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Posted

A man went to a doctor to have his accidently removed penis replaced.

Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the area of the man's ex penis.

A few months after the OP, overjoyed with the apparent results, the man went out with his best girl on their first date in a very long time to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's new penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man squirmed off his seat and replied,

 

 

"Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" 
 

Posted

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks. 
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.



A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with 
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, 
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This 
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh
it.

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Posted
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a
 
woman
 
meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork  usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
 
 
 
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork,
 
miss?
 
 
I think  you’re getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a
 
 
 
shag in Scarborough ........
 
 

 

 

Posted
35720430_10214024020009181_3856930315989680128_n.jpg.04b083776526d68da7196064e67acef0.jpg

Update:

Authorities have now met and a decision has been made, a spokesman stated:
“ he has been placed in a longboat until the effects of alcohol have diminished, he will then he transferred to a bed accompanied by the daughter of the captain “ !!

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Posted
1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

“ he has been placed in a longboat until the effects of alcohol have diminished, he will then he transferred to a bed accompanied by the daughter of the captain “ !!

Once she has had her way with him he well than be transported to "The Good Ship Venus".

 

I am not allowed to quote any verses here on TV but try a little Google if you don't know the ditty.

Posted
11 hours ago, fasteddie said:

35720430_10214024020009181_3856930315989680128_n.jpg

 

Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Earl-eye in the morning

Posted

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:

 "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? " 

Young Paddy raises his hand and says "Trudy Glenn Miss”.

 "No Paddy ," says the teacher.  "The answer is Maid Marion ".

But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,

“Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.



You are singing this as you read it aren't you!

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Posted

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening News: 

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK?  I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."   The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."  The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 Years."  

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Posted
58 minutes ago, superal said:

P.S: Your girlfriend phoned.

I think you have txt the wrong number and received my redirected call.

I would love to see your husbands face now.

Posted

Did you know that when pigeon have sex, they die?

 

I didn't know either but the one I just had sex with, died about an hour ago... 

Posted
3 hours ago, CantSpell said:

Did you know that when pigeon have sex, they die?

 

I didn't know either but the one I just had sex with, died about an hour ago... 

I suppose it must have been just a blue spotted little pecker you had. 

 

 

Yours. Not the bird.

 

 

PS;  OOPS on second thoughts they must both have been little peckers.

 

PPS; Another thought!!  Is bird sh*t an acid that rots things?

 

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Posted
Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no <deleted> grass!!..
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Posted

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall 

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!" 
 9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Crap. 

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof". 

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Swahili. 

2.  As the lift doors close say in a loud voice “ dearly beloved”. 

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man." 

Posted

 After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I believe it did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the motorway and crashed through a driver's windscreen. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars, an Ambulance and a fire engine. The fire engine couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down and we believe all the occepnts have perished in that fire. So, may I ask what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded,

 

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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