A Typical Conversation With My Wife

[Moonrakers]

Wife: Do you need anything for the office?

Me: Yeah, some tea-bags and stuff.

Wife: OK, do you have some pitty cat?

Me: Eh?

Wife: Petty cat do you have pitty cat?

Me: We don't have a cat

Wife: No, Pitty cat for teabags for office.

Me: <deleted> are you talking about?

Wife: PITTY CAT stupid, you know, petty cat so I can buy coffee.

Me: Is this a joke?

Wife: Pitty cat. Money to buy teabags.

Me: Money...... Hang on, you mean Petty Cash right?

Wife: Yes, that's what I tell you. Pitty cat.

Me: OK then, here's some Pitty cat.

Edited January 28, 2010 by Moonrakers

[buffcoat]

Fantastic stuff, sitting here at my desk wiping the tears from my eyes much to the bemusement of my colleagues.

We have many of the same problems and I certainly recognise the stare of incredulity that I can be so dumb not to understand 'plain English'.

My attempts to speak Thai reduce 'her' to quiet despair and only reinforce her view that she has married someone who is more than a little challenged linguistically.

[sharecropper]

My wife came back from the market tonight:

Me: "What did you buy"?

SHE "A chicken theatre duster"

ME: We haven't got a chicken theatre. What the heck is that? (imagining making my fortune with chickens on Broadway)

SE: What chickens have on their body.

ME "Oh, chicken FEATHER duster"

SHE "That what I said" !

[ableguy]

thats what you call inter racial marriage. at least your wives try to speak your language!! Any chance you can put the paper and beer down and try to reciprocate in Thai - Nah no fcking chance lazy spoilt barsterads. Flame on I dont care the truth hurts

goodness change your medication

[trevorg]

thats what you call inter racial marriage. at least your wives try to speak your language!! Any chance you can put the paper and beer down and try to reciprocate in Thai - Nah no fcking chance lazy spoilt barsterads. Flame on I dont care the truth hurts

goodness change your medication

nonthaburial

I do reciprocate in Thai, and where can you get a paper?

Why don't you PM F1fanatic on the subject, she loves it?

[packhik]

Just got done making love to wife early in our marriage.

Wife---Your cock no good

Me--What?????

Wife--Your cock no good

Me--What the hel_l do you mean by that??

Wife--I mean your cock no work

ME---What the hel_l? You say I no good?

Wife-Not you your cock (then she points to my CLOCK)

Me--ohhh my clock...

She had me worried there for a bit but now we just laugh about it...

[stevemck]

Trust me guy's my wife spent 42 years living and working in the US. It doesn't matter I still don't understand what she's talking about half the time. and we have conversations like those posted.

[stevemck]

My wife has a habit of not throwing things away. Even things such as broken TV remotes she insists on keeping.

For this reason, one day I let her know just what a hoarder she is..........

Even to this day, I swear at times I can hear the echo from the hand to face (mine) connection.

Yeah I know, I told my wife she was a sexy Bixch one time. One time was enough, It didn't matter how much I tried to convince her it was a good thing. took weeks to get over that one.

[hawthorne]

I think it goes both ways

We were out at Lum pin (the outdoor concert) and I was apparently drunk. My wife says she kept telling me it was time to go home becuase I was drunk. I kept telling her I was seven.

The next morning she kept asking me what does seven mean?

After further discussion I relized I must have been trying to say sober...so she was right, I was drunk

[Patron]

Wife...Help me please, I onion hurts in chicken

Me...What

Wife....Onion hurts in chicken

Me...Oh...you mean when I cook chicken last night and put onion in belly, that hurt him?

Wife...What you talk about chicken last night for?

Me...What are you saying?

Wife...Oh no, why I have to marry man not smart.....she now goes downstairs and comes back carrying a ironing board and the iron

Me... Oh so you want to iron my shirts in the kitchen?

Wife... what you think I say

[sharecropper]

I think it goes both ways

We were out at Lum pin (the outdoor concert) and I was apparently drunk. My wife says she kept telling me it was time to go home becuase I was drunk. I kept telling her I was seven.

The next morning she kept asking me what does seven mean?

After further discussion I relized I must have been trying to say sober...so she was right, I was drunk

Or:

1. You were saying you were seven (not three) sheets to the wind; or

2. You were the unwitting victim of an outrageous drugging by 7:11 who had sold you alcoholic drinks laced with booze, and you were trying to give her the name of the guilty party before falling into a Pattaya Ladyboy-Hotel-Room-Drink-Spiked style stupor.

