Hello Awl (joiner joke)

　

Why would Jesus be your first choice as dinner guest?

Jesus would never run out of food or drink

 

An adult man was converting and becoming a Jew. When asked if he minded being circumcised, he replied, "Why not, it’s no skin off my nose."

　

A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.

　

When I was a kid, one cop could have taken care of the whole neighborhood. Now one cop wouldn’t be safe in the neighbourhood.

 

How many Mafia gangsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. You gotta problem with that?

 

What does the bride of a Russian man get on her wedding night that’s long and hard? A new last name.

 

What are three words you never want to hear when you’re making love? "Honey, I’m home!"

　

Why does an Australian man close his eyes when he has sex? Because he doesn’t like to see a woman disappointed!

Why does a Scotsman close his eyes when he has sex? Because he doesn’t like to see a woman enjoy herself!

 

What’s the difference between a dead cat on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? A dead cat has skid marks around it.

 

Juries scare me. I don’t want to put my fate in the hands of twelve people who weren’t even smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

Male dentists are the only men in our society who actually want to tell a women to open their mouths and not be worried about it.

 

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. But I came and left early.

 

Why have laboratories switched from rats to lawyers for their experiments?

1. There’s no shortage of lawyers.

2. You don’t get so attached to them.

3. After all, there are some things you can’t get rats to do.

 

I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months—I don’t like to interrupt her.

 

I am not saying I am getting old but  whenever I order a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up-front!

　

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. Unfortunately I had stepped on a garden rake, they are not much good now!

　

Is it wrong to have sex before you’re married?

Only if it makes you late for the ceremony!

 

I know a guy who plays a pretty good piano. It’s a Steinway.

 

 

A good woman is like a good Casino.   Liquor in the front and poker in the rear.

　

　

Bathroom Call

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

 

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

 

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my b*lls."

 

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

 

"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mechanical mop bucket!"

I just got back from the zoo.

I saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was bread in captivity.

I just got back from the zoo.
I saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It was bread in captivity.

I went to a zoo.

It was rubbish they only had one dog in the whole place !!

It was a Shitzu !! [emoji20]

Try again-different computer-the previous attempt above failed!

 

 (it does not seem as funny as it did last night-sorry)

 

Musical Toilet

So there is a musical toilet and whoever sits on it, the toilet will sing you a song.

 

So the first guy, Bob, went in and came out and a guy, Larry, asked "What did it sing for you?" and Bob said "Amazing Grace"

 

Another guy, Sam, went in and came out and Larry asked "What did it sing for you?" and Sam said "Star Spangled Banner"

 

Another guy, Jack, went in and came out and Larry asked "What did it sing for you?" and Jack said "MY Ding A Ling"

 

Another guy, Randy, went in and came out and Larry asked "What did it sing for you?" and Randy said "Love is a many splendored thing"

 

Eventually Larry went in and came out but when he came out from sitting on the musical toilet he looked very embarrassed and when they all asked "What did it sing for you?"

 

Larry answered "Do you see what I see?"

So there I was sat in my van.

I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour.

Then there was movement at the front door.I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me.

As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van.

I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back.

I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground.

My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I

crawled slowly to the door.

Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings.

Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly.

Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door.

I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene.

 

 

 

 

 

And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered.

Proud to be Royal Mail.

 

 

 

Safeway is a grocery store ...

 

 

Three men are captured and are going to be killed. The only way they can live is if they pass a trial. They must go into the jungle and find ten pieces of fruit. The first man comes back quickly with ten apples. The leader of the men who captured them then says, "Now you must shove them up your ass without facial expression." The man puts the first apple up there with no problem. But on the second apple he winces and is killed. The next man comes back with some small berries. They tell him the same thing. Suddenly, while he is putting the tenth berry up there he bursts into laughter. The first man and the second man meet in heaven. The first man asks, "You were so close, why did you laugh?" He replies, "I saw the last guy returning with pineapples."

 

What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?

A urination.

 

What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

You look flushed!

　

 

Boy: Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Only if you have completed your homework and can say the alphabet

Boy: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz

Teacher: Where's the p?

Boy: "Half way down my leg."

 

In a particular small country, there was a king.

 

He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him.

 

And the king was pleased.

 

Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased.

 

The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.

 

 

The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

A movie director decides that he's going to make a movie based on the lives of famous classical composers.

Looking for a prospective cast, he asks Sylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie.

Stallone thinks for a moment and says, "I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart."

The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he'd like to play.

 

Arnold replies, "I'll be Bach!"