What if there were no hypothetical situations?

 

Two blondes walk into a building... You'd think one of them would have seen it.

What's the best thing about babies? Making them.

 

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.　

　

Why don't lobsters like sharing? Because they're shellfish.

 

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

 

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

 

Sad but true, I am led to believe!

6 minutes ago, riceyummm said:

That's the ticket!

 

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.

 

The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on me and stick me in a jar.

 

The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.

 

The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

 

Man walks into a bar and orders six whiskeys. Putting them in a row, he downs the first glass, then the third and finally the fifth.

 

"Excuse me," the bartender says as the man turns to leave. "But you left three glasses untouched."

 

"I know," the man says. "My doctor says it’s okay to have the odd drink."

 

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says,

"Quick, pour me a double Rum, before the trouble starts."

 

The bartender pours the large rum and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says,

"Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."

 

The bartender pours another large glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.

The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'

 

After several more rounds of this, the bartender says,

"Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for over an hour. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"

 

The sailor looks at the bartender and grins, passes wind at both ends and slurs out.

"The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a

bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really
want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

 

I never make mistakes… I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

 

I always say no to alcohol. It just doesn't listen.

 

What's the difference between an Scottish funeral and an Scottish wedding? One less drunk.

 

A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

Never argue with a fool. They'll lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

　

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

 

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.

She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

 

Wee Jock & Big Jimmy were walking along a street in London.

Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.

 

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".

"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy

 

They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!

 

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"

 

 

 

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners…….." !

5 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

 

Seeing that photo brought tears to my eyes.

Trump Team Intelligence Test 

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England and he asked her, "Your  Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well,"replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me  are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea."Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."  
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom."Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walked into the room and said, Yes Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said,  "Answer me this, if you would,Theresa.  Your mother and father have a child.  It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

 

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. "Mike, answer this for me.  Your mother and your father have a child.  It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure,"said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one."  He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.                                                            

 

Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night.  Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me?  Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered right back "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

 

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.  It's Sarah Palin!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot!  It's Theresa May!"

 

A politician running for office was outraged at certain remarks that had been made about him in the local newspaper. Incensed, he barged into the editorial room of the paper and shouted, "You are printing lies about me, and you know it!" "Relax," the editor said calmly, "What on God’s green earth would you do if we told the truth about you?"

 

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car. "Yep," replied the farmer. "Where are they?" asked the sheriff. "Over there," replied the farmer, pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.

"You buried them?" asked the sheriff, "Were they still alive?"

Replied the farmer, "They said they were, but you know how those people lie."

 

Political speeches are like a steer: A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

 

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important.

　

How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They’ll only ever promise change.

 

Reporter One: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false saviour offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter Two: And that concludes our report from the White House.　

　

What does a politician and a pornstar have in common?

They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

 

Why did Donald Trump ban shredded cheese as his first act as president?

He wanted to fulfill a campaign promise to "Make America Grate Again".

　

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the President, "That she has a big mouth."

　

 

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a larger brand-new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read,

"Best Deals."

 

He was horrified when another, even larger competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, "Lowest Prices."

 

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own small shop—it read;

 

 

"Main Entrance."

 

Father: Emily, have you seen the newspaper?

Emily: Yes, Mother wrapped the garbage in it and threw it out.

Father: Darn. I’d like to have seen what was in it before she threw it out.

Emily: I can tell you what was in it, Daddy. Some chicken bones, coffee grounds, and old vegetables!

 

Timmy: My brother just got a puppy.

Jimmy: Do you help take care of him?

Timmy: No, my brother’s old enough to take care of himself.

　

Ann: Our house is going to be warm this winter.

Pam: How do you know?

Ann: My father just painted it and he gave it two coats.

　

Susie: May I try on that dress in the window?

Salesperson: I’m sorry, ma’am, you’ll have to do it in the dressing room!

　

Annie: Mother, the piano tuner is here.

Mother: Who sent for the piano tuner?

Annie: The neighbors!

　

Father: Son, when you grow up I want you to be a gentleman.

Son: But I don’t want to be a gentleman. I want to be just like you!

 

Mother: Mickey, I can’t hear you saying your prayers.

Mickey: That’s because I’m not talking to you.

The young virgin Australian sailor couldn’t wait for shore leave in the Big Apple.

 

He lost no time picking up a hooker and bringing her back to his hotel room. Asking her to undress, he proceeded to lean the bed up against the wall and toss every other article of furniture out the window, down the air shaft.

“What the <deleted> are you planning to do with me?” asked the hooker nervously.

“I’m not exactly sure, Ma’am,” answered the Australian,

 

“but if it’s anything like it is with a kangaroo, we’ll need all the room we can get.”