Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

It was "Cos" of his diet!

[CantSpell]

[superal]

Paddy walks into the railway ticket office and says " give me a return ticket please " and the ticket clerk says " where to " Paddy replies " Here "

 

Tourist in Dublin asks Paddy " what is the quickest way to get to Cork "  Paddy says "are you walking or going by car " tourist says " by car "  Paddy says "  the car will be the quickest  for sure "

[owl sees all]

On 5/17/2018 at 4:39 PM, sanemax said:

Jokes about sex with 10 year old boys shouldnt be allowed

Catholic priests having sex with 10 year old boys shouldn't be allowed. 

 

Don't shoot the messenger.

[Andrew Dwyer]

[fasteddie]

[Panda13]

2 peanuts were walking thru Central Park late one night . 1 was assaulted.

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

Edited May 26, 2018 by riceyummm

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

MARRIAGE

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

 

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

 

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

 

A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

 

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to any and every word you say, just try talking in your sleep .

 

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

 

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

In a small town in Alabama, Joe Bob decides it's time for his cousin, 16 year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlour. Joe Bob introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.

The madam says, "Joe Bob you've been such a poor customer over the years that I should refuse. But since this is your son I'm going to see to this personally and get a special and experienced lady to look after him" So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she hand him over to Lane. Where she completes his deflowering. Later, as the madam and Billy Bob are walking downstairs, the madam says "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later, Joe Bob and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes ma'am" the boy stammers, "you're the lady that passed me over to Jane who gave me the crabs and then you cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em"

[riceyummm]

 

 

 

 

Hmmmmm.......

 

Edited May 26, 2018 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, riceyummm said:

I don't get that joke!  Maybe I am swimming with the wrong fish over the Dogger Bank with a sperm whale. 

Can you come again please or just give me a hand to get this all working the correct way!

[riceyummm]

 

 

[scottiejohn]

An American businessman takes a short business trip to Japan.

He arrives on a Sunday night, with planned meetings on that Tuesday. Since he is in a foreign land, and is bored with nothing to do, he calls up a prostitute service. A Japanese woman arrives at the door with in the hour, and the two proceed to have sex with each other. The woman is on top, and the entire time all she says is "hoshimoto."

The man doesn't know what to think, since he doesn't understand what she's saying, but the woman appears to be having a good time, so they continue. After the climax, the man pays the woman and she leaves.

The next day, the American decides to play golf with some of the Japanese people he will be meeting with the next day. The round is relatively standard except for the 18th hole. When it is the American man's turn to drive, he hits a hole in one. All the Japanese people start yelling in celebration, and the American doesn't know what to say, so he says the first Japanese word that pops into his head, "hoshimoto."

One of the Japanese business men looks at him, and in a thick accent says:

 

 

"What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'" 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the crap.

 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."

 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

 1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

 2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

 3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there and two had been used."

 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"

 

 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!" 

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with ISIS have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when ISIS announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% next month from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

[billd766]

12 hours ago, fasteddie said:

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with ISIS have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when ISIS announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% next month from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

 

Absolutely superb.

[transam]

12 hours ago, fasteddie said:

BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike
Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with ISIS have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when ISIS announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% next month from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

.....And it gets even worse if you are a pensioner in LOS and explode, regarding the benefits....

[scottiejohn]

12 hours ago, fasteddie said:

Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

I think this is just explosive fake news that has been blown up out of all proportion.  I am sure there are still sufficient virgin goats and sheep around for all of them.

 

 

 

PS;  They are not on strike just now they are just observing Ramadhan and not enjoying themselves as much as normal!

 

 

 

Edited May 31, 2018 by scottiejohn

[vogie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]