actually speak your language.

Seriously i take huge offense in your post, you are clearly only looking for a human animal.. Pet some, lay some, feed some and make some hand gesture.

ridiculous. By that logic nearly every farang with a thai woman is just 'looking for a human animal' because their relationship started on physical attraction. love is founded on physical attraction, simple as that. humans are in the end simple creatures, why are people so reluctant to accept this? i disagree with all the ugly people out there- i think you can know a lot about people just by if they're attractive or not, or how their eyes move. not only that, i'd say very profound versions of love can develop even without having good communication skills. ugly or idealistic people imagine love like a business, e.g. the parties have to communicate well so they can understand all the little trivialities in their life and so they can have the security of coming home to nice dinner everyday or something, which is really all the 'love' of well-communicating spouses ends up being oftentimes. 90% of married couples out there are just in it for the security, but they pass it off as love.

anyway, most important thing OP is to not get her hopes up until you're certain you want to be with her.

Edited January 20, 2009 by Svenn

[yabaaaa]

she doesnt speak much english, you dont speak much thai.

So that means someone is writing her emails for her. And even if its not the case, you are willing to get together with someone you cannot talk with? That sounds desperate and a recipe for disaster. There are plenty of less good looking girls who actually speak your language.

Seriously i take huge offense in your post, you are clearly only looking for a human animal.. Pet some, lay some, feed some and make some hand gesture.

ridiculous. By that logic nearly every farang with a thai woman is just 'looking for a human animal' because their relationship started on physical attraction. love is founded on physical attraction, simple as that. humans are in the end simple creatures, why are people so reluctant to accept this? i disagree with all the ugly people out there- i think you can know a lot about people just by if they're attractive or not, or how their eyes move. not only that, i'd say very profound versions of love can develop even without having good communication skills. ugly or idealistic people imagine love like a business, e.g. the parties have to communicate well so they can understand all the little trivialities in their life and so they can have the security of coming home to nice dinner everyday or something, which is really all the 'love' of well-communicating spouses ends up being oftentimes. 90% of married couples out there are just in it for the security, but they pass it off as love.

anyway, most important thing OP is to not get her hopes up until you're certain you want to be with her.

Appearances are deceptive, having rented condos out to many nationalities you simply cannot tell anything from their appearance.

[egg6447]

I have spoke with many girls on the net, rich, poor,looking for freinds, love or sex.

I have met a few but i can tell you one thing most of the ones i have met are just interested in having a good time and going for a meal or getting pissed.

That blows the theory out the window that girls on the net have decided they want to financially secure there lives.

I met 4 women on the internet 3 years ago, none of them lied none of them wanted to get pis**ed many wanted to practice their English I met them all for real none sought money though one asked a year later ,I lent it and it was given back.

[ Many could type and understand really well ,what they lacked was actual speaking of English. ]

this is so correct from my expierience. just about all the family and extended family can read and wright engrish, lol. but few can speak or understand it. just lack of chance.

[Maigo6]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, most Thai woman married for love. Language is not a problem. There may be some difficulties initially, but it is not difficult to master. The big problem that you have to over come is culture difference.

Do I detect the rose tinted spectacles being on when you wrote this post....

Maybe he's not a big fat ugly slob who wouldn't be able to pull anything in his own country.

Some of us are quite presentable.

I'll leave the disbelief to those that are in a paid for relationship.

There are 2 types of people in this world, those that say it can never be done, and those that are doing it.

[BygonKeaw]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, most Thai woman married for love. Language is not a problem. There may be some difficulties initially, but it is not difficult to master. The big problem that you have to over come is culture difference.

Do I detect the rose tinted spectacles being on when you wrote this post....

Maybe he's not a big fat ugly slob who wouldn't be able to pull anything in his own country.

Some of us are quite presentable.

I'll leave the disbelief to those that are in a paid for relationship.

There are 2 types of people in this world, those that say it can never be done, and those that are doing it.

which one are you?

[yabaaaa]

Sorry to disappoint you guys, most Thai woman married for love. Language is not a problem. There may be some difficulties initially, but it is not difficult to master. The big problem that you have to over come is culture difference.

Do I detect the rose tinted spectacles being on when you wrote this post....

Maybe he's not a big fat ugly slob who wouldn't be able to pull anything in his own country.

Some of us are quite presentable.

I'll leave the disbelief to those that are in a paid for relationship.

There are 2 types of people in this world, those that say it can never be done, and those that are doing it.

You forgot the third type............ those that dont care

[onward]

Thank you for all of this. Well, uh, most of it. Having had the experience of many "human animals" in my day, I'm not really looking for "just" another one (although, come to think of it, I am one myself. Doesn't seem so bad).

She's a student at the university, which she says her father financed with a mortgage on the rice farm and by driving a tuk tuk. Has sent photos of parents (and tuk tuk!), brother, his girlfriend, and parents' home, which is pretty much just a shack of corrugated metal hammered together. Says her family is so poor the other villagers insult them, and asked if this would bother me. Has not asked for money, and has offered to let me stay at her home, but recommends a hotel instead; very nervous about whether I want "everything" when I visit. I explained I do not ... I can get "everything" in the U.S. (by the way, what's the Thai word for "overrated"?). Only want to get to know a new person and her family, and I have been hoping to visit Thailand again anyway -- it's been a while. She's writing the emails herself, I think. In webcam chats, I've seen her consult the dictionary often.

