An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man kept staring.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied,  "Got drunk once and had some really torrid sex with a big grey African parrot."

 

" I was just wondering if you were my son."

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,

"Please come quickly. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".

The manager responded, "Sir, that’s a personal matter".

 

Husband, "You idiot, it’s a maintenance matter … the window won’t open!"

A blonde and a brunette board an elevator and push the button for the top floor. At the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit gets in.

The shoulder of his suit and the lapels are covered with dandruff.

Two floors later the man gets off.

When the door closes the brunette says,

"I wish I could get back down there and give that guy some Head & Shoulders."

"Wow!" said the blonde,

 

"how do you give shoulders?"

The worst day of my life when my best friend ran off with my wife 10 years on

 

 

 

and I still miss him.

6 minutes ago, laislica said:

I just love it (or am I showing my age?)when the tune just "Poppins" to your head without thinking about it!

9 minutes ago, laislica said:

The worst day of my life when my best friend ran off with my wife 10 years on

 

 

 

and I still miss him.

I wonder if he considers you his best friend now or are you being stalked either on face book or for real?  If so you know who it may be!   

Remember Lada cars.

Why  do Lara's  have heated rear windows,

To keep your hands warm when pushing them.

 

Big competition at our local  pub ,first prize is a Lada car,

second prize is two Lada cars .

 

How do double the value of a Lada ,change the oil.

 

What to buy a new 16 valve Lada,with 8 valves in the engine and 8 in the radio .

 

What is the difference between a golf ball and a Lada. You can drive a golf ball  200 yards.

 

What do you call a Lada with a sunshine roof .A skip 

Canon can LOL

 

My mate bought a new DSLR camera wist 4 high speed CPU's,

the shutter speed is that fast,

he took a photo of his wife with her mouth shut!!!!

Here are a few more LADA jokes/comments;

 

What do you call a convertible Lada with twin exhausts?  A wheelbarrow

 

A man goes into a car accessory shop and says to the assistant, 'Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?' The assistant thinks to himself for a moment and then replies, 'OK, it seems like a fair swap'

 

What do you call a Lada driver who says he has a speeding ticket?  A liar

 

A man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.

'It's no good mate, the car's no good for me,' says the man to the car dealer.

'Why not?' asks the car dealer.

'Do you see that long road over there?' says the man, pointing. 'Well it will only get up to 75 up there'.

'That's not bad really sir, especially for a Lada. I can't see a problem with that'.

'Trouble is,' said the man, 'I live at 95'

 

How do you double the value of a Lada?  Fill the tank !

How can you make policemen laugh?  Tell them your Lada just got stolen.

　

　

What's the difference between a Jehovah Witness and a Lada?  You can shut the door on a Jehovah Witness!

What do you call a Lada in the winter?         A freezer.

What do you call a Lada in the summer?    An oven.

Why do Ladas have a rear window wash wipe ?  To remove the flies that crash into them.

What is the difference between a Lada and the flu ?   You can get rid of the flu !

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill ?  A miracle. 

What do you call a Lada with a long radio aerial?  A dodgem!

What's the difference between a Lada and tickets for an Oasis concert?   Oasis tickets go fast!

 

From a newspaper AD:

"To the person who stole my Skoda in minus 10 degrees of frost. Keep the Skoda, but please tell me how the hell you started it!"

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Here are a few more LADA jokes/comments;

 

What do you call a convertible Lada with twin exhausts?  A wheelbarrow

 

A man goes into a car accessory shop and says to the assistant, 'Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?' The assistant thinks to himself for a moment and then replies, 'OK, it seems like a fair swap'

 

What do you call a Lada driver who says he has a speeding ticket?  A liar

 

A man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.

'It's no good mate, the car's no good for me,' says the man to the car dealer.

'Why not?' asks the car dealer.

'Do you see that long road over there?' says the man, pointing. 'Well it will only get up to 75 up there'.

'That's not bad really sir, especially for a Lada. I can't see a problem with that'.

'Trouble is,' said the man, 'I live at 95'

 

How do you double the value of a Lada?  Fill the tank !

How can you make policemen laugh?  Tell them your Lada just got stolen.

　

　

What's the difference between a Jehovah Witness and a Lada?  You can shut the door on a Jehovah Witness!

What do you call a Lada in the winter?         A freezer.

What do you call a Lada in the summer?    An oven.

Why do Ladas have a rear window wash wipe ?  To remove the flies that crash into them.

What is the difference between a Lada and the flu ?   You can get rid of the flu !

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill ?  A miracle. 

What do you call a Lada with a long radio aerial?  A dodgem!

What's the difference between a Lada and tickets for an Oasis concert?   Oasis tickets go fast!

 

From a newspaper AD:

"To the person who stole my Skoda in minus 10 degrees of frost. Keep the Skoda, but please tell me how the hell you started it!"

 

I have missed the Skoda and Lada jokes.

 

It is great to see some come back.

 

Why do Skodas have heated rear windows?

 

To keep your hands warm in winter while you push it.

This really is the worst joke!!!

What's the name of this vile woman?

 

What's the name of this vile woman?
 

Victoria Atkins

Yankees
*********

I was walking through Times Square the other day when a black guy came up to me and asked if the Yankees had won...

 ...So I said, "Yeah! You're free!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Records
*********

The following was overheard at a recent 'high society' party.

 "My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.

 She then turned to Noah Goldberg and asked, "How far back does your family go?"

 "I don't know," replied Noah, "All of our records were lost in the flood.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wi Fi
******

Me: What's the wifi password?

 Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

 Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

 Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

 Me: Sure. How much is that?

 Barman: £3.

 Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

 Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy called Ryan Air to book a flight.

"How many people are flying with you?" the operator asked.

"Jaysus, sure how would I know that?"

"Don’t you have computers or something to tell ya that?"

 

"It’s your f**king plane after all!"

A man went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That’s fine, but I’ll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I’m a professional gambler," replied the man. "I only bet on sure things."

"Like what?" the bartender asked.

"Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After a while he goes back up to the bar.

"Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you’re on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said,

 

"That’s okay. I just bet the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to a much loved cardiologist.

 

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into fits of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "What are you laughing at, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

 

"I’m a gynaecologist …"

I hate when people ask me what I’m going to be doing in 2 years...
Come on guys, I don’t have 2020 vision!