Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

 My Proposals for this years' neologisms are;- 

 

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

12. Pokémon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men..

14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

 

Again has anyone got some more suggestions?

[scottiejohn]

It was a cut above the rest until recently it folded although when it happened the competitors all creased up over it's demise!

[scottiejohn]

SINGLES AD IN THE LONELY HEARTS COLUMN:

Single black female seeks male Companionship.  
Your ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion etc are unimportant to me.  Your age is not that important either but I do like to have a very ACTIVE life and want you to join in all those activities with me as much as possible!!
I'm a very good looking female with eyes and a mouth you can only dream of that loves to play with all sorts of toys - no strings need to be attached and you can always lead me to take part!
If you want to go out with the boys at night without me I will understand but just consider that I will be lying by the fire waiting for you to come home, with baited breath. 
If you take me to any Candlelight Dinners or BBQs or anywhere to eat etc I guarantee you will have me eating out of your hand in no time.
I promise that I‘ll be at the front door when you get home from work no matter what time that is and all I will be wearing is what nature gave me.
I also love long walks in the woods and being taken down to the local pub.  If you do I will always make a fuss of your friends and will never be jealous, even if they are gorgeous nubile young females.  I will always trust you and will stay faithful to you thru thick and thin.

If you would like to meet up with me please call my receptionist's number: 0471-xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.  I cannot guarantee to get to the phone myself as I am often tied up!!
PS; I live in a very safe “Gated Community”.

PPS;  No money need exchange hands - I only want mutual friendship!!

 

Over 15,000 people found themselves Talking to the Battersea Dogs & Cat home about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Edited July 7, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[kickstart]

A famous sex phycologist was holding a seminar, he was trying to put in to practice a theory he had about how happy people are by the number of times they have sex.

So, he said to his audience "How many people have sex at least 3 times a week " 5 couples put their hands up, they were all holding hands, looked very loving.

Then he asked"How many people have sex  3 times a month", 4 people slowly put they hands up, not looking over happy, or holding hands.

Then he asked" How many people have sex once every 3-4 months", 3 couples put they hands up, one couple not even sitting next to one another, one couple looking very miserable.

The famous sex phycologist was thinking this is working out as I thought, now for the final test "How many people have sex once a year ".

Right at the back of the hall was one man, he was waving his arms,  jumping about, saying "me, me ", now, the famous sex phycologist, could not understand this, he said,"You have sex once a year, why are you so happy ".

"Why am I so happy, it is tonight".

[chickenslegs]

A Little Flab

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

 

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

 

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "weenie". With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

[chickenslegs]

As We Get Older...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, How many kinds of boobies are there?

 

The father, surprised, answers, "Well son there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breast are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

 

"Onions?"

 

"Yes, you see them and they make you Cry!"

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies" are there?"

 

The Mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it like a Christmas tree."

 

A Christmas tree?

 

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[riceyummm]

 

[riceyummm]

[superal]

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade,
but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears
were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a
great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him,
'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but
notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and dismissed him .

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even
better.

The General then asked him the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,
'Well, sir, you have no ears.'

The General dismissed him also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the
Sergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly
observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.'

He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses
with no bloody ears!

 

[superal]

Reminds me of the time when I caught  one of my butchers bonking a cashier on the cutting table. I contacted head

 

office and the boss told me to fire him. When I said he was the best butcher we have, he told me to fire the girl. I pointed

 

out that she was the most honest cashier we ever had. He said, "well then, get rid of the f...ing table" !

[superal]

[superal]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Good grief - Hurry, Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early,"             'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there.'    'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems.' So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.   Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.   'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'  Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'  'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.'    Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,   'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'   'Nope. Just when it's raining!''

 

 

 

[scottiejohn]

1 hour ago, superal said:

butchers bonking a cashier on the cutting table.

I do love cutting edge jokes.

What do butchers call bonking.  Could it be along the lines of " I think I will Fillet her on the table" or is she just a rare piece of meat on the side that you have now well done? And on the same vein if it is the wrong time of the month can the  "filleting/bonking" be described  as "very rare" or "steak Tartare" or worse "that bl@@dy cow"?

 

I can hear the groans already but then I can only beat my own meat at the moment as the wife is away up north looking after the sick buffalo!

Edited July 12, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,

"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

 

However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby.

The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

 

Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

 

 In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

I am not saying that college Footballers are a bit on the Dumber side of the blonde scale but;

 

During pre-season training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."

 

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman.

 

"But, she's so much better and does many more things!"

 

[scottiejohn]

[overherebc]

How you can tell your wife has been watching too much  Masterchef.

[fasteddie]

[kickstart]

 

 

 

 

T

[MrMuddle]

During a prostate examination, I got an erection.

Do you think anyone will notice that I'm not a real Doctor ?

 

[chickenslegs]

Trouble always comes in threes:

 

Last week my girlfriend dumped me

Yesterday she got hit by a bus

Today I lost my job as a bus driver

 

[chickenslegs]

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof

[chickenslegs]

I tried to explain to my 4 year old grandson that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. – But he’s still making fun of me.

 

[chickenslegs]

 Sex with three people is called a threesome, sex with four people is called a foursome. Why do people keep calling me handsome.