A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

I met a Prostitue while in Eastern Europe, she said, "You want business""

i said "how much my love", she said 10 Marks blow job, full sex 50 marks.

I had sex with her all night and has i was leaving. She shouted " Hey what about the Marks!"

and i shouted back "seven out of 10 love", and shut the door.

A Muslim boy asks his mother,
"Mama, what's the difference between Democracy and Racism?"
Mother dressed in her Burkha says "Well, son, Democracy is when the
UK tax payers work hard every day so that we can get all our benefits..... you know, like free housing, free health care, free education and grants to build our mosques and community centre’s,& so on & so forth, you know… that's a Democracy".
"But Mama, don't the English tax payers get angry about that?"
"Sure they do…. and that's what we call Racism!"

There is no such thing as an inappropriate joke

Thats why it's a JOKE!

I met a nice Thai lady at Tesco, she was remarkably keen on coming home with me.

Later on I found "she" had a very unexpected item in the bagging area,

Q -- What Is long and hard and makes a woman groan and moan?
A -- An Ironing board

How do you make a woman moan during sex?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

ah, yes. The romantic Yorkshireman - click HERE

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here.

An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father.

" Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad." Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poofter."

Need the level back down again

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.... Then it's a soap opera

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years time. Come on, I don't have 2020 vision.

and finally the new million dollar T-Shirt idea

Look! I'm wearing a Thai.

Oz

I saw the punch line coming!!

But a better read that a lot of posts on here.

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this post is the only intelligent thing on TVF....

OK, trying to stay on track:-

A load of paddys went on a mystery coach trip.

They had a sweep stake to guess where they were going.

The driver won 68 quid!!.

a coach load of blind people go for a day out in Blackpool and the organiser decided to let the m play a game of football on the beach. In order for them to know where the ball is he wrapped it up in little bells.

anyway, the game started and the bell idea was working well. all the blind folk ran after the ball and managed to kick it on. the organiser and driver thought a well earned pint was called for and left them to it.

a little later a horrified member of the public ran into the pub and shouted for the leader of the blind peoples day out to sort them out.

"what's the problem?" he asked.

"your people are kickking the sh-t out of one of the donkeys."

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw a Muslim Book Store.
I was wondering what was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked,
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding
Muslims and illegal Mexicans? ”
The clerk said, "<deleted> off, get out and stay out!”
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback

this post is the only intelligent thing on TVF....

Sorry, I don't get it.

Baron Frankenstein entered a body - building contest only to discover that he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

Baron Frankenstein's monster got married.

Frankenstein was a bit concerned about a certain part of the monster's anatomy.

Frankensteins fears were realised when he got a phone call from the monster to tell him that a certain part could not stand up to the pounding it was getting and had fallen off.

Frankenstein made like the Thai police and rushed to the scene where he surgically attached a replacement and the monster was happy for the rest of the night.

And that coined the phrase

"As useful as a spare prick at a wedding"

which means that something or someone is really useful and appreciated.

Q:What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A:You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves

They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..

Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't

Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your behind!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

‘April’, he yelled into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."


So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow
Job is $1000."

The hooker says, "No, $1500."
" I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."



The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"



The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"






The hooker says, "No. But I would If I had a pussy!"

A black guy step into a bar...with a parakeet on his shoulder..

The bartender asked..."Where you got that"??

The parakeet responded.."In Africa...there are a lot of them"

The Greek god Zeus was flying over a Greek island and noticed a naked woman washing herself, so he swooped down and made love to her.

Then he said, "In 9 months you shall have a child and you shall call him Hercules!"

And the woman replied, "In 9 days you shall have a rash and you shall call it herpes."

I copied

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Tell me Joe...What you will do if you find your wife in bed with another man?

I will brake his white cane!...Bob

White cane? How do you know he will have a white cane?

Because only a blind man can be in bed with my wife.....