The Answer Is . . . .

[G54]

Soooo frustrating. Has to be worse than 'Up to you'. Those that have a Thai female will understand

Teerak, you want to go to the restaurant tonight or you want go to the pub?

Yes.

Tomorrow do you want we take the kids to the park or stay at home?

Yes.

You want to go shopping at BigC or Tesco?

Yes.

Trying to get round this problem is maddeningly frustrating. How do you get them to understand there are 2 options in each question?

(A slap to the first one who answers 'Yes')

[canuckamuck]

Soooo frustrating. Has to be worse than 'Up to you'. Those that have a Thai female will understand

Teerak, you want to go to the restaurant tonight or you want go to the pub?

Yes.

Tomorrow do you want we take the kids to the park or stay at home?

Yes.

You want to go shopping at BigC or Tesco?

Yes.

Trying to get round this problem is maddeningly frustrating. How do you get them to understand there are 2 options in each question?

(A slap to the first one who answers 'Yes')

Even more frustrating when you ask a yes or no question and invariably get the yes when she means no or vice versa.

The rule I go by is ask every question twice in two ways, or suffer the time your about to lose through miscommunication.

[BigSnake]

Come on, dude a no brainer, they don't know what NO mean

[Valjean]

I by the way have this happen all the time with my team, some of who have advanced degrees from universities abroad so they speak English very well. My conclusion is this is based on two things; the fundamentally different way questions are asked and answered in Thai grammar AND within the culture of how questions are asked and answered.

Thai (Asian) culture is much more roundabout in how questions are asked and answered. We Westerners are typically quite direct and expect a direct answer back. In this context "yes" is just a conversation starter, not an answer. They might be wondering what you want, what the right answer is, what they want, are there other options - all that could be answered in due conversation. So I might think of "yes" and "yes let's talk about this" as the beginning.

The only solution I've found it to change the way I phrase questions. In a work context where I really do want and value their opinion it takes time and care to wander around the question awhile, to get a few "something like that" replies, and explore the process. You can't shortcut to the answer much as you want. At home? well that's the wonderful Thai girl relationship in an all cases we're just going to go where she wants to go and do what she wants to do anyway so I just wait till we're in the car to find out.

Edited May 10, 2009 by Valjean

[jubby]

maybe she's just not listening. It happens everywhere. I do it myself

[sorensen]

Soooo frustrating. Has to be worse than 'Up to you'. Those that have a Thai female will understand

Teerak, you want to go to the restaurant tonight or you want go to the pub?

Yes.

Tomorrow do you want we take the kids to the park or stay at home?

Yes.

You want to go shopping at BigC or Tesco?

Yes.

Trying to get round this problem is maddeningly frustrating. How do you get them to understand there are 2 options in each question?

(A slap to the first one who answers 'Yes')

I am speechless. You mean you give your teerak choices and let her take decisions?

Thanks for broaden my mind. This is like a whole new approach to the concept of a Thai partnership for me, like a new found lost philosophy.

......just kidding of course ....I usually just do what I am told

[teacup]

G54

Ooh...I'm sure you know about this, before you married her..............the "UP TO U" thingy.

So why is such a problem now?

Edited May 10, 2009 by teacup

[mauGR1]

It seems that in Asia a straight "no" is unpolite.In this case,"yes" & "up to you" are the same(but different)"Yes" is more polite than "up to you".They think "speak too much" is unpolite

[Thaddeus]

G54

Ooh...I'm sure you know about this, before you married her..............the "UP TO U" thingy.

So why is such a problem now?

Possibly because at first it's cute, but after a while it just gets annoying.

[njpski]

"Up to you" means that teeluk will accept either of the choices you offer because she loves you.

So it is indeed up to you to determine which of the offering she prefers, check tonal hints, body language, refer to your past history with her and then make your decision remembering that you have a 50% chance of doing the right thing!

[teacup]

G54

Ooh...I'm sure you know about this, before you married her..............the "UP TO U" thingy.

So why is such a problem now?

Possibly because at first it's cute, but after a while it just gets annoying.

aahh.....the huni-moon is definitely over!!!

[Texpat]

Would you like a cup of coffee or tea?

Maybe she thinks you're asking her if she would like something to drink, and replies, yes.

Do you want to go to Tesco or Big C?

Maybe she thinks you're asking if she wants to go shopping, and replies, yes.

semantics -- the same confusion could exist between two native speakers.

We need a vacation. What do you think? Do you want to go to Vegas or Miami or Cabo?

Sure! (I would like to go to one of those places)

In your speech, try emphasizing the or and inserting an emphatic pause before the second option.

