Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

A man went to a doctor to have his accidently removed penis replaced.

Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the area of the man's ex penis.

A few months after the OP, overjoyed with the apparent results, the man went out with his best girl on their first date in a very long time to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's new penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man squirmed off his seat and replied,

 

 

"Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.  I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand.. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with  big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,  and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This  doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[superal]

You want a miracle?
I'll give you a miracle.

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine.

A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar,

Youssouf, Mouloud, etc. 
And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas,

Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon . . . who all drank wine!

Now that's what I call a bloody miracle! 

 

[superal]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a   woman   meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork  usually brings them a little baby from its nest.       Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork,   miss?     I think  you’re getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a       shag in Scarborough ........

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

39 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

They have; but only on the internet/forums and after the divorce, and they have become an expat.

[fasteddie]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Update:

Authorities have now met and a decision has been made, a spokesman stated:
“ he has been placed in a longboat until the effects of alcohol have diminished, he will then he transferred to a bed accompanied by the daughter of the captain “ !!

[CantSpell]

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

“ he has been placed in a longboat until the effects of alcohol have diminished, he will then he transferred to a bed accompanied by the daughter of the captain “ !!

Once she has had her way with him he well than be transported to "The Good Ship Venus".

 

I am not allowed to quote any verses here on TV but try a little Google if you don't know the ditty.

[billd766]

11 hours ago, fasteddie said:

 

Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Earl-eye in the morning

[kickstart]

Good day to you all.

Today, I am going to tell you how to catch pink elephants, but before I tell you how to catch pink elephants, I need to tell you how to catch black elephants.

First off, go into the jungle, with a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers .and a jam jar.

 When you see your black elephant, get as close as you can, use the binoculars the wrong way round to look at the black elephant,through the binoculars, and he will look very small, so get your tweezers and reach forwards, and quick as you can pick the black elephant up and put him in your jam jar.

Now to catch pink elephants ,you need 3 things ,a stick 6 foot long ,not 7 foot long ,not 5 foot long  but 6 foot ,a piece of string 6 foot long ,not 7 foot long ,not 5 foot long ,but 6 foot long and  a 2 shilling  current bun ,not a 1 shilling plain bun ,or a 3 shilling cream bun,but a 2 shilling current bun.

You go in to the jungle find the tracks of the pink elephants, pink elephants like walking on tracks, climb up a tree over the track and hang your rod, string, and bun over the track, and wait, when the pink elephant comes down the track, he will smell your 2 shilling current bun and start running, just before he reaches up to grab the current bun ,you lift the rod so he cannot reach it ,and he will run down the track and in to the jungle.

So ,the next day you back in to the jungle ,with your 6 foot rod .not a 7 foot rod ,not a 5 foot rod ,but 6 foot rod ,a piece of string 6 foot long ,not 7 foot ,not 5 foot,but 6 foot ,and your  2 shilling current bun ,not a 1 shilling plain bun ,not a 3 shilling cream bun. but a 2 shilling current bun, go back to the jungle track, climb the tree and hang  out your rod, string, and bun over the track, and again when the pink elephant comes down the track, he will smell your 2 shilling current bun,  just before he reaches up to grab the current bun, you lift the rod so he can not reach it ,and he runs down the track in to the jungle. 

So next day you go back in to the jungle, with your 6 foot rod, not a 7 foot rod, not a 5 foot rod but a 6 foot rod, with a 6 foot  piec of string, not  7 foot, not 5 foot ,but 6 foot piec of string  ,and your 2 shilling current bun ,not a 3 shilling cream bun ,not a 1 shilling plain bun ,but a 2 shilling current bun ,clime the tree and hang your rod ,  string and bun over the track and waite for your pink elephant.

Now pink elephants, like all elephants do not forget, and as he comes down the track, he will see your 2 shilling current bun, and he will think, twice  now  for 2 days I have not got that 2 shilling current bun, and to - day I will get it, for he is starting to get very mad , so, today he realy runs down that track fast ,gets to the 2 shilling current bun ,he jumps up ,but as before you lift the rod, so he can not reach your 2 shilling current bun, and he runs down the track to the jungle.

Now, your pink elephant now is really, really, mad not getting at his 2 shilling current bun, which he really, really likes,

and he runs turns black with rage ...................., And I have already told how to catch black elephants.

[superal]

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:

 "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? " 

Young Paddy raises his hand and says "Trudy Glenn Miss”.

 "No Paddy ," says the teacher.  "The answer is Maid Marion ".

But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,

“Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.


You are singing this as you read it aren't you!

[superal]

LEROY'S HEARING

 

In a Tottenham church Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
 
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

 

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then  prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
 
  
 
 
 After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

 

 

 

Leroy answered, "I don't know.  It ain't 'til Thursday."

[superal]

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening News: 

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK?  I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."   The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."  The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 Years."  

[superal]

Subject: To my darling husband

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about a small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately, not too bad, and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

As I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife

XX.

P.S: Your girlfriend phoned.

[scottiejohn]

58 minutes ago, superal said:

P.S: Your girlfriend phoned.

I think you have txt the wrong number and received my redirected call.

I would love to see your husbands face now.

[CantSpell]

Did you know that when pigeon have sex, they die?

 

I didn't know either but the one I just had sex with, died about an hour ago... 

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, CantSpell said:

Did you know that when pigeon have sex, they die?

 

I didn't know either but the one I just had sex with, died about an hour ago... 

I suppose it must have been just a blue spotted little pecker you had. 

 

 

Yours. Not the bird.

 

 

PS;  OOPS on second thoughts they must both have been little peckers.

 

PPS; Another thought!!  Is bird sh*t an acid that rots things?

 

[superal]

Subject: BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER

Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive sheila..     He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.   The sheila notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"  "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."  The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"  The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."  The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"     "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."  The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"     The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,  "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"

[superal]

Getting Old Sucks

 

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place 
from my kitchen window. 
 
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when 
she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. 
 
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and 
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get 
laid tonight. Are you doing anything?" 
 
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!" 

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?" 
 
 
Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

 

[superal]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.  

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.  
 
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
 
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.  
 
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
 
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
 
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
 
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled,  "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."

[superal]

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no <deleted> grass!!..

[superal]

  The  Outhouse
    
  


   
 Ma was in the  kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,  
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"   
 


 Pa replies,  "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."  
 


 Ma yells back,  "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."  
 


 So Pa mosies  out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,  
"Ma! There  ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!
 


"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"  
 


  Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!  
 


 "Ma says, "Ya  have to stick yer head in the hole to see what to fix."   
 


 So with that,Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells ,  
"Ma! There  ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"   
 


 Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" 
 


 
  Pa proceeds to  pull his head out of the hole, then  starts yelling,  
"Ma! Help ! Help! My beard  is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
 


  To which Ma  replies,

 

"Hurts, don't it?!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall 

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!" 
 9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Crap. 

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof". 

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Swahili. 

2.  As the lift doors close say in a loud voice “ dearly beloved”. 

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man." 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I believe it did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the motorway and crashed through a driver's windscreen. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars, an Ambulance and a fire engine. The fire engine couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down and we believe all the occepnts have perished in that fire. So, may I ask what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded,

 

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."