[sharecropper]

Spoke to my wife just now, who was driving back from Bangkok. I'm business-hassled and have lost track of dates/days while she has been away.

Me to wife: "When you get back we will go and get some food"

WIFE: "I thought you will cook Italian food tonight"

ME: (puzzled) "I only do that on special occassions"

WIFE: "It's my birthday".

No excuses, but I thought it was on the 4th, so at least I have everything already bought.

[duceahearts]

Wife...Help me please, I onion hurts in chicken

Me...What

Wife....Onion hurts in chicken

Me...Oh...you mean when I cook chicken last night and put onion in belly, that hurt him?

Wife...What you talk about chicken last night for?

Me...What are you saying?

Wife...Oh no, why I have to marry man not smart.....she now goes downstairs and comes back carrying a ironing board and the iron

Me... Oh so you want to iron my shirts in the kitchen?

Wife... what you think I say

"Onion hurts in chicken" classic.

[longway]

Visiting my gf for the first time in Isaan in the family home. I get seafood for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, I couldnt take it anymore and ask her not to make seafood for a day at least.

What do see for lunch, but of course, a whole fish. I look at her and ask, but I thought you would not cook seafood today. Stung, she retorts back not seafood, riverfood!

[BlackArtemis]

These posts are great!

My wife was tutoring a university girl in English. (A nursing student)

The student brought up that her teacher constantly says "Kia" and has no idea what it means.

After going back and forth and trying to find the context she realized the teacher was saying "Clear?" as in "Are we clear, everyone understand everything?"

So this has become a big joke between us. My wife will say something and then "Kia?"

sometimes I reply, No, Hyundai.

[craigt3365]

Great stuff. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it drive you crazy! I once took a taxi to Major Cineplex Ratchayothin. Told the drive where I wanted to go. He had no idea. After about 6 tries, he went "Oh! may-JEER sin-e-pec". Yeah, that's it...

Tried to order pork noodle soup the other day. Asked for cat-e-ow moo. Ladies were laughing like crazy. Told my wife later and she said I was ordering penis noodle soup! I have since stopped trying to talk Thai to strangers...

[sanook2me]

Great stuff. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it drive you crazy! I once took a taxi to Major Cineplex Ratchayothin. Told the drive where I wanted to go. He had no idea. After about 6 tries, he went "Oh! may-JEER sin-e-pec". Yeah, that's it...

Tried to order pork noodle soup the other day. Asked for cat-e-ow moo. Ladies were laughing like crazy. Told my wife later and she said I was ordering penis noodle soup! I have since stopped trying to talk Thai to strangers...

Thats funny... the restaurant ladies in my condo told my wife that another farang in the condo when ordering his normal dish always says a word for "<removed>" instead of the food item...he doesn't know and they haven't told him they just laugh about it....

can't remember the food now I think its this...it maybe he tries to say het (mushroom?) and is saying yet(<removed>) it maybe a typo on the menu..

However, funny just like your penis soup!

[stevef]

heres one i had with my mrs

her: man next door he not work he retired

me :oh ok good for him

her: man next door he go out he sell fish

me: you just tell me he retired??

her : yes he retired

me: he have shop then? for buisness

her: who say that

me: you just say tell me he sell fish

her: no he sell fish

me : were in shop

her: no you fuc_king stupid he always go out leave g/f at home he selfish

end of conversation

[craigt3365]

My wife won't teach me the bad words...probably smart for her to do that. I always like ordering pumpkin soup...or lotus flower seeds. Cracks me up every time. <removed> bua or <removed> tong. I remember sitting in a beer bar when one of the girls waked in with the flower/seeds. I had been drinking and asked her what it was. The reply almost made me spit out my beer! Thought she was propositioning me or something....and in a beer bar no less! ;-)

My wife spent 6 years in the US, and studied English there for 2 years. So, she speaks pretty good. But in the beginning, I use to laugh all the time. Now that we are back here, I notice her English is getting worse. So I guess I am looking forward to some more laughs!!

Edited February 4, 2010 by craigt3365

[sanook2me]

A great Sunday morning chat about hi-so's, politicians and the British Royal family

Her...Jonny Bear..

me..who? jonny Bear??

her..Jonny Bear...war...war..USA....boom...iraq

me..Tony Blair and Goerge Bush..

her...yes...Tony Bear!

next...

her...Prince Charles and camera

me..Charles and camera?

her...Charles and camel

me..Charles and camel?

her...Charles wife not beautiful...old duay..big teeth..... not like beautiful Diana...

me. Not camera or camel but Camilla..that would be...