Works for me.

เข้าใจมัย

Edited May 10, 2009 by Texpat

[LennyW]

The "up to you" thingy, is simply so that YOU make a decision, and should something go wrong as a result of YOUR decision -YOU will hear about it again and again and again......

[noahvail]

I've taken to quoting Rumpole of the Bailey: She who must be obeyed. She just smiles that endearing smile

[G54]

G54

Ooh...I'm sure you know about this, before you married her..............the "UP TO U" thingy.

So why is such a problem now?

Ahhh, Teacup, dear, sweet Boss

There is a lot of sarcasm in there. Yet no matter how hard I try it does sometimes grate on teh nerves a bit to get an answer to what should be a simple question.

As others have noticed, maybe we ask the questions incorrectly.

YET :-

If I say to a Thai lady, 'Do you want 1,000 Baht to go to the shops or do you want 5,000 Baht to go to the shops?' She gives the correct answer and it isn't 'Yes'.

[MJP]

Soooo frustrating. Has to be worse than 'Up to you'. Those that have a Thai female will understand

Teerak, you want to go to the restaurant tonight or you want go to the pub?

Yes.

Tomorrow do you want we take the kids to the park or stay at home?

Yes.

You want to go shopping at BigC or Tesco?

Yes.

Trying to get round this problem is maddeningly frustrating. How do you get them to understand there are 2 options in each question?

(A slap to the first one who answers 'Yes')

Believe me, mine speaks fluent English and the answer usually is "what the f£$k do you think you're doing you £$%^, no I don't want to (fill in whatever), I'm going round to see Mum!"

Or "do whatever the f£$k you like"

Or, "are you still on the bl00dy internet, you'll be up late again tomorrow, you'll never get the garden walls painted"

Just be satisfied with a nondescript 'yes'.

[Sir Burr]

You shouldn't ask the question in the first place.

You should already know the answer using telepathic powers.

All women operate that way, not just Thais.

Edited May 10, 2009 by Sir Burr

[G54]

You shouldn't ask the question in the first place.

You should already know the answer using telepathic powers.

All women operate that way, not just Thais.

Then I had better switch to 'telepathic mode'

So dumb of me to ask the lady!!

[sbk]

Actually, no, not all women operate this way. I do not operate this way, neither of my sisters operate this way and most of my friends do not operate this way.

If I say "up to you" then I really mean, its up to you, that I have no opinion one way or the other. If you ask my opinion, then be prepared to hear it, but if you already have your mind made up and aren't really interested in my opinion but rather in reinforcing your own, then don't ask. You may not like what I have to say. I am not into deception or manipulation.

[basjke]

Soooo frustrating. Has to be worse than 'Up to you'. Those that have a Thai female will understand

Teerak, you want to go to the restaurant tonight or you want go to the pub?

Yes.

Tomorrow do you want we take the kids to the park or stay at home?

Yes.

You want to go shopping at BigC or Tesco?

Yes.

Trying to get round this problem is maddeningly frustrating. How do you get them to understand there are 2 options in each question?

(A slap to the first one who answers 'Yes')

Believe me, mine speaks fluent English and the answer usually is "what the f£$k do you think you're doing you £$%^, no I don't want to (fill in whatever), I'm going round to see Mum!"

Or "do whatever the f£$k you like"

Or, "are you still on the bl00dy internet, you'll be up late again tomorrow, you'll never get the garden walls painted"

Just be satisfied with a nondescript 'yes'.

Judging your post your wife speaks fluent English. :D

Edited May 10, 2009 by basjke

[flying]

Thanks G54 for the laugh! Had me in tears because it is so true.

Also what Texpat said could be the answer

I do the same now & say would you like a cup of coffee?

Or would you like a cup of tea? Which one do you prefer?

Safer though to say....... koon yak duem gaffe ron leaur chai ron?

For some reason they understand that perfectly

[sassienie]

G54

Ooh...I'm sure you know about this, before you married her..............the "UP TO U" thingy.

So why is such a problem now?

Possibly because at first it's cute, but after a while it just gets annoying.

When I first met my Thai wife in England back in 1986 I thought that her naive ignorance and innocence was cute, even used to turn me on.

But later on over the years, I began finding her character as a non opinionated, can’t make a responsible decision, go along with everything I say and do attitude as irritating and frustrating, even though she takes good care of me, good wife and mother to our daughter.

Luckily I have some intelligent friends, Thai and Farang, plus my daughter who I can converse with and bounce any problems that may be bothering me from time to time otherwise I would have cracked up long ago.

[longstebe]

Good topic mate.

