Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

Went to the pub with the wife last night, the peanuts said I looked very nice but the cigarette machine said I looked awful. I asked the barman what that was all about, he said the peanuts were complimentary but the fag machine was out of order.

[Elad]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Tell you what always catches my eye .

Short people with umbrellas !!


I nearly lost my job as a roofer when i was caught masturbating on the first day,

Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean !!


My thirteen year old cousin started taking heroin.

It’s funny, they shoot up so quickly these days !!


My gran is going to that suicide clinic in Switzerland.

But don’t tell her it’s a surprise !!


As a child i was always told not to touch myself down there as god was watching.

Turns out that was a lie, it wasn’t god it was Uncle Kevin !!


I thought PPI was something you could get if you didn’t wear goggles in the swimming pool !!

[nikmar]

The worst day of Sean Connery's life was when he asked Mrs Connery to sit on his face.

[Elad]

What's the difference between a 'car tyre' and '365 blowjobs'...

 

One's a 'Good Year' and the others a 'Bloody good Year'.

[scottiejohn]

8 hours ago, Elad said:

What's the difference between a 'car tyre' and '365 blowjobs'...

 

One's a 'Good Year' and the others a 'Bloody good Year'.

Don't "Good Year" make the "Rubbers" for "365 blowjobs" or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

[scottiejohn]

On ‎8‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 1:25 PM, Elad said:

I'll drink to that - but not with tea obviously!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.

One was a doctor, one was a lawyer, and one was a biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

 After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

 The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator.

 

I figured if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go <deleted> herself." 
 

[Elad]

What's the difference between a 'vagina' and a 'fridge'  ..

 

The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. 

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.

 

 Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

 

 Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

 

 A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has naturally has squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

 Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

 "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

 "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

 About 2/3 way through the semester, the new money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

 "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

 "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "

 Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

 The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

 When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him discuss the newspaper stories."

 "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned round and said how much he was looking forward to discussing marriage and infidelity with mum.  He then asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street, I’d love to meet her again as dad always gives me a treat when we go visit her when mom is at work?'

 The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

 "I sure did, Dad!"

 "That's my boy!" 
 

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

Sent from my iPad using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[laislica]

Sent from my iPad using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[laislica]

Sent from my iPad using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely hooker and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,

'How am I doing?'

The hooker replies, ‘Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.’

‘Three knots ?' he asks. ‘What's that supposed to mean?’

She says,

 

‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you're knot getting your money back'

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. 
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. 
One smart ass, male student said, 
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", at which point the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, 

 

"In your case it would not be an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
 

[scottiejohn]

 

 

You can read this a few ways;

1.  You are about to become bacon

                                or

2. Pigs might fly!

Edited September 5, 2018 by scottiejohn

[superal]

Reading this sobering tale explains to me precisely why Brexit negotiations are doomed to failure .

 

In London , 2 Italian men get on a bus , sit down and engage in an animated conversation . The lady sitting behind them

 

ignores them at first but her attention is caught when she hears one of the men say the following . " Emma come first .

 

Den I come . Den two asses come together . I come once -a - more. Two asses, they come together again . I come again

 

and pee twice . Then I came one lasta time "

 

Suddenly the increasingly indignant lady screams " You foul mouth sex-obsessed man "  In the UK we don't speak aloud

 

in public places about our sex lives . Please keep your voice down " 

 

" Hey , coola down lady "  said the man . " Who talkin about sexa ?

 

I'm justa tellin my frinda how to spell Mississippi "

[fasteddie]

My mate had two wooden Legs until tragically he caught fire and burnt to the ground.

[fasteddie]

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

 

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

 

She screamed, “HELL NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!”

 

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

 

She didn't jump

[scottiejohn]

On ‎9‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 8:33 PM, fasteddie said:

My mate had two wooden Legs until tragically he caught fire and burnt to the ground.

Does that count as asses to ashes or is that a low life comment made below the belt about someone without a leg to stand on and no visible means of support?

[fasteddie]