[YankeeVet]

While walking out the door of our condo...

Wife: You go get alligator.

Me: Alligator?

Wife: Yes, you go get alligator.

Me: Honey, they don't have alligators in Thailand, only crocodiles.

Angry Wife: What you talk about? I say go push button for alligator!

Me: Oh, elevator.

Angry Wife: That's what I say! Why you always do this?

The wife is an English speaking tour guide by the way. But this stuff happens all the time to us. Love this thread.

[bkkjames]

I am surprised that two 3 letter people of red and blue distinction have let this thread last....anyways before they catch on let me say..

Me "Dear, what you want for dinner tonight?"

Wife "I don't know, whatever"

Me "Feel like pork chops, baked potatos?"

Wife "No, I want Salmon".

[Moonrakers]

A great Sunday morning chat about hi-so's, politicians and the British Royal family

Her...Jonny Bear..

me..who? jonny Bear??

her..Jonny Bear...war...war..USA....boom...iraq

me..Tony Blair and Goerge Bush..

her...yes...Tony Bear!

next...

her...Prince Charles and camera

me..Charles and camera?

her...Charles and camel

me..Charles and camel?

her...Charles wife not beautiful...old duay..big teeth..... not like beautiful Diana...

me. Not camera or camel but Camilla..that would be...

She wasn't that far out with camel, maybe she meant to say it. 

[craigt3365]

I am surprised that two 3 letter people of red and blue distinction have let this thread last....anyways before they catch on let me say..

Me "Dear, what you want for dinner tonight?"

Wife "I don't know, whatever"

Me "Feel like pork chops, baked potatos?"

Wife "No, I want Salmon".

Perfect. How about this:

Me "What would you like to do tonight?"

Wife "up to you"

me "ok, how about we stay home and you cook a nice meal for us?"

wife "ok, up to you....long silece...but I wanted to go out"

me "no worries, but if that is what you want, just say it!"

wife "ok, up to you"

Me " Ok, how about if we go out tonight?"

wife "ok, thank you my lovea husband"

me "great, let's get ready"

It is really good to be a mind reader over here!

[kimamey]

what is Her Indoors?

Her Indoors = "She who must be obeyed" or "the trouble and strife" or "the cheese and kisses" my better half <LI>the old ball and chain

And we think Thai is difficult to understand.

[sanook2me]

While walking out the door of our condo...

Wife: You go get alligator.

Me: Alligator?

Wife: Yes, you go get alligator.

Me: Honey, they don't have alligators in Thailand, only crocodiles.

Angry Wife: What you talk about? I say go push button for alligator!

Me: Oh, elevator.

Angry Wife: That's what I say! Why you always do this?

The wife is an English speaking tour guide by the way. But this stuff happens all the time to us. Love this thread.

Animals come into this thread alot..from the chicken room now to pressing the button for alligator! beauty!

What i notice is a common thread among the posts is how quick these laid back smiley Thai wives go from docile to blitzkreig anger in the matter of a few sentences..

[james24]

going back to the OP, why did you tell her that next month is June, its March isnt it?

[sunny747]

friend of mine working At Abac as a lecturer. so there was this girl absent in the class for few days. Upon her arrival , he called her in his office to know the real situation otherwise she will miss her final exam due to less attendance.

teacher : why are you absent for so many days? you will have to drop your course

girl : all puzzled. i go my home ajarn

teacher : what home?

girl: home far.

teacher: may i know why?

girl: i go to fry my grandmother!!!

(means she went for the funeral of her grandmother and the burning rituals )

this is from my side :

once i was walking with my thai friend in a very hot afternoon. after talking this and that he goes,

friend : my leather is burning man!!

me : burning what?

friend : leather man ,leatherrrr...showing his skin on his hand!!! means his skin is getting roasted in the hot sun.

[turnpike]

wife was talking this morning about her father's "pay attention".

she was referring to his pension.

[a2396]

A bit of a sorry state, with so many guys involved in relationships with women they can hardly communicate with. Unfortunately, not a lot of options here. The majority of univ grads in LOS have little or no English skills. Even some of them I have known, who are graduate English majors, still are thinking and speaking "Thai style". Fortunately, I have a couple ladies who speak excellent English, have quick minds and pay attention to what is being said and are able reply with answers related to the topic being discussed.