I listen for the tone in the reply and the look I get. You can find whats what when asking something that you know for sure she likes and doesn't like. Also most of our wives are younger and look up to us for some sort of guidance. Mine doesn't get much of that though.

[Lickey]

Mrs calls BIL, can you take us shopping in Udon tomorow, he says yes, and after a 20 min call, i ask mrs what time will he pick us up, she has to call him back, so much for the information highway in Thai !!, so he says 8am, so i sleep till 9.30 and he arrives at 10.30, all things normal so far, off we go, the tank is empty [as usual] stops at the first garage and asks for 600bht fuel for 200k round trip,asks me for money, i say no thanks and start the 600mtr walk home, mini-bus is 200bht total and if i want,i will take this, so im gaining some respect, not just a Plastic money man, after 3 years here, ive finally got my mrs to admit that if she doesnt know the answer, dont make up a story just to look good, just tell me, yes, thats true, or ive no idea,or i dont know darling,

Anoher thing i do is "dont look suprised "at a thais story,if you do, it will get bigger and bigger,

[MJP]

Mrs calls BIL, can you take us shopping in Udon tomorow, he says yes, and after a 20 min call, i ask mrs what time will he pick us up, she has to call him back, so much for the information highway in Thai !!, so he says 8am, so i sleep till 9.30 and he arrives at 10.30, all things normal so far, off we go, the tank is empty [as usual] stops at the first garage and asks for 600bht fuel for 200k round trip,asks me for money, i say no thanks and start the 600mtr walk home, mini-bus is 200bht total and if i want,i will take this, so im gaining some respect, not just a Plastic money man, after 3 years here, ive finally got my mrs to admit that if she doesnt know the answer, dont make up a story just to look good, just tell me, yes, thats true, or ive no idea,or i dont know darling,

Anoher thing i do is "dont look suprised "at a thais story,if you do, it will get bigger and bigger,

Same as that. Stamp feet, stamp authority, no more problems. Suddenly after years you find it does actually cost £150 a month to keep the house and family going after all.

Deep, deep joy!

[473geo]

Mrs calls BIL, can you take us shopping in Udon tomorow, he says yes, and after a 20 min call, i ask mrs what time will he pick us up, she has to call him back, so much for the information highway in Thai !!, so he says 8am, so i sleep till 9.30 and he arrives at 10.30, all things normal so far, off we go, the tank is empty [as usual] stops at the first garage and asks for 600bht fuel for 200k round trip,asks me for money, i say no thanks and start the 600mtr walk home, mini-bus is 200bht total and if i want,i will take this, so im gaining some respect, not just a Plastic money man, after 3 years here, ive finally got my mrs to admit that if she doesnt know the answer, dont make up a story just to look good, just tell me, yes, thats true, or ive no idea,or i dont know darling,

Anoher thing i do is "dont look suprised "at a thais story,if you do, it will get bigger and bigger,

A little off topic I know.....but a trip to the shops in a truck for wife and I is 300 baht.....which is ok if we are getting a couple of weeks provisions. For smaller trips into town we take the motorsi a couple of kilometers then the local bus...round trip for 2 is 40 baht plus I enjoy talking to the locals...it is fun...and shows that I will look after the baht.....when we went by bus one day I bought her a denim jacket.....still had change out of what the truck would have cost...when I explained this....she really took it on board.

[canuckamuck]

You guys didn't invent saving money. Most Thais are very good at it. The problem is they either think you have so much why bother saving, or that you can't handle living the way they find normal. Of course a few of them have you pegged for a sucker as well. Over time you'll find your middle road.

[pnustedt]

Also most of our wives are younger and look up to us for some sort of guidance.

I've only got the one wife and she's same age as me. She tells me what to do, I don't have to ask.

Part of the problem may be that there is no single word in Thai for "no". The equivalent is "not yes" or mai chai.

[Jungian]

My wife speaks fluent English and was educated abroad. I don't think I could deal with a language barrier as I feel communication is the biggest part of a relationship. I guess my suggestion would be to send you partner to an English school or try to teach her yourself.

[G54]

Good topic mate.

I listen for the tone in the reply and the look I get. You can find whats what when asking something that you know for sure she likes and doesn't like. Also most of our wives are younger and look up to us for some sort of guidance. Mine doesn't get much of that though.

Thanks.

I tend to look at the face and eyes. If the smile matches both mouth and eyes, I know it is OK.

That simple raising of the head for a nod of yes is usually a good warning sign of disapproval.

I'm not the best one to give her guidance as my route is usually the wrong one. Reverse psychology can help