Worst Joke Ever

[minno]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!!"

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Sir: As a two-legged man who is also a leading member of ToT (Thinning on Top), I write to express my solidarity with Ms Sue Sensitive whose letter you recently published. I echo her demands for immediate action against the cracker-makers in question.  They must be crackers to continue banging on in such an insensitive manner.
Last year, I heard the following revolting exchange. The only reason I repeat it is to share my sense of outrage.
'Doctor, doctor! My hair keeps falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?'
'How about this paper bag?' was his attempt at hair raising humour.
Not only is the doctor's comment grossly insulting to those of us who are, through no fault of our own, afflicted with impermanent or flyaway hair. It is also fragrantly baldist, and will do nothing to calm the fears of the worldwide ToT community.
Baldism  must be stamped out at all costs.
Malcolm Mullet, Deputy Chairman, ToT.

 

From the pen of SJ

 

Dear Mr Mullet.  I assume you are from Barnet!  I have combed through all of your bald statements and all I can say is that you really should keep your hair on and look at the bright side of this (but not of your balding and I assume disgustingly shiny pate!)
Just bear the following in mind;

Your barber trips are now quicker and cheaper (remember to ask for a "short back and shine" instead of the normally more hirsute, cry of "short back and sides" please.
You need spend very little on shampoo, brushes, combs, hair gel etc 
Dandruff is a much reduced problem as are bird droppings as they are now more easy to wipe off.

PS; Keep this under your hat but you can get some very good wigs in Barnet.
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer.

"I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred.

He thought a minute and said,

 

"I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"
 

[scottiejohn]

[kickstart]

I am a dyslexic atheist,insomniac.

I stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

Old Macdonald was  dyslexic.

E,I,O,L,E

 

2 dyslexics robbers  run in to a bank and shout

"Air in the hand's mother stickers this is a <deleted> up ".

 

I have Dis  Disleck  Dyslek .

I cnat spell

 

Dyslexia vicar,who thought the Battersea dogs home was a retirement home for clergymen.

[chickenslegs]

On 8/11/2018 at 1:43 PM, minno said:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A fish swims into a concrete wall and says "Dam!!"

Minno knows how to stay on topic.

 

Welcome, newbie, to Thaivisa "worst joke ever" topic.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Sir: Continuing the comments made by Barnet and a few others before them may I as a leading hedgehog in the make the following comments!

You can imagine my horror and disgust upon overhearing the following 'prickly joke' relayed in a public place.

'Why did the hedgehog cross the road?'
'To see his flat mate.'
Over the years, I have witnessed many close friends and colleagues in the hedgehog community crushed by cars and lorries. In early 2018, I became a founder member of HAT (Hedgehogs Against Traffic).
We will not rest until all traffic has been banned from our roads, allowing hedgehogs and other four-footed prickly mammals to enjoy lives free from fear. Needless to say, vile comments do nothing to help us in our campaign for justice.
H. Hogg.

 

From the desk of SJ
Please don’t get all prickly and curl up on me but I am not sure I get the point(s) of your comments and as a result I believe it is pricks like you give members of HAT all they deserve.  It may be that you have been keeping all these points you raise under your collective HAT for far too long but I think any action you take, especially crossing the road in the dark is bound to be squashed and driven to destruction at the first attempt.
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

 10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

 8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

 7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

 6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

 5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

 4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

 3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

 2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

 1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual Elder/Warden/Stewardship campaigns - just sign us all up automatically!

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

An old retired sailor decided to have a night out on the town and after a few drinks got chatting to a lady at a bar . After a few rums / g&ts , amorous touchy feely moments and  exchange of chit chat he asked her back to his home for a nightcap . They found their way to the bedroom with the lady being fairly horny by this time . However the old sailor  confessed to her that because of his aging years there was only one way that he could get turned on and that was to go to the bathroom  and both stripping off , to which she agreed . The sailor then ran the bath and got in and said to his lady , " we have to pretend that we are in a storm at sea as that gets me excited , so please turn on the basin taps as that sounds like the sea breaking over the bows , great he said , now flush the toilet cos that sounds like a huge rainfall , great he says , now lastly pull the light switch on & off cos that looks like lightening . The lady says are you happy now ? the sailor says yes thats great , the lady says are you going to make love to me now ? and the sailor says 

 

 

What in this fxxxxxg weather ?

