Worst Joke Ever

[TomTao]

Mr and Mrs Dingo walk into the hospital maternity ward, they look around and see the nursery room with all the babies sleeping peacefully, Mrs Dingo turns to Mr Dingo and says "what do you think dear, eat in or take away?".

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[garyk]

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were surrounded by indians 100 to 1 odds. The Lone Ranger turnes to Tonto and says well I guess this is it Tonto. There is no way we can make it threw this. Tonto thought for a minute and said " what you mean we white man"

bad...

Edited February 6, 2012 by garyk

[monty1412]

Mick the postman's last day on the job after 40 years.

At one of the last houses on his route he is met at the door by a beautiful lady dressed in a brief negligee.. she takes him into the house up the stairs and makes love to him like he has never had before.

Coming back down the stairs he finds her in the kitchen cooking breakfast for him and in front of the condiments is card with his name on it.. opening it he finds a $1 bill.

Turning in surprise to the lady he asks why

She explains... when I told my husband it was your last day today and that we should get you a present.. he said "<deleted> him give him a buck" but the breakfast was my idea...

[LennyW]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bridebroom, the other was the groombroom.

The bridebroom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groombroom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bridebroom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "darling - I think I am going to have a little broom!"

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groombroom.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; it's going to hurt!!!!!!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

[Daffy D]

Groan

[warfie]

LennyW, you have met the criteria, I am laughing *AND* I want to kick you in the nuts for telling that joke...

Congratulations.

[rijb]

speaking of nuts...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Edited February 7, 2012 by rijb

[monty1412]

speaking of nuts...

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Now that tickled me if you pardon the pun

[monty1412]

Small husband and wife team are endangered wildlife smugglers discussing their next mission....

Her.... How are we going to smuggle the small python dear.

He...... I know Ill just drug it and wear one of those big coats and tie it around my waist

Her..... what about the miniature skunk then

He...... I know.. why don't you wear one of those big hoop dresses that are in fashion now and you can stuff it down the front of your knickers

Her....... Owwww. what about the smell

He.. well if it dies it dies.

[redthought]

Wanna hear a joke about pizza??????

nvm.. its too cheesy

[Crossy]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Daffy D]

[TomTao]

Time for an Irish joke.

Micheal Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael are standing talking outside the church waiting to be ushered inside. Michael says to Patrick "Hey Pat would you be wantin to go to da pub after the church is done?" Pat says "well to be sure I will, how would I be knowin you're there?", Michael thinks for a minute and says "I'll tell you what, if I get there first I'll mark the wall wit a bit o chalk, if you get there first you rub it off."

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[Daffy D]

Man conducting survey on books asks lady "what book has had the most influence on your life"

My husbands check book she replies

[mca]

Knock Knock.

Come in.

[stoneyboy]

Two snowmen in a field,one turns to the other and says can you smell carrots.

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[stoneyboy]

Two parrots on a perch one says to the other can you smell fish.

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[Antathome]

Three men walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!

[HeavyDrinker]

A recent survey has found that 95% of Thailand's Expat community are stupid.

Thank the Lord I'm in the other 11%

[wayned]

Two TV posters walked into a pub to have a cold pint. As one upended his glass, nothing came out.

The other looked at him and said "Puyai Bann must have been here this morning updating the system"!

[TomTao]

Why did the dyslexic dog run onto the stage at the theatre?

He was chasing some acts.

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[Litlos]

A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones. The stylist replied “no” so the blonde left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. The stylist agreed. After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying, “Breathe in, Breathe out"

[Litlos]

The old man ordered one hamburger,one order of French fries and one drink and the old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering, “That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said,”they were just fine”. They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered…. “The teeth”

[overherebc]

The old man ordered one hamburger,one order of French fries and one drink and the old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering, “That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said,”they were just fine”. They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

She answered…. “The teeth”

Two guys talking and one asks the other if he has a spare room for a couple of nights,

Why asks his mate,

Well he said my wife suggested I should go out and buy some pills that would help me get an erection so I bought her a box of diet pills.

[TomTao]

Q. What do you call Batman and Robin after they have been run down by a steam roller?

A. Flatman and Ribbon.

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[chuenyongman]

Have you heard of Dad and Dave the famous Aussie characters? Well here is one of their sitcoms.

Dad and Dave are sat around doing nothing in particular when in comes their dog.

It sits down and starts to lick its testicles. Dave watches it and says to Dad, "I wish I could do that" Dad says, Well if you give him a pat and are gentle ,he may let you.

[chuenyongman]

Another dad and Dave...................... Dad says to Dave, "I hear they have got a new club in town". Dave says, Yes, "You can get a pint of beer ,a pie and a Root for a dollar" Dad say, "Who told you that?" Dave says," The Sheila who live down the street".

[TomTao]

An immam, a priest and a rabbi are discussing how best divide their congregations offering between what they keep for use in the ministry and what God keeps, the priest has an idea and says to the others "I know what to do, lets draw a circle on the ground, then we throw the money in the air, then whatever lands in the circle God keeps.", the immam says "no we'll throw the money in the air, whatever lands outside the circle God keeps.", then the rabbi speaks up and says "no we'll throw the money in the air, and whatever God wants, He keeps."

[bobl]

Sister to brother, after sex... "Hey, you're better than dad!"

Brother... "I know, mom told me"

[warfie]

Sister to brother, after sex... "Hey, you're better than dad!"

Brother... "I know, mom told me"

When I started this thread I was not actually expecting anything quite THAT bad...

Congratulations!