Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.


September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.


September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.


October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth .


October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?


November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.
Stupid repairman.


November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!


November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!


November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the <deleted>!


November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid <deleted>. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!


December 1

WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!

[Ron19]

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clockin the evening,

eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there

until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the

cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clockthey are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough,

a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

[Teddy1]

A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what’s wrong? ...

The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news.

The patient says, alright what the bad news is.

The doctor says I have to amputate your leg.

The patient asks, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.

[laislica]

A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor what’s wrong? ...

The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news.

The patient says, alright what the bad news is.

The doctor says I have to amputate your leg.

The patient asks, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.

The ole memory slipping?

This is a re-post of the one you made in #2022

[bangkokpoppys]

A man has some tests done. And he asked the doctor whats wrong? ...

The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news.

The patient says, alright what the bad news is.

The doctor says I have to amputate your leg.

The patient asks, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.

The ole memory slipping?

This is a re-post of the one you made in #2022

Cue the altzeihmers gags ....!!

[WitawatWatawit]

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

[WitawatWatawit]

An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

[WitawatWatawit]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that ...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just ...didn't have the time.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I ...couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't very noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I ..didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

[bangkokpoppys]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor. It was a so-so job, and I guess I just wasn't suited for it.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that ...was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just ...didn't have the time.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I ...couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't very noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I ..didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I'M A PERFECT FIT FOR THIS JOB!

just checking to see whether you have done a lot of wedding speeches…!

[laislica]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.

[WitawatWatawit]

Good Advice - Military Style

- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a ***** -- and therefore, unsafe."

- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

[WitawatWatawit]

A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked what it resembled.

"That's two poodles having sex," replied the patient.

To the second inkblot, the patient said, "That's a naked gal leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her."

The doctor showed him the third inkblot.

"That's a pair of crotchless underpants," the patient said.

Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, "You have a filthy, disgusting mind!"

"Look who's talking!" the patient cried. "You're the one with all the dirty pictures."

---

[eefoo]

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a ***** -- and therefore, unsafe."

Who censored out the word 'helicopter' to only 5 stars?

[MW72]

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a ***** -- and therefore, unsafe."

Who censored out the word 'helicopter' to only 5 stars?

I'm pretty sure it was posted like that. I was going to point out it should be helicopter but at the time I couldn't be *****

I'm pretty sure I first saw the quote on a game. Battlefield or Call of Duty?

[loong]

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a ***** -- and therefore, unsafe."

Who censored out the word 'helicopter' to only 5 stars?

Does a helicopter have wings? It has an upward facing propeller.

[onthemoon]

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a ***** -- and therefore, unsafe."

Who censored out the word 'helicopter' to only 5 stars?

Does a helicopter have wings? It has an upward facing propeller.

Helicopter = rotary wing aircraft

Airplane = fixed wing aircraft

[MW72]

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a ***** -- and therefore, unsafe."

Who censored out the word 'helicopter' to only 5 stars?

Does a helicopter have wings? It has an upward facing propeller.

Helicopter = rotary wing aircraft

Airplane = fixed wing aircraft

Correct. Both have same aerodynamic shape designed to create lift. I work on an airfield that has two designated areas. One is the fixed wing and one is the rotary wing.

Sent from my KFTT using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[Robby nz]

Somehow that reminded me of the army sergeants one joke.

Did you use a mirror when you shaved this morning ?

Yes sargent

Then tomorrow use a razor.

[riceyummm]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got! a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.

We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000 . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A similar joke.

A husband and wife were vacationing in Alaska when they decided to go out on a charter fishing boat. A large wave washed her overboard where she disappeared immediately. The Coast Guard were called out for the search and the husband went back to his hotel to await the outcome. Six hours later a CG officer calls on the man at the hotel.

"Sir, we dragged the bottom and managed to snag your wife's body, when we pulled her up there were 12 huge king crabs attached to her feeding on her body. But we do have some good news."

"Good news!? What kind of <deleted> good news could there be!?"

"Well sir.....were pulling her up again tomorrow."

[WitawatWatawit]

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"

Brother Tito said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk.

[WitawatWatawit]

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

[WitawatWatawit]

The sexual urge of a camel

Is worse than anyone thinks.

One day in the desert near Cairo

It conceived an urge for the Sphinx.

Now the Sphinx's parts are old and dry

and filled with sands of the Nile,

and that explains the camel's hump

and the Sphinx's inscrutible smile.

[loong]

Is there a prize for the worst joke ever?

A couple were indulging in some post coital conversation....

Her: "I heard some of the neighbours talking today and they said that you are a pedophile"

Him: "Wow!"

Her: "Darling, why do you look surprised?"

Him: "Do you know what pedophile means?"

Her: "I think so"

Him: "Oh you are so clever, that's a big word for such a little girl"

That must qualify.

[bangkokpoppys]

Is there a prize for the worst joke ever?

A couple were indulging in some post coital conversation....

Her: "I heard some of the neighbours talking today and they said that you are a pedophile"

Him: "Wow!"

Her: "Darling, why do you look surprised?"

Him: "Do you know what pedophile means?"

Her: "I think so"

Him: "Oh you are so clever, that's a big word for such a little girl"

That must qualify.

Yellow jersey!

A bit like:

How does Michael Jackson know what time it is to go to bed?

When the little hand touches the big hand.

I'm outta here!

[laislica]

Want to stop visiting family and friends drinking your booze?

Hide it in open view.

Mine's on the shelves at the local 7/11 !

Worried you may be drinking too much wine?
Come to Thailand - now you can't afford it!

Sorry Boys, the best I could come up with....

[loong]

Want to stop visiting family and friends drinking your booze?

Hide it in open view.

Mine's on the shelves at the local 7/11 !

Reminds me of when I went to the village shop and bought a few bottles of beer.

There was a woman sitting there and she said that she would like to drink a beer.

I pointed to the shopkeeper and said "if you give her 40 Baht, you can"

[WitawatWatawit]

A guy goes into the grocery store and asks for a can of dog food, the grocer says "Wheres the dog"

The man says, "Whats the dog have to do with me buying a can of dog food?"

To which the grocer replies "Thats the store policy if you want dog food you have to show me the dog."

Infuriated he storms out of the store. The following day he returns and says, "Ok then give me a can of cat food"

To which the grocer replies" "Wheres the cat?"

" What the hell is going on?" He demands.

"Sorry but policy is policy if you want dog food bring the dog. Iif you want cat food bring the cat. Policy is policy."

The man again storms out of the store, only to return the next day with a paper bag, he tells the grocer to stick his hand in the bag and the grocer says: "Oh my God man, there's **** in there!"

" Two rolls of toilet paper please!"

[WitawatWatawit]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention . She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[WitawatWatawit]

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an ideaHe put the biggest sign of all over his own shopIt read: MAIN ENTRANCE!

[WitawatWatawit]

The Sunday School Teacher asks, Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

No sir, Little Johnny replies, I dont have to, my mom is a good cook!

There was this man in a Mental Hospital

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, I dont hear anything.The mental patient said, Yeah, I know. Its been like that for months!

The Ultimate Sacrifice

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesnt let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.