[Svenn]

Thank you for all of this. Well, uh, most of it. Having had the experience of many "human animals" in my day, I'm not really looking for "just" another one (although, come to think of it, I am one myself. Doesn't seem so bad).

She's a student at the university, which she says her father financed with a mortgage on the rice farm and by driving a tuk tuk. Has sent photos of parents (and tuk tuk!), brother, his girlfriend, and parents' home, which is pretty much just a shack of corrugated metal hammered together. Says her family is so poor the other villagers insult them, and asked if this would bother me. Has not asked for money, and has offered to let me stay at her home, but recommends a hotel instead; very nervous about whether I want "everything" when I visit. I explained I do not ... I can get "everything" in the U.S. (by the way, what's the Thai word for "overrated"?). Only want to get to know a new person and her family, and I have been hoping to visit Thailand again anyway -- it's been a while. She's writing the emails herself, I think. In webcam chats, I've seen her consult the dictionary often.

Hmmm, i'm giving you all due deference here, but this sounds a little bit spooky to me. obviously the primary thing you need to have at the beginning of this relationship is suspicion, sohng-sai, until she rebuts that presumption convincingly.. i.e. assume the worst. i'm not sure what you mean by a mortgage 'on' the rice farm- a reverse mortgage where he's gradually selling it someone? or did he sell the whole thing and is collecting the buyer's mortgage payments? Maybe I'm wrong, but I highly doubt a university education can be afforded by a tuk-tuk driver in Isaan or rural thailand.

For the sake of all that is holy, don't meet her family or stay at her house, please. You guys are not even really at boyfriend/girlfriend status yet, but going to her house is going to get everyone's hopes up that their poverty is coming to an end with the coming of this farang husband... and they will be shamed if you never show up again. stay at a hotel and meet her at a restaurant, if it's good after that, continue, but don't go to her house until a long-term relaitonship is in the works. poor rural thais don't 'do' dating like westerners- where we go from mate to mate without thinking long-term... please have the cultural conciousness to understand this. If this is your first time in Thaialnd, you might also find that even on the 5 minute ride from the bus to your hotel, you'll see 10 or 20 girls more attractive than her... they're everywhere

[onward]

Thank you for all of this. Well, uh, most of it. Having had the experience of many "human animals" in my day, I'm not really looking for "just" another one (although, come to think of it, I am one myself. Doesn't seem so bad).

She's a student at the university, which she says her father financed with a mortgage on the rice farm and by driving a tuk tuk. Has sent photos of parents (and tuk tuk!), brother, his girlfriend, and parents' home, which is pretty much just a shack of corrugated metal hammered together. Says her family is so poor the other villagers insult them, and asked if this would bother me. Has not asked for money, and has offered to let me stay at her home, but recommends a hotel instead; very nervous about whether I want "everything" when I visit. I explained I do not ... I can get "everything" in the U.S. (by the way, what's the Thai word for "overrated"?). Only want to get to know a new person and her family, and I have been hoping to visit Thailand again anyway -- it's been a while. She's writing the emails herself, I think. In webcam chats, I've seen her consult the dictionary often.

Hmmm, i'm giving you all due deference here, but this sounds a little bit spooky to me. obviously the primary thing you need to have at the beginning of this relationship is suspicion, sohng-sai, until she rebuts that presumption convincingly.. i.e. assume the worst. i'm not sure what you mean by a mortgage 'on' the rice farm- a reverse mortgage where he's gradually selling it someone? or did he sell the whole thing and is collecting the buyer's mortgage payments? Maybe I'm wrong, but I highly doubt a university education can be afforded by a tuk-tuk driver in Isaan or rural thailand.

For the sake of all that is holy, don't meet her family or stay at her house, please. You guys are not even really at boyfriend/girlfriend status yet, but going to her house is going to get everyone's hopes up that their poverty is coming to an end with the coming of this farang husband... and they will be shamed if you never show up again. stay at a hotel and meet her at a restaurant, if it's good after that, continue, but don't go to her house until a long-term relaitonship is in the works. poor rural thais don't 'do' dating like westerners- where we go from mate to mate without thinking long-term... please have the cultural conciousness to understand this. If this is your first time in Thaialnd, you might also find that even on the 5 minute ride from the bus to your hotel, you'll see 10 or 20 girls more attractive than her... they're everywhere

Not the first time in Thailand, nor am I unfamiliar with the culture (including poor and rural, in Thailand and elsewhere) ... and I don't think I've ever "done" the kind of dating you describe, though I've lived in the West my whole life ... but thanks.

[canadianmonkey]

There is no way an university girl has close to no english skills.

First if she's there, she had to go through highschool where they do learn highschool. then if she went to the university, being poor. it means she worked real hard not to disappoint her family. So she definitely had great grades meaning she would of learned English. Then she would of gotten better at the university.

You're going through an awful lot of trouble just to finally get laid after so many years, and you are probably going to hurt someone.