[overherebc]

Conversation between two girls in a pub in Glasgow.

1. I think I'm pregnant.

2. Have you had a check up?

1.. No. Just a wee Polish guy two months ago.

 

[billd766]

From the BBC news site this morning.

 

Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe - now in its 11th year - has been won by Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe.

 

#1    "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

 

• "I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
•  
• "I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
•  
• "In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
•  
• "What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
•  
• "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
•  
• "Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
•  
• "I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
•  
• "Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
•  
• "I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

 

[scottiejohn]

3 hours ago, overherebc said:

Conversation between two girls in a pub in Glasgow.

1. I think I'm pregnant.

2. Have you had a check up?

1.. No. Just a wee Polish guy two months ago.

 

I knew I wasn't the father, the bloody missus has been spreading her favours around again.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam. After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke very soon. If you don't do the following three things, he will surely die. 
First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast. 
Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner, and don't burden him with household chores. 
Third, have sex with him several times a week." 
On the way home, the husband asks the wife, "I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?"

 

Wife: "He says you're gonna die very soon."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

My wife went with her friends to see 50 Shades of Grey. 
I went to bed at 11pm. She came home walked into the bedroom with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. I thought, this looks interesting.

 

She said, "Here, you forgot to walk the frickin’ dogs!”
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

At a wedding reception I recently attended The Father of the bride said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living.

The three barmaids were nearly crushed to death!
 

[scottiejohn]

[superal]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. 

The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?" 

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.  It scares me." 

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that.  When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start 
swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. 

The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!    Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.   I swished and 
swished, and he calmed right down!    How does a glass of water do that?" 

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing.    It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

[superal]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 Sir: As one of the most prominent gulls on the North-West coast, may I say how distressed I was that your previous correspondent (the prickly Mr/Mrs/Miss/Mz or gender less whatever H Hogg is or maybe)  made no mention of recent grossly offensive remarks against the bird community?
Like most gulls, I am known for my great sense of humour. I can often be heard screeching with laughter at the antics of my fellow gulls, as they wittily snatch chips from holiday makers, tease old folk by swooping down on them, or drop their 'doings' on people's heads!  BTW we gulls never realised that pooping on TOTs was such a waste of time, we will zero in on the hairier members of your species from now on.  Anyway I digress.  All these are good-natured japes. But surely, in this day and age, it defies belief that anyone could find a callous remark about the violent death of a bird in any way 'amusing'? Sadly, this is just one example among many:
'What happens when a bird flies into a fan?'
'You get shredded tweet.'
I hereby call on the World’s Politicians to stamp out birdist and gullist prejudice by enrolling those who continue to propagate these vile jokes on a course of re-education within the wider bird community.
C. Gull (Mr).

From the Pen of SJ
Dear Mr C Gull;
As someone who is always up in the air and over the top of us humans I feel I need to point out to your kind that I am not a fan of your family and think you need to come back down to earth d and harbour your thoughts in a less “feather” brained way!  I, and many of my flock consider some of your responses to our presence near the sea shore to be a load of cr*p and that your response to an oft re tweeted joke shows just how gullible you and your kind are!

[scottiejohn]

[overherebc]

Paddy sitting in the pub having a beer and notices 3 or 4 guys looking at him whispering and having a laugh.

He asks what's the joke then?

One guy says well yesterday afternoon we were passing your house and you had left the bedroom curtains open and we all saw your spotty bum while you were screwing your wife and it was funny to see.

Ha, says Paddy the jokes on you because I wasn't home all day yesterday.